What Should We Call It?

Cher, a little help please?

 

When a friend seems to have fallen off the face of the earth because she’s too busy doing absolutely nothing with her boyfriend.

 

 

Let’s Play A Game! Are These Guys or Girls?

The duo is called Jedward. They’re identical twins from Ireland. Their names are John and Edward. They claim to be “brothers” but I’m no fool.

Jedward, please take the stand as though you’re auditioning to be Liza Minnelli’s court jesters.

Stumped yet?

The real answer is secret option neither. They are clones of Miley Cyrus, sent to Europe by the Mayans to begin destroying the world.

IT’S HAPPENING.

 

 

Happy 32nd Birthday, Ryan Gosling – Human Unicorn.

It’s a very important day.

Today we celebrate the birth of Ryan Gosling – the human unicorn. The perfect specimen. A one-of-a-kind golden gift that God is so proud of He’s probably popped open a bottle of champagne and is on glass three by now. Well done, big guy. WELL. DONE.

That’s a stupid fucking question.

In honor of this great day, which I’m sure will end up becoming an international holiday at some point, let’s take a look at some of Ryan’s most recent best moments:

Ryan in a white shirt.

Ryan in a magazine.

Ryan at the airport.

Resort Ryan.

Ryan at the airport again.

Ryan playing an instrument.

Ryan in a doorway.

Ryan on a chair.

Ryan in black and white.

Ryan proving that he can make a pajama top work on the red carpet.

Ryan rubbing his eye.

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Ryan as a pancake.

Ryan breaking up a fight.

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Ryan with his dog.

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Ryan being good with kids.

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The Difference Between a Douche and a Dick.

My significant other and I were recently discussing the distinguishing factors between people who are douchebags and those who are dicks. He willing admits he can be a dick sometimes, but I think it’s just a common misconception about folks who have grown up on the East Coast. There’s a brevity about the language and tone of voice used when East Coasters chat with each other. It’s not meant for any harm, but when they travel around and find themselves in the cushy corners of the West Coast, suddenly people are crying and yelling about these foreigners being dicks. And so the world turns.

Mike (said significant other) is a good guy. Nah – a fuckin’ amazing one. Sometimes he’s even a little too hard on himself when he’s too unselfish or nice – seems a little odd, right? Growing up in the Greater Boston Area can turn a guy callous, constantly watching his back for that eventual stabbing feeling. And even with this notion, he’s a great guy. He’s given me thicker skin while I’ve given him overt amounts of sunshine and daisies. It’s a decent trade off, especially since California is full of people that want to pet you and make you feel like everything is gonna be cool, man, because we’re sensitive to your feelings. This isn’t exactly the street rules where Mike is from. Every man for himself, that’s what he’s used to. Family loyalty is law but that won’t stop the name calling and shouting. It’s all out of love. In the Golden State, name calling and shouting leads to lawsuits and tears. And why do all these California guys wear such tight fucking pants? WHERE DO THEY PUT THEIR PENIS AND BALLS? These are common observations from a non-California born male.

And this is why, from time to time, Mike sees himself as being a bit of a dick. He can be short with people because he just wants to get something done. But he’s worked enough customer service jobs in his 27 years to always make people of every type feel appreciated, even if it’s just a simple, “How ya doin’ today?” His collar will always be blue, and I love him for it.

That led our discussion to what makes someone a douche. The real difference we concluded to was the fact that a douche is a person filling a facade and trying way, way, WAY too hard. They’re being someone who they’ve specifically set out to be, craving the attention of a certain type of person. It’s an act and it slowly makes them ignorant and dumb, whereas with a dick, you know what you’re getting at all times and you know they can also be a good person behind that stone face after, lovingly, calling you an asshole.

While living and working in Las Vegas, I met a ridiculous amount of douchebags. They ranged from tourists who were looking for a two night escape from the norm, thus decided to be douchebags in order to score that skanky ass bitch who just fell down from being drunk for 5 hours, to the VIP Hosts who only took the job so they could make themselves up every night to get the attention of the hottest guys that visit and leave Sin City every weekend. They act suave and well-to-do, but they really have absolutely nothing going for them, except that chick’s number. Of course, there are exceptions to this stereotype, there always is. But this is pretty much the doing of the douche. And it’s equal opportunity, men and women.

Another point to be made, a douche can be a dick but a dick cannot be a douche. Bring that one up in seminar one day and kick up your feet for a while.

Also, this:

And this.

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And Cris Angel.

I hope we’ve all learned something here and take more consideration when labeling someone a douche or a dick. These are words, people. Treat them with care.

Denim Jean Open Toe Mid Calf Boot Flat Dress Sandal Womens Shoes – These Actually Exist.

Mother of Christ that’s an unnecessary name for a shitty shoe. At least Crocs is a one syllable piece of crap. But if you think the name is bad enough, the worst part is it’s extremely accurate to its long description.

THIS. This exists.

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But wait – THERE’S MORE. They come in different colors.

 

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Too far, fashion world. TOO FAR.

If I see anyone wearing these boots/shoes/sandals/abominations to your feet, this is happening.

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And then I will introduce them to these things called JEANS. They’re like, pants…but denim. You wear them with shoes, sandals, or boots. Normal footwear.

Next thing you know the fashion world will be creating a backward heeled shoe that demeans its wearer into looking like a newborn deer.

