My glass is always half full.

Shit happens. And it always will. There’s a billion quotes out there about getting up anytime you fall or there being light at the end of the tunnel, but this one always resonates with me best. Mainly because Harry Potter is the bees-knees, but besides that, I love the idea that you turn on your own light in your darkest hour. I believe that, wholeheartedly. Each of us is in charge of our own happiness, our own light. And you never know whose light you may help shine along the way. Isn’t that awesome and precious and stuff?! Leave it to a fictional wizard to tell me what gives a person real gumption – yes, GUMPTION.

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Top 5 Bromances of All Time

Is there anything better than a strong male bond? Some of you might say, “Duh! GURLFRAAANDS!” but that’s just a given. There have always been ladies loves for us to feast our eyes and emotions on. Such outlets as Sex and the City, Golden Girls, Friends, Laverne and Shirley, Lucy and Ethel, and the more recent Bridesmaids have given the women of the world something to cling to – mainly, that it’s chicks before dicks. Ovaries before brovaries. Breasties before testies. We all know the great girlfriend bonds out there, but what about the great bromances? What are the greatest male bonds that might even make a guy shed a proud tear or two? Let’s discuss.

Before jumping into the list, let me fill you in on the requirements for this very important, extremely well thought out ranking system. First, the duo can’t be real brothers (and by real, I mean in their fictional worlds). That’s just not fair. Sorry Mario and Luigi. Second, it’s pretty much my opinion on things (with some help from my other half, Mike) so let me know if I missed a real good one. Or just shut up and enjoy.

5. Zack Morris & Samuel “Screech” Powers

saved

This was the real odd couple of bromances. Here’s this hot, blond, up-to-no-good Zack Morris, dream of all high school dreams, whose best friend for life was this super smart, yet incredibly thick-headed geeky Screech Powers. THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. But thanks to the magic of Bayside High School and their totally awesome hangout The Max, we get to see Zack and Screech go through high school and the ups and downs of their bromance. Remember when Zack forgets Screech’s birthday and his robot Kevin helps him patrol the halls only to put his BFF Zack and the rest of the gang in detention because he’s bitter and sad? Or the time when Zack convinces Screech to cut school to go skiing (Zack & Slater pushed a Teacher’s strike into motion) before he participates in the big Academic Bowl but then Screech gets the flu so Zack feels terrible and visits him in the hospital to try to learn everything Screech knows so he can take his place. AWWWWWW, right?!  What great television!!! Zack and Screech always make up – of course. But this bromance was usually a bit one sided, with Zack roping Screech into more trouble than the other way around. However, what makes this bromance so good? Nooooo, not just Zack Morris. It’s the fact that the pretty boy and the geek always seem to stick together, despite what most high school stereotypes might suggest. Kids, it IS possible for the hottest guy in school to be best buds with the nerdiest guy in school! Now doesn’t that just make you so happy?!

4. Han Solo & Chewbacca

How great are these two? If you thought Zack and Screech were an unlikely pair, then get a load of these guys. Nothing says bromance like understanding your own language. What the fuck was Chewie going on about? No clue, but Han always knew what the big guy was urrrrrrr-ahhrrr-arrrrrgghhhnn-ing about, and that’s all we need to know that this is one helluva bromance. Know how Han and Chewie met? Han was supposed to kill the big hairy Wookie but took pity on him and refused, thus Solo was court-martialed from his position as Imperial Lieutenant. THAT’S LOVE! From then on, Chewie left his family behind to be Han’s co-pilot, and they kicked a ton of ass together in that galaxy far, far away. What’s even better about their friendship is the fact that they never expected anything more than each others loyalty. The moment Han refused to kill Chewie back in his Imperial days, they were BFFs – no questions asked. And nothing is better than knowing your BFF has your back no matter what. Especially when said BFF is, like, 8 feet tall. BOOM.

