Just try not to smile right now. You will fail. TGI-Cat, everyone!
Just try not to smile right now. You will fail. TGI-Cat, everyone!
Today, let’s take a moment to stop and think about why something looks the way that it does. Mrs. Beyonce-Z will be our guest of honor.
Bey, will you step up here for me please?
Why are you doing that? I don’t understand, and I’m literally in agonizing pain just looking at the pretzel you made of yourself.
I can imagine Bey was all like, “I’m from Texas, now hold on, let me just find my comfy place. Gonna lay right here…and twist my legs like so…casually grab my foot with my Terminator glove…feels fantastic. Doesn’t everyone lounge around their batrillion dollar homes like this? By the way, have you seen my baby? She’s my single lady.”
Whatever the case may be, I give her credit for being able to separate the top half of her body from the bottom half. She is pure magic.
Little do we know it, but everyday we put trust in the strangers around us not to be dicks or fuck up in a way that puts ourselves and our loved ones in a crappy situation. Whenever I can remember, I like to say a silent prayer to keep my family and friends safe from erratic drivers or any kind of mean person that day. Because let’s just admit it, there are some stupid fuckin people in this world. And I’m not just talking about those who are looking to harm anyone, because sometimes I think the meanest, rudest people are ones who are just plain inconsiderate of their surroundings.
I have the privilege to ride public transportation everyday on the Bay Area’s subway/train system, so luckily I don’t have to worry about shitty drivers as much as I’m terrified of being stuck in the underwater bay tube and being drowned in some sick, twisted sequel to Deep Impact. What I do observe everyday are strangers’ habits. I like to play the game “Noble or Narrow?” as I watch people taking seats and those left standing. Who’s paying attention to that precious old lady who just entered the nearly full train? What about that pregnant woman reaching up for the handle in front of that teenage boy fast asleep with his Beats headphones blaring so loud it’s practically at full volume in the train? Would it be completely inappropriate if I kicked that kid right square in the ballsack?? Maybe I’ll let my purse slip a little and smack him in the face. OOPSIES.
But it gets better, because at least he’s passed out. There’s a young lady with a Louis Vitton purse sitting next to him texting away on her iPhone. I’m sure it’s the same person she’s been talking to for the last 5 hours discussing the same fuckin topic about how he hasn’t text her yet and they had such a good time last night so she needs to hear from her BFF that she’s totally worth more and he can go fall off a cliff because HOW DARE HE?! All the while, there’s a pregnant belly swinging no less that 10 inches from the top of her head.
The worst culprits, in my opinion, are grown men. The ones who are playing video games on their iPads, chillin’ in their seat. I’d like to think they have a foot condition or back issues and, thus, have every right to swoop in on a seat while the 40-year old woman at his shoulder juggles her three work bags. However, most of the time that benefit of doubt gets chased away by the little pragmatic gnome that lives in my head, and I suddenly feel like telling him he’s being a dick and the angry bird gods will never let him win that level if he doesn’t find a set of balls and stand the fuck up.
This is literally an everyday occasion on the train. People not minding others around them. So imagine my surprise yesterday when, on a train with few seats left, I witnessed a young man give up his seat at the sign of the first female to walk through the door (a middle aged lady in this instance). No hesitation, no questions asked. NOBLE. My insides immediately went to goo as my ovaries cried out in admiration. And this guy isn’t alone, there are a few good men – and women, for that matter – out there practicing such chivalrous ways. Even yours truly has given up her chair a fair few times. I sometimes snag a seat in the morning and catch up on some reading, but I avoid taking any seats close to the door where it’s plainly reserved for seniors, pregnant women, or disabled persons (which, technically, I fit into the latter. Thank you back fusion 😉 ). Plus, whenever I ride standing I try to use it as an ab workout, not holding onto anything as I struggle to stay on balance. USE YOUR CORE, SHARON. It’s a good time. I don’t suggest this while reading. Not a good time. Besides, most of us are sitting for the majority of the day so why do you need to do so for 40 more minutes? You don’t, so stop being a dick and take a look around.
The lesson here? Chivalry exceeds the male species these days, but seeing a gentleman be a gentleman can still make a girl go weak in the knees. Be good to each other, because it really can make a difference in someone’s life – whether it’s the older man you’re giving up your seat for, your own well being, or a keen observer that you just made smile. So go on then, be someone’s hero.
In case you’re a recluse, some serious shit is going down in the NFL right now. And at the end of last night’s Monday Night Football game of the Green Bay Packers vs The Seattle Seahawks, all that shit hit a muthafuckin fan. If you missed any part of this mayhem, this is basically what happened:
No seriously, that’s actually what happened. To put it into context, here’s all you need to know, spoken eloquently by Steve (fuckin awesome) Young.
