Hi, my name is Sharon and I love “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction and I’m super fuckin psyched that boy bands have made a comeback. Really, is there anything more cheesy than a boy band? Even the terminology of it makes me smile like a little 12-year old girl. The silly wardrobe coordination, the rising up on stage in one dramatic line, and the corny lyrics that your brain initially refuses based off some weird mental reputation you hold of yourself but then you can’t stop singing those words with that shit-eating grin on your face. You are not alone, but take it from me, it’s easier if you just let go and allow your body to accept it.
Snape, step up here and show ’em how it’s done.
Beautiful. Now that your body is ready, let’s go over 5 of the most fantastic boy bands that have made my life better, and if you receive them willingly, they’ll bring you great joy, too. This is also my chance to relive the late 90s/early 00s and remember when pop music was last at its finest. Did you ever think you’d miss such pure pop music??? After all the Lil Wayne and autotune of the past decade, I’m over-fuckin-joyed to see One Direction bring all the hype back. Now if only Eminem would come out of the woodworks and make fun of them. Ah, such sweet, sweet memories!
My favorites. Look how happy they are! (Maybe not Kevin, but he was always the outcast and he’s all smushed there in the middle) Don’t you just love the old Bop and Tiger Beat magazine photoshoot pictures where the boy bands are all bunched together and piggy-backed on each other? It’s the equivalent of farting glitter, people. This is true happiness, incapsulated in a photo. Suck it, Instagram.
2. NSYNC or Nsync or *Nsync
Look at this picture and tell me you don’t want to reenact it with all your best friends right now. THEY’RE HAVING SO MUCH FUN. Farts and glitter, people. Farts and glitter.
3. 98 Degrees
It’s the boy band who couldn’t dance and took their name literally! Ah, remember when song lyrics and names were taken literally? SO GOOD. Also, these guys were the sexified boy band who confused little fangirls because they didn’t know what that warm, tingly feeling meant downstairs. It was their tween teaser for when they later in life went to see Chippendales. Thanks for starting the fire, 98 Degrees!
The British boys who played INSTRUMENTS. There was no dancing, they didn’t need to fuckin dance. Not when we’re admiring the fact that they’re holding instruments and talking like a Brit. Automatic swoon. Just…not even fair.
Satin. Velvet. Pajamas. I’m all about the picture at an angle and having the hot one keep his shirt unbuttoned. And look at the sensitive one, with his eyes on the floor, thinking about the love song he’s about to write me. And the tough guy, with his badass chain that separates him from the rest. And the funny one, Chris Kirkpatrick back there, all fat and stuff. RIP Jason “QT” McKnight.
And now I can add another to the ranks, One Direction. It’s not even fair how much happiness exudes out of this tune. If the U.N. played this in their gatherings, I believe world peace would be inevitable. Now, please excuse me while I go bounce off the walls while singing this song. My body is ready.