3. Martin Riggs & Roger Murtaugh

They’re not too old for this shit, goddammit! This is my favorite cop duo of all time. Whoever thought of bringing Mel Gibson and Danny Glover together to make Riggs & Murtaugh was a genius because you can feel their chemistry radiating off the screen. Between the police station shenanigans from 2 and 4, the rooftop scene from Lethal Weapon, and the opening sequence from 3 (“Grab the cat!”), the two go together like salt and pepper. Murtaugh’s panicky, I-just-want-to-retire demeanor is so perfectly matched up with Riggs’ spontaneous, I’m-going-to-cut-the-blue-wire-off-a-hunch persona. I also love the fact that those two fuck up a lot, but still get the job done in the end. Plus, we get to see the Murtaugh family – who are awesome – and how much respect Riggs has for them all. And Riggs usually has this fantastically quaffed hair in the majority of the films that plays out so silly with Murtaugh’s tightly kept ‘do. What’s not to love with these two? They’ll never be too old to me.

2. Joey & Chandler

If there was ever a more perfect love story of grown men being best friends, it’s Joey and Chandler from Friends. It was a genius idea on behalf of the writers to continually treat Joey and Chandler like a married couple, though they’re both as straight as the day is long. They have so many discussions that mirror married couples’ plights, and it just makes my insides feel good. I was beside myself when Joey moved out of their apartment during his Days of Our Lives stint. Wah! Rain window!!! But that led to one of the greatest reunions on television (Eddie, anyone?). When two grown men start jumping up and down, dancing together, and then hugging it out – my heart just gets soooooo happy! The sign of a true bromance is when the guys adopt a chick and a duck, thus caring for them as though they are their actual children. Even towards the very end of the series when Monica and Chandler dream of a house in the outskirts of the city, Chandler says aloud, “Of course, we’d have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.” And that folks, is the epitome of best friendship.

1. Cory Matthews & Shawn Hunter

Of all the television shows I grew up watching, this is the ultimate friendship – the ultimate bromance. Cory and Shawn have basically known each other since the beginning of time. Right off the bat, we know they’re BFFs and they’ve been BFFs for a long time. Here’s two kids who grow up with each other without ever letting the other go. Cory has a stable, loving family (ERIC IS THE GREATEST, am I right?) while Shawn comes from a broken home – a trailer home, to be exact. Cory has always been the closet thing to family Shawn has ever had, and because of this they are just the best together. Both are total slackers in school, mainly concentrating all their efforts on sports, girls, and annoying the shit out of Mr. Feeny. Cory is neurotic, Shawn is super chill. Together, they are a wonderfully hilarious duo. They have their fights, of course (what bromance doesn’t? We have to know they love each other, people!), but they’re always able to patch things up no matter how messy it gets. The real clincher, however, is when Cory and Topanga get married. There’s poor Shawn, feeling like he’s losing his bromance, and then Cory getting all panicky (SOOO Cory!). Shawn hangs up his Best Man title, only to return mid-wedding, forcing the spotlight on Cory and Shawn rather than Cory and Topanga. OMGGGGGGG ::tear:: Topanga gets it, she let’s them have their moment. But the best part was Shawn’s Best Man speech:

“Cory and I have been best friends all our lives. And, um, this wedding’s been kinda hard for me because I know – no matter how much we may avoid talking about it – Cory and I aren’t gonna be best friends forever. Things are changing between us. Things have always been changing. We’ve had to deal with life … and death … and Feeny. But no matter what we faced, we always faced it together. So, then how can we possibly be upset with each other on his wedding day? Well, it’s because deep down I think Cory and I both know that we’re not gonna be best friends anymore. And that’s the way it should be. So, this is to Topanga: Cory’s wife … and new best friend.”

AND I’M DYINGGGGGG.

The end. Best bromance of all time.

Honorable mentions:  Aragorn & Legolas, Rocky Balboa & Apollo Creed, John McClane & Allen, Ben Affleck & Matt Damon, Tom Brady & Bill Belichick.

5 Shows You Should Be Watching

I tend to have a love/hate relationship in terms of television shows. On the one hand, I LOVE THEM. I love looking forward to something new each week, be it a budding romance, answers to a cliffhanger, or what kind of trouble my favorite fictional friends are getting into this time around. On the other hand, they kinda ruin my life because I CAN’T STOP WATCHING THEM. And when there’s that break between seasons, I get drug withdrawals. I blame this solely on having been a gigantic fan of the show LOST. God, they were the worst. Constantly leaving me on the edge, especially during season finales. But there I was, each week – plugging in my TV IV. Just…soooooo good.

