12 Ways To Take Advantage Of Today’s Numerical Power of 12.

It’s 12/12/12 so that means it’s more possible to do whatever you want in life today than any other day. It’s a very different day, today. Very, very different.

Things to try today because they require numerical magic:

1. Sneeze with your eyes open.

2. Lick your elbow.

3. Ride a unicorn.

4. Take a graduate class at Hogwarts.

5. Use above class skills to rid the world of Twilight.

6. Find Britney Spears, give her a hug, and train her to dance again.

7. Learn how to fly by flapping your arms.

8. Have sex with Ryan Gosling.

9. Merge into traffic like you’re in a bumper car.

10. Punch Christina Aguilera in her left boob.

11. Cancel all the Kardashian shows from E!

12. Win the lottery. TELL NO ONE.

Life is short, isn’t that what they say? I think it’s average height, nearing tall. I also believe in this.

GTFO, Meggings.

Hi.

Apparently, meggings is a becoming a thing now. If you can’t figure out what “meggings” means, you have no imagination and I’m super jealous of you right now. It’s not a pretty picture. Let me show you, not tell.

. . .

. . . .

. . . . .

Dear God, NO. Who is to blame for this bullshit? Lil Wayne? Justin Beiber? Russell Brand? Hipsters? Are we still saying hipsters? Ugh.

Leggings and jeggings are bad enough on many women, so why – WHY FASHION GODS?!?!111 – would you want to squeeze some man meat into them?

Fellas, hear me. Please. This is the most unmanly look, on par with what you think of when seeing a girl with a mustache. Unless you are an 80’s rock star, you have no right wearing these abominations. And if you do wear them, we’re all going to know how small your penis is. Just sayin’.

So unless you’re this guy,

Don’t wear meggings. Or say meggings. Else some good samaritan punches you in the gonads to teach you your lesson.

Forever 21 Is A Pain In My Ass.

Something is definitely wrong with fashion when I don’t have to go to Goodwill or Salvation Army to find an ugly sweater for an ugly sweater party.

When I realized I didn’t have an ugly sweater to wear to the traditional holiday party, the first store I thought of within walking distance of my office building was Forever 21 (or XXI Forever – ugh.). And sure enough, as I browsed their online selection of sweaters I found plenty to choose from for an ugly sweater party. I had my eyes on this winner:

It’s a giant fucking cat face and nothing could be more perfect! And so I took a stroll down Market St. to find this giant fucking cat face sweater at Forever 21. Then I made the mistake of assuming this would be an easy sweater to find, because Forever 21 – no matter which store you’re in – is horrible and I hate it. Though about 30% of their selection can be awesome and generally wearable (and affordable), never do I feel more like I’m buying into a trend than when I’m in a Forever 21 store. It doesn’t help that I’m about 5-10 years older than any of the other shoppers around me.

After about 10 minutes of no giant fucking cat face sweater spottings, I took no shame in walking up to a sales associate and asking, “Excuse me, but where can I find a black sweater with a giant cat face on it?” I didn’t have the heart to tell this girl I needed it for an ugly sweater party. She probably hates herself for working there, as is – no need to reinforce the fact that a majority of these clothes all super suck.

Product number and another lap around the arbitrary layout of Forever 21 later, and we came up short. Newsflash, Forever 21: if your own employee can’t find a GIANT FUCKING CAT FACE SWEATER in your store, something is wrong. And, apparently, there were 3 of them hanging out in there, somewhere. Probably in the laser light room. It would make sense for Forever 21 to have a laser light room, don’t cha think? Right by the disco ball room, below the hookah lounge. Nothing makes sense, so might as well make this store worth the travel.

In conclusion, I didn’t get a giant fucking cat face sweater, but I did find something worthy of a second place – and the subject of cats remains relevant. Plus it was cheaper than the giant fucking cat face sweater, so I can spend more money on booze for the ugly sweater party. Who says things don’t work out for the best?

If I Were A Cat…

This is what I would do all day long.

Because it’s not as amusing to others when I do it as a human.

 

^ Me.

Assholery Or Awesomery?

Yes, I made both those words up, but they felt good.

Anyway, was someone a little desperate to fill their quota today?

