Look At These 20 Pictures Of People Super Scared.

Since my first post today was a political rant, I think this calls for a two-post day with this second one being way better and more awesome. Aka – free of politics.

So feast your eyes on these pictures taken from the hidden camera at the Nightmares Fear Factory in Niagara Falls, CA. This is a place I will NEVER GO TO, lest I shit my pants for the first time in my life since diapers.

Enjoy watching people be pussies!

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Rich President, Poor Country.

Why do all politicians seem like the last person I want voicing my struggles, opinions and interests to the rest of the world?

While watching the second Presidential Debate last night, I couldn’t help but get more frustrated with the future of our nation. That’s a sad reality since these forums are supposed to ease my nerves and part the clouds as one candidate sprouts a unicorn horn and I run out in full support to vote. That didn’t happen – in fact, the opposite happened. Instead I’m looking at these two rich guys wondering where the hell they got the nerve to serve up some crazy bullshit about how they’re going to fix America. They trained to tell us what we want to hear, that’s a given.

As much as everyone is flying their party flags, we all need to fess up to the fact that these guys are both working for a bunch of dicks. Obama, Romney – they’re the same, just two mouthpieces who are coached to tell us stories around their golden plated campfires to draw us into the plan that the guys behind them want put forth. If there’s one thing I got from the debate last night, it’s that neither of them have real answers for the state of our nation. Everyone heard their generalizations, and that’s all they ever are:

“I know what it takes to get this nation back on track.”

“I actually care about 100% of Americans.”

“When I was a little boy, I met a woman who’s story related to this question and I’m going to tell it so that my time is taken up and I don’t have to answer your question but I will generally tell you I should get four more years.”

But the most annoying part of listening to these guys was hearing them say “Us.” Like they are anything like the rest of us. They talked about resurrecting the middle class, saying “we need a stronger middle class” and “a better economy is coming around for us”. No. No, no, no, NO. Neither of you are allowed to talk about OUR struggles. That’s like Romney saying he knows what it’s like to be a black man, or Obama claiming to know what it’s like to be asian. The fact of the matter is, you guys are always going to be okay, no matter how shitty the economy gets. Obama – You’re the President of the United fuckin States. You’re set for life. And even if you weren’t, Michelle has a badass law degree and will make your family even more. How rich you are now, and before your presidency, doesn’t affect the middle class. Romney – You wreak of money, most Republicans and pretty much all other politicians do. But it’s all over your face. I’m sure you’ve got your hand in China’s wealth and a bunch of other countries, too, and I have no doubt Obama does as well because you’re all the same. Bottom line:  It frightens me that I can’t trust either of you.

If I had to break it down by candidate, this is how my train thought would go:

Romney, you look like a typical rich white guy – I’m sure you’re a wonderful family man and good for you. Maybe your business know-how could get us back on track, but I wouldn’t have a beer with you because I don’t think you could talk about anything else but business. I’m glad you’re so concentrated on the economy, but I still don’t understand how you want to do this because your plan is confusing and I’m afraid your people don’t want to me to understand it for a shady reason. Also, marriage isn’t the answer to less violence considering some marriages are crap, littered with abuse and hate. Some kids are better off with a good, single parent surrounded by a loving family. Great American name, though. Mitt.

Obama, if your stories were strippers, I’d be out of dollar bills. Which, actually, sounds about right. I’m 27-years old living at home with my parents and I’ve been unemployed twice in the past 2.5 years. I’m just now building up my savings because I’m afraid it could all be lost again tomorrow. I’m hoping I won’t have to be roommates with my parents much longer so I can feel that sense of independence again, but it’s still a little ways off. You mesmerize the nation with your storytelling, and I’d totally have a beer with you, but my God do you know how to bullshit your way through a speech. You do it well, too. Romney, McCain – they can’t tell it like you can. Problem is, I really think the past four years have sucked and I’d love nothing more than for you to say, “Uhhh America, I’m sorry I haven’t been able to do more. I promised you change and you haven’t seen the results I said were sure to come. I’m not going to blame anyone else but myself. I’m going to try harder and do better this time by doing A, B, C, D, E, etc instead of always playing basketball and telling you my football predictions. Pinky swear it.” Stop finding a scapegoat, we all know Bush fucked up but so have you. Everyone wanted Bush to come forward and say “sorry”, but I think we deserve some honesty from you, too. Quit telling us stories and start answering the questions.

