Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013!

Today is New Year’s Eve, the last full day of 2012. The time when everyone devotes a few paragraphs to tell the Facebook world how awesome or terrible the last 12 months have been, and that 2013 is going to be so much better SO HELP ME GOD. Good for you, I can’t wait to see how much greater your dinners will turn out and how big your baby gets. Wait, humans grow? No fucking way, dude. Dats cool.

Anyway, I’d like to take my own few words to tell you readers how much I love and adore you. I can’t believe you landed on this page and are reading these words. Poop. You just read poop. Thank you for reading and I hope to keep you coming back for more in 2013!

For this next year, I wish you good health, happiness, and all the sweater onesies in the world.

 

A very Happy New Year to everyone!

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The More You Already Know #37

It’s time for another edition of [booming voice]”The More You Already Know”[/booming voice].

Our good friend Captain Obvious is back to give us a good reminder of shit we already should be aware of.

Tell something obvious, Capt. O!

This edition of TMYAK is brought to you by those tricksters at Bosch. They want to break down the proper way of installing wiper blades.

Now pay attention, this can get a little wordy.

HOLY FUCK.

So simple! So foolproof! It’s like these instructions were made by God himself.

I just really appreciate the fact that there’s clearly picture instructions following the one-two punch written ones. Bosch. You brilliant sons of bitches.

 

And that concludes this edition of [booming voice]”The More You Already Know”[/booming voice].

That Looks About Right.

It goes without saying that most people – mainly guys – would love this man’s job.

But let’s be real, he’s the only guy who LOOKS exactly like he would have this job.

It’s the ‘stache. And the Hawaiian shirt.

Hey Bill! How’s the wife? Oh…right.

Soooo, how are those child support payments going?

Something Naughty, Something Nice.

Merry Christmahanakwanzika!

Hey! The world didn’t end! Isn’t that super exciting??! We’re still here! This only means one thing: John Cusack and the Mayans are dirty little tricksters with whore mouths. Clearly.

Now that that’s behind us (as if it was really ever a worry), let’s take a look at two disturbing – one less disturbing – holiday centric…things.

First, a Christmas angel.

. . . . .

I’m not going to…I can’t even….Virgin Mary? Nope. Not gonna go there.

 

And now, the Gummie-Bear Centipede.

Delicious, no?

You want to feel disgusting, but you’re a little turned on, too. Or hungry. It’s just too bad the green ones have to be half of this.

 

And you’re welcome.

Happy Holidays everyone!

#WhatShouldWeCallIt – End of the World Edition

What all the doomsday preppers imagine will happen when it’s midnight Mayan time.

What they’ll actually look like at 12:01AM.

The Real Reason Why The Mayans Didn’t Finish Their Calendar.

Fuck civilization. When you’re offered booze, you take the booze.

My guess is the Mayans missed the inclusion of leap years and daylight savings when someone distracted them with the discovery of margaritas and beer kegs.

On that note, how ridiculous is this end of the world talk? We might as well have this discussion at the end of each calendar year, because that’s literally all the Mayan hoopla is about.

But if that doesn’t ease your impending doom mentality, think of it this way: there’s no way John Cusack (2012) would be the one to save the world. He’s far too panicky, so this whole conversation is moot. Talk to me on any Fourth of July and I’ll tell you, “Shit, aliens. But we’re good because Will Smith exists.”

Fortunately for us, Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhaal aren’t in any immediate danger right now, because Friday just so happens to be…DUN DUN DUNNNN!

Instagram, THE HORROR!

There’s been a slight uproar over the fact that Instagram has taken the liberty to allow itself to use any pictures uploaded to its site, regardless if users are okay with it and without paying them.

There are plenty of obvious arguments against this new policy, especially in terms of celebrity photos. If someone posts a picture of a celebrity on Instagram, can they use this to promote a product as though the celebrity is endorsing it? That would be a dick move.

But when you really reflect on the purpose of Instagram, doesn’t it just seem a little ridiculous how angry people are over this?

Ohmigod – Your casually-taken iPhone photo is being used by a major media company without you seeing any compensation for it??! WELCOME TO THE MUTHAFUCKING INTERNET.

Social media is a public outlet and you’re already choosing to share your pictures on it. If you’re pissed about not getting paid, check out some of the bloggers on HuffingtonPost and HelloGiggles and see if they get paid for their work. Look at the massive popularity of Reddit.com. It’s called exposure – that’s also a photography term, didn’t you know? The fact that you already think your vintage filtered picture of tonight’s dinner will be used by Instagram is pretty goddamn pretentious.

Maybe I’m way off base here, I’m not on Instagram, after all. I have no desire to be on Instagram. I constantly forget to upload pictures to Facebook. This past Halloween? It happened, but there’s no evidence of it on Facebook. All my friends I’d want to share those pictures with were there with me, so what’s the point?

I don’t understand people who feel the need to publicly share filtered pictures on the internet on an every day basis. Unless, of course, you are a professional photographer, in which case I’m sure you have your own site, a fancy camera, and despise people who post on Instagram with their app filters.

In conclusion, calm the fuck down. It’s what your inner attention whore always wanted. And if it’s not, just…don’t use Instagram. It’s really not that difficult of a concept. The end.

The More You Already Know.

Today’s lesson comes from Captain Obvious.

Hey Cap’n! Step on up here and introduce yourself.

Panel border??! SO TRUE. You are blowing my mind already. So what obvious common sense of the day are you bringing us this fine Monday?

YOU AMAZE ME.

 

And this concludes today’s segment of The More You Already Know by Captain Obvious.

Poetry Is Not Dead – At Least, Not In This Bathroom Stall.

I’m glad to learn that the art of haiku-ing still lives on.

And from a Cee Lo Green pop song, no less!

What have we learned from this fine, if not slightly vomit-inducing, public restroom display of poetry? That perhaps the right haiku could make you a millionaire with a #1 hit song? That you should always equip yourself with a Sharpie when using a public bathroom? That “haiku” should become the new form of television censorship for “fuck you”? (Get on this TBS/TNT)

Or, perhaps, it’s that haikus help stimulate regular bowel movements.

Regardless, I’m glad these disgusting stalls are keeping poetry alive. I’m sure Shakespeare started very similarly, carving sonnets into outhouse walls.

How do I love thee? Let me count my balls.

Yep, probably just like that.

This Elf Probably Wants You To See His Jingle Bells.

Let’s figure out what this is showing us.

  • A giant elf dick.
  • Ice cream scooper.
  • Vacuum cleaner extension piece.
  • Leg warmer displayer.
  • Let’s be honest, it’s his dick.
  • Fa la la la!
  • Wait, it’s his arm?
  • (…….)
  • Definitely still think it’s his massive elf penis.

You know what this means, right? Spoiler alert:  This what we’re all getting this Christmas.