As a sports fan, this is the worst. Baseball, volleyball, soccer, basketball, etc. – no team should ever, EVER lose a game based off a flagrantly blown call. Mind you, this isn’t the first time a bad call has cost a team a game. However, thanks to the power of technology and a rulebook, the NFL has a way of reviewing calls to make sure the right conclusion is made. From said replay, it’s pretty goddamn obvious that’s an interception, but the referee called it a touchdown. Not only that, but with all the hoopla surrounding the shitty game calling the replacement refs have done on the field, the touchdown call from last night was further reviewed by the upstairs refs who are NOT part of these replacements we’ve all been bitching about and have been around for years. So how does this happen? No, I’m actually asking, HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? Because the sporting world is in absolute shock.
Can you imagine if a pitcher threw a ball that hit the dirt outside of the strike zone but the umpire still called it a strike, thus outing the batter and winning the game?
This weekend was solid for the world of entertainment. First up, one of my favorite shows of all time Full House turned 25, reinforcing the fact that my childhood is incredibly over and I’m old. That being said, the cast reunited for this splendid occasion, except for the Olson twins. I’m sure they just got scared away when they heard food would be at the party.
To prove this shindig existed and to encourage the humming of Uncle Jesse’s “Forever” at my desk, here are some pictures the cast was kind enough to tweet the world.
Everyone has gotten older except one person. Can you guess who? Of course you can. It’s John fuckin Stamos. Dave Coulier is trying to soak up some of Stamos’s perfection by placing his hands directly over each amazing shoulder. It’s not going to work Uncle Joey, you oughtta know (whaaaaa?). Bob Saget looks wasted, and I’m sure he was. I’m also sure he was vulgar and hilarious and cuddled with Stamos the whole time. The girls all look awesome, and little Stephanie sure did spout the boobies, didn’t she? I’m just glad to know DJ and Kimmy still look chummy. Aladdin looks about right, too. At least, I think he does. My eyes haven’t drifted too far from John Stamos. I can’t decide if I should look at his arm, the V-neck collar area, his face, or his hair. IT’S TOO DIFFICULT.
I need to tear myself away from this, time for Poehler.
The Emmys were last night. I didn’t watch them. How dare they not nominate Parks & Recreation for Best Comedy Series? Or Nick Offerman for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy? Or give Steve Carrell an Emmy for his work as Michael Scott? Or Hugh Laurie an Emmy for House? So I was trying to make a statement by not watching. Or I totally forgot and was too busy telling the referees in the Patriots vs Ravens game to GO FUCK THEMSELVES to notice the Emmys were on. Either way, the power of the internet catches me up and my top moment happens to include one of my favorite female celebs graciously losing to the wonderful Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Damn shame. But tip ‘o the hat to Dreyfus for being cool enough to share the spotlight with the funniest woman on television (in all honesty, from the one Veep episode I’ve seen, Dreyfus is awesome). The lesson here? Funny women are awesome and more powerful together. Right Amy?
The internet was kind enough to put together a compilation of Jennifer Lawrence being interviewed by various talk show hosts and fellow celebs. The result is this video and the awesomesauce that is Jennifer Lawrence.
First off, we should be friends. I see amazing sleepovers, hair braiding, and wine parties in our future. The fact that she snuck in some Harry Potterness makes us soul sisters and we can take turns reading randomly from all the books only to later discuss the major themes that resonate most. Now, I haven’t put much thought into it, but those are just some suggestions.
Secondly, she genuinely seems pretty fuckin cool. Which means we must protect her from the evilness that is Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes. Jennifer, don’t ever do drugs. Not even Tylenol. You might even want to steer clear of any kind of vitamins, just in case. Stick to those adult vitamin gummies because I’m pretty sure they aren’t what they say they are and it’s just 100% sugary goodness. While we’re at it, no more powdered sugar, we don’t want you getting any ideas. The only exception would be on top of french toast because that shit is fuckin GOOD. Also, try not to worship Brad and Angelina too much because you don’t want none of that crazy. But I will wholeheartedly agree that Brad Pitt is super hot and aging unfairly well.
Basically, I feel like it’s our American – nay, HUMAN duty to make sure Jennifer Lawrence stays awesome and brilliant. If you haven’t seen Winter’s Bone, the movie she was an Oscar nominee for, she is absolutely amazing. And, of course, she’s the perfect Katniss. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for this young actress, but let’s make sure it’s not the same path as LiLo and Amanda. They be fucked up.
Jen, give me a call, we have the same dreams.