These days, I try to limit the amount of television I invest myself in, mainly because if I fed my appetite for good shows, I’d have no time for stuff like laundry, showering, or giving my boyfriend or friends some attention. So this is for the best, dearest television, I will keep you at bay.

That being said, I do love to keep up with some personal favorites. Thus, I’m forcing my opinion on you, world. Watch these 5 shows and be satisfied with your television consumption.

1. Parks & Recreation

Ron ****ing Swanson. This is literally the greatest show on TV at this moment in time. Okay so maybe it’s on break, so not at this EXACT moment, but when it’s divine characters come back in September to grace us all with their hilarious and magnificent presence, even God will be tuning in. Amy Poehler, Nick Offerman, Chris Pratt, Rashida Jones, Adam Scott, Aubrey Plaza, Rob Lowe, Aziz Anzari & Co. are on top of their game. Each character offers up something different, yet something relatable. They actually seem like real-life people. They work in the Parks Department of a little Indiana town, for Christ’s sake. While most shows make you wish you lived a grander life, Parks & Recreation makes you feel pretty darn good for living the average life you already have. As long as you’ve got really nice, quirky, nerdy, and genuine people around you, the world is your park to play in!

 

2. Project Runway

There is no reality show better than Project Runway. (Except maybe So You Think You Can Dance, but as a previous dancer that goes without saying.) What is so great about PR, you ask? EVERYTHING. This is all you could ever want out of a dramedy reality show. You’ve got an eclectic bunch of hipsters who are actually insanely talented with a sewing machine and a sketch pad, throw them all in one room to stare and judge each other and their designs, then make them send these pieces on a runway to be judged by MICHAEL KORS, Heidi Klum, Nina Garcia, and a random celeb that doesn’t give a fuck, and you have reality show gold, people. GOLLLLLLD. PR is some of the greatest entertainment you’ll ever see, because you can be your own critic at home and scream and yell at the TV when shit hits the fans. And it always hits the fan. The last 5 seasons haven’t been nearly as awesome as the first, but it’s still quality stuff. It’s just too damn fun to watch a bunch of divas flaunting their egos in one room. The death stares are priceless and the crying confessionals are marvelous. That might make me sound cold-hearted, but let me tell you – these bitches be cray-cray.

 

3. United Stats of America

For the inner nerd in us all. And of course, this show would be hosted by TWINS who are also comedians. What are the odds?! LOLOL! Each episode, Randy and Jason Sklar go around America and research, test, and theorize about random stats that are true about this wonderful country of ours. Such as, why was the average American way shorter during the 1800s than today? Sooooooo nerdy, right?! And yet, you can’t stop watching ’cause you start thinking, holy shit – why ARE we taller now? What have we been eating, drinking, doing that’s so different from our ancestors? And then you’re sucked in. For the next hour. You don’t know where the remote is and neither do you care. FUCK YOU COMMERCIAL! Where the hell did you come from? Plus, they do all these fun graphics on screen that makes you realize the History Channel can’t be that bad after all. And sometimes you can’t tell the difference between Randy or Jason, so you start betting yourself in your head which one is which. If that makes me a loser, I don’t want to be a winner.

 

4. Wicked Tuna

This is a show about bluefin tuna fisherman in Gloucester, MA and it’s fucking awesome. There are numerous boat crews and they basically bust each others’ balls every show and try to out-fish everyone. None of them are cute, they’re all grubby and constantly smoking, but when one of them has a tuna on the line, SHIT GETS REAL. The process of reeling in a bluefin tuna is insane, especially since these fish can exceed 1000lbs. You quickly realize there’s an art to catching these gigantic tunas, and when one guy fucks up, a crapload of money goes down to Davy Jones locker. But the payoff? These guys can make their entire yearly income from fishing in 11 weeks. That’s INSANE. And of course, everyone hates Dave who does the best (“‘Ol sneaky Dave!”). And they’re always giving each other fake locations so then people get pissed, cuss and swear, and bitterly chop up chum. It’s incredibly entertaining. And then when they have a tuna on the line, the drama music kicks in but you never know if they’re going to make the catch until the happy music cuts in. And before you know it, your heart’s pounding for these crazy Bostonians. Who knew tuna fishing was so good? Oh that Charlie!