I have an idea of who I’ll be voting for based on other issues, but I’m not 100% thrilled about it. Plus I live in California so it’s pretty much already decided for me. But if I had it my way, I’d vote for a guy in Pittsburgh, PA who’s hard at work everyday in our steel industry. Or a female restaurant manager at a successful mom-and-pops cafe who is also a mother of three and loves to watch Walking Dead with her hubby on Sunday nights. These people are living and breathing the middle class struggle. They’re the ones Obama and Romney spend an hour with for a photoshoot and suddenly believe they understand it all. I want Erin Brockovich manning America’s helm, dammit.

I love this country, but the future seems dim. Granted, we have it better than many countries in this world, and for that, I stick around. There has always been a sense of hopes, dreams, and accomplishments on American soil, but those vibrant feelings have lately been reduced to a simple “maybe.” I’m hoping to the high heavens that whoever is elected proves me wrong and gives the name of President of the United States a sense of trust again. Right now, I’m ready to flip a coin and let luck lead the way.

The Golden Globes Are Already So Good This Year; Beyonce Is The Superbowl Halftime Show; and The Best Gangnam Mash Up Ever.

We have three topics to get through today, so let’s kick this bitch off right quick.

 

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Are Hosting The 70th Annual Golden Globes

Oh my God. OMG. OHMIGOD. Words cannot express how excited I am about this, so I’m just going to piss my pants and giggle like a stupid little schoolgirl with a bladder control problem.

HA! I totally have words – I have a blog, for fuck’s sake. How awesome is the best friendship of Tina and Amy? First off, according to the literary masterpiece of Bossypants, these two gal pals have known each other since their Chicago theater days. Before fame and fortune. Before SNL. They’re practically college best friends who’ve supported one another and worked together for decades. They got famous and hosted Weekend Update together. How great would it be to host Weekend Update with your BEST FRIEND? Oh wait, probably not as cool as starring in the hit movie Baby Mama with your BEST FRIEND. And now they get to host the motherfuckin’ Golden Globes together – AS BEST FRIENDS.

Amy, Tina – if you can hear me. Recruit me as your best friend. If you just give me a chance, I promise you’ll want to take vacations with me.

 

Beyonce Is Performing At The Superbowl

The internet once again wins at leaking very important information. Apparently, Beyonce will be our halftime entertainment at the Superbowl XLVII, but official word isn’t coming out until tomorrow. Or so the internet says.

I’m totally okay with Beyonce being the halftime entertainment, she’s a kickass live performer from what I’ve gotten out of watching TV and hearing my rich friends gloat about their concert experiences. I expect a lot of hair and giant fans blowing Bey’s hair. But she needs to stick to her upbeat songs, NO R&B BULLSHIT. This is fuckin’ football and people will be drinking beer – not wine, not Courvoisier. I also have a request for Bey:  Please bring out Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams for some Destiny’s Child mind-blowing, ’90s/’00s awesomeness. Performing “Survivor” with your best gal pals will empower my ovaries to punch everyone in the face. It’ll be a good time.

Also, Bey – I know you’re friends with Kanye but if you bring him with you, we’re all gonna be like:

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Ghostbusters, Meet The Crazy Asian Influence of Gangnam Style

Jammin’ this all day.

 

Hey Look! The UK Is Kinda Gross.

This is a thing. A real thing in the UK.

Okay, first of all –

Ew.

Second, someone was actually paid to come up with this idea and see it through. WTF Brits – I thought you guys were better at staying skinny than us meat-lovin’ Americans? Granted, I love me a good ballpark frank – load that shit up with ketchup, mustard, grated cheese and maybe some chili and I’ll be shittin’ rainbows all day long. But, there’s a line that must be drawn with our heavier foods, and UK Pizza Hut has crossed the line and made it gross.

Besides, they’re doing hot dogs a large injustice because you know that crust could get burnt and then what? No, my hot dog must be served on a soft bun so all the juices can be properly absorbed – like a fuckin SPONGE. There must be an even condiment to hot dog touching ratio and this just doesn’t work. I don’t dip my dog, nor do I just drizzle mustard over it. It must be all encompassing, totally at one together. Lots of touching and no pizza. If I want pizza, I’ll put it on the side. It’s triangular, so that shit will fit.