About fuckin time.
Yes, the show I’ve been dedicating my blog to for the past week is finally back tonight. NBC @ 9:30PM. Tomorrow, I will be coming up with material other than Parks & Recreation related – or so I will try. But until then, I’ll be dying of excitement all day today, trying to keep my cool, at my desk looking like this.
But when I get home.
I get to find out what the hell is going on with some of my favorite (fictional) friends tonight. As do you, if you’re a decent human being wishing for what’s good in life. Don’t you want happiness? Reflect on it, take a look in the mirror and ask for yourself.
You look like shit. But you have a potentially amazing bone structure so go watch an episode of Parks & Recreation and you’ll be as good as new! Or you’ll be Rob Lowe, which is probably an upgrade anyway. So go on then! TREAT. YO. SELF.
Oh hot damn! I’m a .com now. Stubbornly thinking all over this muthafuckaaaaaaa! I’ll try to reel in my excitement…ahem, onto biznass.
Contrary to my first two Parks & Recreation posts this week, the characters on this show are actually sober most of the time. It’s like 70/30.
Regardless, I’m continuing my lovefest of this show by sharing with you fine folks the many different faces of Parks & Rec. Possibly the funniest part of any show filmed in documentary style is that it allows for the greatest facial expressions of all mankind. Everyone gives great face, and all of these faces are expressions we’ve all known and shared and unintentionally displayed ourselves (we’re just not doing it in front of cameras and rich and funny and famous and stuff). P&R will go down in history as providing televsion (and the internet) with some of the greatest reactions and comedic moments, ever. Tom’s Tom face is possibly one of the happiest things I’ve ever seen in my life, I can literally feel the endorphines releasing when he makes that face. Ron Swanson has a gift: To be completely devoid of emotion, yet get sentimental at the same time. He super hates it though. And he doesn’t give a shit about you or me, which makes me love him more. Everyone on this show gets those “OMG LOOK AT THEIR FACE HAHA!” moments, making it hard to pick a favorite. So I’m not gonna, and you can’t fuckin make me, goddammit. These are GOOD PEOPLE. REAL PEOPLE (I’m getting a ‘lil crazy now). I love them all equally. Except for Jerry.
Today you get a real treat. It’s just a handful of the many expressions of Parks & Recreation! Better known as, the internet’s emotional core.
Ron, why don’t you start us off here?
Let’s recap, shall we?
And just for funsies.
“Oh, hi there hangover, you’re a bitch with a dick.” – Said every person who’s ever lived.
For today’s edition of my Parks & Recreation devoted post, Leslie Knope teaches us a lesson in being drunk. It’s an unwritten law that drunk people do stupid things. We have all been there, in that morning after pool of sweat and humiliation. Your friends are laughing, telling you how fuckin hilarious you were and going on about the amount you drank and how proud they were of your recklessness. When in reality, you hurt so bad – and if you had any strength or feeling in your good arm you’d totally punch them hard in the fuckin face. All their talk about the shots and mixed drinks and those last few blacked out beers make you want to cry and suck on your thumb. Suck all those toxins out of your fuckin THUMB. At this point, your friends are the worst. They let you drink that much and now your head feels like it’s literally going to combust. Repeat after me, Friends don’t let friends mix their alcohol. Unless they deserve it, because there’s no arguing with a drunkard – amiright? I’ll laugh at you in the morning, suckaaaaaa!
I don’t remember where I was going with this, and I’m pretty sure I lost the point at the end there, but here’s a video compilation of Leslie Knope’s best drunk moments.
PARKS & RECREATION COMES BACK THIS THURSDAY AND I’M EXCITED ABOUT IT.
Okay so if you haven’t noticed from the number of previous posts I’ve written showering my unconditional love for the show Parks & Recreation, I kinda dig this program. It’s awesome and it returns to form this week so I’m dedicating my blog to a bunch of Park & Rec posts. If you haven’t caught up on this show yet or don’t know who Ron Swanson is, I feel super sorry for you – you must be incredibly unhappy and unfulfilled with yourself, in general. But don’t worry, there are ways to become joyful and prosperous again! Netflix, Hulu, and a bunch of illegal sites are eagerly awaiting your viewership. Do it. And stick it out through Season 2 because Season 1 is a whopping 6 episodes and thus automatically doesn’t ask for your judgement.
For today’s honorary clip, it comes from one of my favorite episodes of television of all time. From Season 3’s “The Fight,” after everyone enjoys some healthy Snake Juice cocktails.
Let’s take a closer look at the gloriousness that is Ron Swanson wasted.
Oh my God. I’m just….I’m so happy.