Let’s forget the fact that I believe this car belongs to a Who from Whoville. Clearly that car is buried deep, and the angel on my right shoulder keeps whispering some bullshit in my ear about how it would have been nice if the officer removed more of the snow – you know, to make the obvious statement of, “I CAN STILL SEE YOUR CAR, BRO.” But instead they dug in there juuuust enough so the car’s owner not only has to pay the ticket but they also have to remove all that fucking snow.

I don’t know whether this is a dick move or a brilliant show of public service.

Either way, I want to joyfully jump on the hood of that car while singing “Fah who foraze, dah who foraze, welcome Christmas come this way!”

This Exists, In Canada.

Well, at least they have universal health care because this is going to make everyone throw the fuck up and chop off their noses.

It’s hard enough imagining trying to eat Pizza Hut these days, no matter how amazing Aaron Rodgers looks in those goddamn commercials. Granted, if Rodgers really does love Pizza Hut as much as his sweet, sweet acting in those ads seem to lead on, then I will take 100 of these little bottles and bathe in their juices.

Yep. I just said juices.

Excuse me while I just –

Claw Nails: How Do We Make This Trend Stop?

LADIES. No.

These are my top five questions for any self-respecting female sporting claw nails:

1. What the fuck?

2. Are you serious?

3. Why does your hand look like it came from the limb of an eagle?

4. Do you type with your elbows or your knuckles?

5. How many times a day do you stab yourself? (I hope thirteen.)

I think Rihanna and Lady Gaga are to blame for this atrocious trend (and, sad to say, Adele). Though I presume the two real trendsetters were:

The Wicked Witch of the West

And Lord Voldemort.

Just…make it stop. Take them off. TAKE THEM OFF.

‘Burbs And The City: 10 Distinct Differences Between The Burbs & The City

Carrie Bradshaw was specifically a NYC gal and loathed the idea of suburbia. She’s certainly not alone in this way of life – some people love the bustling of people on the street side while others love the bustling of trees on the median in the road. It’s just a simple matter of taste – you either love city living, or the thought of living in a city of millions irritates the shit out of you.

But no one talks much about the people who live in the ‘burbs and work in the city. These people, myself included, are experiencing a bit of both, and I think there are pros and cons to living in either environment. But that being said, when you work with a bunch of people who live in the city and you’re from the ‘burbs, you suddenly starting feeling like you’re not speaking their language.

From my experience of living in the East Bay and working in San Francisco, there are a few instances that have left me feeling curious, confused, and crotchety (alliteration!). And what better way to express myself than with the facial expressions of Parks & Recreation‘s Ben Wyatt? Thus, here are 10 reasons why I’m looking at you city folk mid-conversation like:

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1.  Street names – I DON’T KNOW THEM. When I politely ask you where you live in the city and you tell me your cross streets, I’m just like –

 

2.  I know SF is split into neighborhoods, but when you say Richmond, I’m thinking murder.

 

3.  I get it – YOU LOVE GOING OUT TO EAT. No, I probably won’t ever get around to eating there, because I’ll be too busy munching on my Sara Lee, self-made, very plain turkey sandwich.

 

4.  I ride BART everyday. No, I don’t need your sympathies because I have a BART buddy – it’s name is Game of Thrones.

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5.  I can play volleyball (poorly) in my backyard – YOU MAD, BRO?

 

6.  I’m sure you’re going to that bluegrass, underground-now-mainstream concert event thing this weekend in Golden Gate Park, right? Thought so. I’ll be at home, doing my thang.

 

7.  What’s it like to get drunk and be able to call a taxi for a ride home? Pretty sure us ‘burb buddies draw straws for a DD. That 20 minute drive home on the freeway can get pretty nasty.

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8.  You own a scooter, right? Awesome! No, I definitely can’t drive any kind of scooter around unless I wanted to face certain death on the freeways full of diesel fueled SUVs.

 

9.  If you really want a true summer that’s balls out hot as hell, come on over to my neck of the woods and see how your light cardigan fares as we take turns sticking our faces in the freezer.

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10.  There are no naked men in the East Bay, therefore there are no laws being written about whether public penises should be pantsed.

 

BONUS!

11.  You might have dozens of movies set in your city, but us Concordians have Tom Hanks. TOM FUCKIN HANKS.