Plus, this could increase the amount of hot dogs eaten daily (YUM!), putting the entire UK population at a higher risk of butt cancer (oh…). It’s science.

 

This Carjacker Probably Shit His Pants.

Since I know you’re probably an avid carjacker, like this Snatch wannabe, but next time you try to jack a car with tinted windows, make sure NO ONE IS IN IT.

I, for one, didn’t realize Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas drives such a shitty car. Hopefully this means the almighty BEP is finally coming to an end. Or starting to make good music again. AHHHH – remember when they made good music???

Let’s reminisce.

Evil Hamster Judges You.

Having a good day so far? Enjoy it while you can.

Evil Hamster plots your demise from behind his Coca-Cola bottle. Always watching, always judging. Always Coca-Cola.

Hamster looking really evil - AnimalsBeingDicks.com

I’m terrified.

Why Does This Exist?

I’m sittin’ pretty at a Sendgrid workshop thingymajiggy in Potrero Hill feeling extremely suburban in this artsy part of town (as if the rest of the city isn’t artsy?). But there’s a sparkly, glittery lion staring me in the face so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be able to pay attention to this powerpoint presentation because I’m going to keep replaying the entirety of The Lion King in my head until shiny Mufasa is no longer in my peripheral vision. SIIIIIIMMMMMMMMBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Thus, I don’t have much time for words today, so here are some pictures of disturbing and weird things that oddly exist.

THIS GUY.

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The Brits Are Hilarious, and So Is This Sexist Fake Ad.

Back in 2009, the folks from the BBC’s comedic series That Mitchell and Webb Look created a television advertisement that pretty much nails the difference between female and male commercials. Basically, this clip is both kinda sexist AND super hilarious. But if you take this type of social commentary really seriously, my advice would be to a) don’t watch it and b) stop being a pussy. This shit is funny so quit being an asshole.

 

“And your children’s clothes are filthy.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA. It’s funny because it’s so goddamn true – right? Us chesticled beings are constantly bombarded with laundry detergent, hair color, anti-aging, and period cramping advertisements, whereas the testicled folk get condoms, Axe body spray, Old Spice, shaving, and beer ads. Aren’t gender stereotypes FUN??1!

To relieve you of this hilarious bit ‘o sexism, here are some awful things that are completely and uselessly unisex.

Dogbrella

Hug Me Jacket

(because it deserves another photo)

Shark pillow/suffocator

DIY Ostrich Pillow

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Daniel Craig Is One Fine Ass Motherfucker.

This gif seems to be playing on loop in my head. Which means I’ve recently had a questionable look on my face – my eyes not really focusing and I’m smiling more than usual. It’s just a really good feeling, you guys. And I want to share that with you.

Daniel, will you please come on down here and show us your badass, fine ass self?

 

JESUS CHRIST.

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Valentine’s Day 2013 Sounds Like A Good Day To Die Hard.

Perhaps not for the same reasons as others, especially those who will be listening to a mix of Adele, Beyonce and Alanis Morissette throughout the day, but for those of us who KICK ASS, read on.

DIE HARD FIVE.

This movie will not suck – you know why? Because it’s John fuckin McClane. Look, I don’t care how old Bruce Willis is getting, because when he takes on the persona of John McClane, it’s fucking awesome. Always. Forever. And if Brucey decides to do 20 more Die Hard films, I will be there. Opening day. Front row. Yippee-ki-yayin’ all fuckin day long.

So without further adue, if you haven’t seen this teaser trailer for A Good Day To Die Hard (aka, Die Hard 5), you need to stop what you’re doing immediately and get pumped up. ‘SPLOSIONS! JOHN MCCLANE! THE ODE TO JOY! PUNCHING FACES! MORE ‘SPLOSIONS!!! I just want to play with fire right now and jump out my office window landing on a passing trolley bus because how badass would that be??! But since I’m not a dumbass piece of shit, I’ll leave that to John fuckin McClane and the good people in Hollywood to make those stunts come to life. Or on screen. Whatever.

Watch this.