Have you ever been eating a stick of celery plain and realize, holy shit – since when did I enjoy eating celery plain? Probably about the time when everything you ate went directly to your love handles, making them capable to be used as actual handles. But even so, it’s not like your forcing yourself to eat this celery stick. No, it was on a veggie platter at your friend’s house and you went straight for the veggies before hitting the greasy chips. When the fuck did this happen? When did my taste buds decide it’s okay to skip over those amazingly fatty chips? It’s okay, I’ll just start drinking and then they’ll be a big greasy hand print on the front of my pants by the end of the night. (I still have not grown into napkins)
I used to hate you! The fact that you are green freaked me out. Guacamole just seemed like a bowl of baby puke. But now I fuckin’ LOVE you. I don’t know how that happened, but it’s been a few years and I don’t ever want to live without you. I’m adding you to salads, sandwichs, appetizers, and anything else that needs to go green.
How was there ever a time when I didn’t like you? I was young and stupid and unrealistic. You come in so many different flavors and colors that I get to choose which of you I’m in the mood for! My GOD. If I didn’t have the tolerance of a 12-year old girl, I’d probably replace my water bottle next to my computer with a bottle of you.
You tasted so horrible a few years ago, and I refused to eat you afterward. But THEN, you were at a party and I gave you a second chance and angels sang. You + pita chips = my Friday night snack. Thanks for being patient with me, you glorious mush of Zeus.
4. Medieval shit
When I was younger, medieval/renaissance/period piece stuff used to bore me to death. All the proper language and courtesies and uptight dancing. OMGZzzzzzzz. But then I was dragged to see Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring and I came out thinking, THAT WAS THE SHIT. I wanted a giant wool cloak and a fuckin’ badass sword and long beautiful hair and layers of heavy clothing for the winters and a ruthless enemy who I wanted to ride out and slay the shit out of with scruffy exiled kings and knights. WHAAAAAAA! And then I took “To Be A Knight” class in college, which makes me so incredibly geeky but whatever, I know how to wield a sword (not really) so don’t judge me (but I totally would) or I’ll stab you in the face (no, I could hardly lift the fake sword). And now I’m reading Game of Thrones and all I want is to fast forward time to when I get on BART and can read some more.
5. Early bedtime
I used be a night owl, loving how grown up I’d feel seeing it was 3:30AM and I was still doing my thing. And when I lived in Vegas I figured it would be the perfect match, I’d finally have my ideal nighttime schedule I knew was always right for me! Fuck this daytime shit, I come alive at night! Dats wussup! Right! Right? It was then when I realized I wasn’t a vampire (no matter how much Mike insists that I am – paleness and cold skin is NOT a fair consensus). My body craved the early mornings again, and with that came the absolute need for an earlier bedtime. Anything past 11:30PM makes me want to cry.