 

5. Friends

Every life situation can be pin-pointed to an episode of Friends. Go ahead and test my theory on that. Yes, this show is over but it’s never gone. Thank you, Nick-At-Nite, for making me feel simultaneously ecstatic and old. But I really don’t need to go on about why people should watch Friends. It’s like trying to convince someone that breathing is good. ‘Nuff said.

“There is always money in the banana stand!”

This picture -tweeted by the gingerlicious Ron Howard – makes me so incredibly happy I’m almost pissed off about it. Mind you, I’ll feel much better once I see some previews because I’m terrified something is going to go wrong in production, like someone bailing out or Will Arnett seriously injuring himself doing Gob’s chicken dance or they run out of money like the Bluth’s always do. Ah, such sweet, sweet memories! But don’t worry guys, repeat after me: THERE’S ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND.

 

The 5 Worst Things About Living in Las Vegas

Once upon a time, I lived in a little known city – you may have heard of it before – called Las Vegas. It’s bright, shiny, and majestic. Celebrities love it, normal people are infatuated by it. Rich people relish there, poor people have no right being there. It’s a city that will feed you grapes right before it punches you square in the face. Just like those Sour Patch commercials. Las Vegas is a real life Sour Patch commercial, except the nice side of its bipolarity doesn’t always come last.

Quick disclaimer: I don’t regret one second of my 2+ years living in Vegas, it gave me thicker skin, birthed a bit of a bitch in me (I have to feed her everyday), a few really great friends, and a lovely boyfriend. That being said, for anyone considering a move to Sin City, here are five of the worst things about living amongst the crazy.

1) The goddamn heat. Ever lived in the desert? It blows. And it also literally BLOWS. The wind, especially in the summer, is excruciating. I’m a pale Irish girl and a lot of my friends would ask me, “You live in Las Vegas, why are still so white?” First off, THANKS. Second, that’s because it’s safer inside. If I went outside in the 120 degree heat, my fair freckled skin would start running away from the rest of my body, desperately seeking the air-conditioning safety of the indoors. Imagine stepping outside and feeling the air around you strangling your throat, throwing you in a garbage bag, and leaving you in the middle of the street. That’s a mildly fair metaphor. The sun has a vendetta against anyone who enters the desert. The sun = Voldemort. Me = Harry Potter. Which means I’d have to die first before facing the sun, and I just wasn’t ever really in the mood to put that much effort into the whole “tanning” process.

2) No ocean breeze, ever. I don’t know how people in Nebraska, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and all those other mid-USA states do it. Being a coastal girl my whole life, I didn’t think being away from the ocean would make that much of a difference but JESUS CHRIST. After the first few hot weeks living in Vegas, it became very apparent to me that I was stranded on land. There was no ocean view for hundreds of miles. NO ESCAPE. And I did not count the man-made sandy beach at Mandalay Bay Hotel, that’s just cheating. I’m not a claustrophobic person by any means, but when I realized I was more or less nearer to the middle of the country, I felt the walls caving in. And by walls, I mean bright hotel towers. And Caesar. He’s such a bastard.

3) No scope of normalcy. While working in the nightclub customer service hell hole, I’d get tons of strangers telling me, “OMG you must love living here! This place is awesome!” Yes. For you, it is awesome because for YOU, you get to transform yourself for a weekend into a raging alcoholic bitch and not feel bad about it because – for YOU – this city represents nothing but a quick escape from the norm. I’m super happy for you, thanks for treating me like gum on the bottom of your 7-inch platform stiletto pumps, which – by the way – you won’t last 30 minutes in. See you in an hour when you’re kicked out of the club. Plus, my work hours were usually something like 9pm-3am, or my favorite 2pm-3am. It’s a strange feeling when you roll up to your house after grabbing some food and it’s 7am, bright and sunny. I’m…supposed to go to sleep now, right?