Oh wait.

And Now, A Grown Man Stuck In A Playground Structure.

The internet is awesome for two reasons: 1) all the cat stuff, and 2) this picture.

Happy Hump Day, folks! You’re welcome.

Oh, You Didn’t Vote? Tell Me More About How You Mattered Today.

As the election results start rolling in, let’s give a moment of silence to those who didn’t care to vote – for let it be known that their political opinions over the next 4 years mean NOTHING. You don’t vote, you don’t get to bitch.

Tell ’em Willy.

 

There Might Be A “Boy Meets World” Spinoff And I Don’t Know How I Feel About It.

The folks at Disney are thinking about relaunching the Boy Meets World series but with Corey and Topanga’s daughter as the star of the show calling it, Girl Meets World. Entertainment Weekly has the story:

That scream you heard over the weekend was the collective sound of all 16-to-34-year-olds realizing that their favorite ‘90s dramedy, Boy Meets World, is in talks for a spinoff on the Disney channel.

 

Michael Jacobs, the original creator, signed a pilot deal, EW has confirmed. Girl Meets World would center around a teen girl, and Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel may return as her parents, as was initially reported by TVLine. Fishel even sent out this cryptic/encouraging tweet over the weekend, “Just want you guys to know that @BenSavage and I have talked and we’ve decided…Thanksgiving is going to be delicious this year!”

 

If they return to reprise their roles, this is a great idea. The junior high episodes of Boy Meets World are nearly 20 years old (!), so while the show has held up remarkably well, it’s high time the plots were revisited. The program was so fantastic because not only was it hilarious (Underpants!) but it also dealt with serious stuff, like death and abandonment. I’m curious to see how Disney – which did not air the show originally, despite showing it in reruns for years – will cover the more difficult topics, or if themes will be cleaned-up a bit for the mouse. I hope not. I remember the melancholy of some the episodes — especially Shawn’s issues — being particularly realistic and it gave the show its unique voice.

 

Many fans will wonder why a spinoff isn’t just the original gang, ten years later. While I would theoretically love a reunion show about late-twenties-aged Cory, Shawn, Eric, Topanga and all the rest figuring out love and life — Hey! That sounds like all other shows on TV! — the opportunity Disney has here to revamp what was a beloved classic for millennials may be a more sustainable way to go. After a few episodes of checking in with everyone in their new adult lives, I’m just going to be wishing we were all back at John Adams High, dressing up as girls or cutting our hair in the bathroom sink. Switching to a girl’s perspective provides a nice change to middle school issues, and this way, we’ll all get to see Cory as an awkward dad, something he’s been prepping for since he was about 13.

 

Rebooting the show so there is a new kid, but Cory and Topanga are still around as parents, would leave the door open for cameos by our favorite friends — I think we all need to know how Mr. Plays With Squirrels wound up — but would also allow the show to become its own program, as much as possible. In fact, I’m cautiously optimistic that this whole reboot might be pretty fun. The junior high and high school episodes were the best of the show; it might be exciting to explore that all again, with a 2012 twist.

 

As long as Mr. Feeny is their daughter’s teacher. Some things you don’t mess with.

 

Umm.

Okay? Awesome? Why?

I’m not sure I trust the Disney Channel in terms of curating high quality kids entertainment (movies, on the other hand, are a different story). Mainly because their shows are a load of glitzy crap where the costume designers and makeup artists are clearly paid more than the writers and camera crew. Boy Meets World and the rest of the TGIF shows are flat out masterpieces of teenage (and then some) television. Corey and Topanga never gave a shit about what they wore because what they were saying and doing were the bread and butter of the show. I’m extremely hesitant to trust the same quality will be given to any type of spinoff.

And yet, THIS IS AWESOME. If the original cast comes back, it’s like the heavens are singing and our bodies have figured out a way to make farts smell like flowers.

Regardless of what happens, I’m going to remain confused about this Girl Meets World thing and make these faces when people start talking about it.

Someone Was Carrying On The Amy Winehouse Halloween Tradition In The UK.

So this happened.

Oh bugger.

On another note, apparently the UK has a “Depressing Kid Stuff” section of the newspaper.

This Is Why I Will Never Live In Australia. Ever.

Brace yourselves. If you hate spiders or anything else that’s abominable to the earth and makes you scream like a 7-year old girl when trying to smash it with a shoe (but not a good shoe), 10 tissues, or a giant wad of toilet paper, then you would never survive as an Aussie.

Case in point, you might find one of these guys chillin’ on your back door.

. . .

 

. . .

 

. . .

 

. . .

WHATTHEFUCK.

I think I just…I might have fainted briefly. And now I think it’s watching me and tucked under my desk.

Do Aussies deal with these kind of mutant beasts on a regular basis? Because if that’s the case, I might need to rethink the whole “Hey, I’d love to go to Australia before I die” thing. Unless that IS how I would end up dying. In Australia. Eaten by a giant mutant spider.

As a typical American, I have no choice but to assume living in the land from down under is terrifying, all the time. Am I wrong here? Their beaches, they look so…beautiful. And Hugh Jackman, he’s really hot and awesome. Plus, Finding Nemo is a great movie and they swam through a ton of shit just to get to Sydney. Is there a good enough silver lining? Time will tell.

But that SPIDER IS ATROCIOUS.