I even missed seeing a scope of eclectic people around. Mind you, there were plenty of people and tons of weirdos (people watching was a full time sport there) but they were all tourists. Short-lived. Being in metropolitan areas like San Francisco, Boston, New York, Chicago, etc., you’re able to see a vast range of personalities and genres of people that actually inhabit the city scape. In Vegas, you have two kinds of people: families who have nothing to do with the standard Sin City escapades, or those directly involved on the Strip. You’ll learn it’s a very small town.

4) So many fake boobies. Vegas is good for one thing: being someone other than yourself. I have a few select friends who I met and still cherish in that city, and it’s hard work waking up everyday (night) and staying true to who you are, the person you were before entering that crazy town. Most folks who work on the Strip and in the nightclub business originally come to Vegas because they’re 20-something and single. It’s the perfect adult playground: cheap living, good paying easy jobs, and a bunch of hot people who are there for the exact same reasons. The problem is, guys and girls become VIP hosts and cocktail waitresses without realizing the kind of livelihood they need to upkeep. Look pretty AT ALL TIMES, flirt to bring in business but cut them off when the time is right, dance with drunk guys/girls in hopes that they’ll buy more alcohol, and exchange numbers to build clientele (or go bang said clientele – business and pleasure is extremely blurred in this classy town). 99% of the time, all of these attributes for working on the Strip mold people into dicks so they can make more of that mon-ayyyyy. But at what cost? My guess is a $5K – Do you talk to your father wearing those boobs?

5) The Nightclub Industry. Unfortunately, getting a job on the Strip is pretty much the only job in town. Thus, working in a city that thrives off extended holiday weekends SUCKS MAJOR SWEATY BALLS. When you get a job at a nightclub in Las Vegas, you’re given a list of blackout (ha!) dates in which you’re expected to work no matter what. Guess what dates those are? ALL THE FUN ONES. Thinking of going home for Christmas? So does everyone else, and that means a few people are going to need to stick around and man the premises. Aww, you got the short straw this year! But maybe next Christmas, it wasn’t important to see your family anyway, right? Good, just send them a card or something. Also, Labor Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July, etc., you’ll never be able to tell the difference anymore because you’ll work the whole time and forget if these dates mean something other than club managers pressing you about table placements and morning after screaming phone calls from last night’s customers asking where a mysterious charge of $200 came from because they can’t remember a thing. I never found a decent way to tell someone, “HAHAHAHAHA! You got too fucked up and fucked up!” Guess what happens in Vegas, stays on your bank statement.

Ryan Gosling laughing: These are the best pictures you’ll see all day.

And it begins.

 

He laughs in cars, like you and me!

 

Just look at those perfect teeth.

 

Ryaaaaan, you silly goose! LOLOL

 

TEHEHEHEEEEE!

(I meant every word in that love letter.)

 

Just being silly in my bathtub.

 

Stupid (lucky) bitch.

 

Hey Ryan, how do you organize a party in space? You PLANET.

 

He even laughs with his famous friends, like Michelle Williams.

 

Even when playing a cokehead in Half Nelson he kept things optimistic and light-hearted! (Not really, but great movie.)

 

This picture just isn’t even fair.

Monday Memes: A Batman Special

Because The Dark Knight Rises is amazing and memes make us all feel good.

 

Last, but certainly not least.

 

Hey Emmy’s, way to ignore the Duke. AGAIN.

Do mine eyes betray me? Parks & Recreation wasn’t nominated for Best Comedy Series NOR was Nick Offerman nominated for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t worry, Ron Swanson. You don’t need an Emmy. You have a fucking claymore land mine for Christ’s sake! Besides, I think we all know how you feel about these things.

 

Holy Midnight Showings Batman!

In light of the release of The Dark Knight Rises and all the sleep I’m about to lose from attending its midnight showing, I’d like to share with you fine folks a love letter to the big screen. From me. Hi.

Going to the movie theaters is one of my favorite things to do in this world. It’s probably ranked higher than consuming water, but not as high as eating. The way people feel towards Christmas morning, opening presents, being off school/work – that is how I feel when I buy a ticket to a movie I’ve been reading about for months, sometimes even years (yes, I’m one of those types). But a midnight showing for a movie that’s been years in the making? That’s like a chocolate covered Jesus serving me breakfast in bed on Christmas morning as we both gleefully watch Elf and trade off giving back massages. It’s THAT good. Just to give you a little perspective.

My obsession with movies began after I had a pretty heavy duty back surgery in October 2003. Recovering from such an ordeal doesn’t give a person much else to do other than getting comfortable in front of a television screen. So I started to watch movies, a lot of them. Many of them I’d always wanted to see but never got the chance (such as, Mary Poppins). Then I started paying more attention to commercials for movies and thinking, okay I’ve really got to see this shit on a bigger screen. My friend Jackie had already broken me into the idea that seeing a movie multiple times in the theaters is really the way to go, so once I figured, “Well, now I’ve got the time,” it was my moment to fall in love with the big screen. Many, many times.

One of the greatest midnight showings I’ve attended was Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. The nerds came out in droves, in droves. Not only that, they came out in tents and card tables and lawn chairs and capes and elven ears and hobbit feet and thousands of dollars worth of costume. And there I was, in jeans and a stupid normal shirt. Dammit. I never got the memo that there was a way to do this shit right. Because if you’re going to attend a midnight showing, you’ve already trespassed onto crazy grounds. Might as well sport some paraphernalia while riding the cray-cray train. And I was ready to own up.

Jess, one of my best friends, and I have been working long and hard on perfecting our midnight showing experience. From handmade shirts to drive by theater line checks, we pretty much know what’s up. So much that I’m thinking about putting it on my resume – we’re that good. Plus she tends to get really angry at people and isn’t afraid to push aside a child so we can get our perfect seats. It’s a really good time.

(Ask me about the time we drove down to Hollywood to attend the Tropic Thunder LA premiere in our Robert Downey, Jr. camouflage shirts, foam finger, and army bandanas and met Jason Bateman and shook hands with RDJ, himself. (Seriously, ask me – I loooooove telling that story.))

We tend – ha! sorry, I meant we ALWAYS plan our summers around movie openings. Which are worth the midnight showing? Which must be seen opening day? Which might be early Oscar contenders? What movies can we wait a while to see since the crowd is probably going to be a horrendous amount of teenagers? This isn’t just art, people, it’s science.

And today is a special one, ladies and gents. Today marks the opening ceremonies for Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight Rises. I fully expect some of the best people watching I’ve ever encountered at a midnight showing to occur tonight, and I couldn’t be more excited. The Dark Knight did not disappoint, we saw the worst Batman costume ever (black spandex onesie and bat ears and a very serious demeanor) and one of the greatest Joker costumes (omg he totally sat by us, too!). Not to mention all the comic geek talk about whose powers are better than whose and how there’s always SOMEONE dressed in a rival comic book character just looking to throw down some harsh words from a safe distance away (think Star Trek at a Star Wars premiere).

But not only that, it’s a feeling reminiscent of that night years ago when Return of the King came out and I experienced one of the most powerful moments of my movie loving life. That feeling of unexpected unity, of all these strangers coming together for one purpose – to be entertained as hell. You can compare it to a sporting event, where everyone is wearing jerseys and rooting for the same team and hugging total strangers, but it’s cool and normal because we just won the game! There’s a certain electricity you can feel when everyone is packed tight in a massive theater waiting for years of anticipation to finally draw its curtain. And when the lights go dim, there’s a fucking roar of excitement. It’s contagious and you can’t stop the goosebumps. Or that fat, shit-eating grin that spreads across your face when you realize, HOLY SHIT I’M GOING TO CRAP MY PANTS AND NOW I’M SCREAMING TOO.

Tonight, folks.

Cannot. Fucking. Wait.

Quote of the Day

Hey, it’s Hump Day everybody! Feel free to spit back at a camel anytime today. It happens more than you think, just ask Aladdin.

For today’s Quote of the day, a little something to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD.