Do Canadians Know Acronyms?

I only ask because…

The way I see it, there are three possible scenarios regarding the above:

1. She has no clue, eh?

2. Her husband got this for her and took advantage of the fact that their son’s name is Burt Jockstrap (it’s a fair guess).

3. She is clearly good at going Downsview on her husband’s Sebring.

Nonetheless, she’s got to be a valued customer and probably PTA president. Or at least an intern, right Bill?

bill clinton binders

That was so two months ago, Bill. But you should try Downsview Chrysler in Ontario.

We Get It, Nicholas Sparks.

If you mixed up the titles with all the book covers, they would be no different. Oh, except for one.

THE NOTEBOOK. Because Ryan Gosling, muthafuckas.

Anyone else think they could totally do Sparks’ job? All you have to do is think of some sad situation that a guy has gone through, then introduce said guy to a wavy-haired girl who lives in the fucking boonies and make them fall in love after an accidental sequence of events, then BAM! One of them dies. Or not and they make out in the rain.

It’s really not that difficult. Us women are far too easy to please in the romantic department. Just look at the success of Twilight or 50 Shades. I think Mr. Sparks needs a writing challenge, and I’m here to give it to him.

Let’s see him write a story based off the following picture.

Do it.

Imagine, For A Second, That You’re On The Receiving End Of This Text.

That’s Leo DiCaprio at the Golden Globes after-party. On his phone. Doing something.

For a fleeting second, I checked my phone. That was depressing, and not my finest moment.

Regardless, we all know he’s talking to his BFF/soulmate/lifelonglove Kate Winslet and rightfully bitching about his loss in the Best Supporting Actor category. Though he did get beat out by his co-star, the wonderful and deserving Christoph Waltz.

I’m sure Kate is giving him brilliant British words of wisdom that include such things as “piss,” “codswallop,” and “right fit about it.” These aren’t stereotypes. I read Harry Potter, ya know.

It’s alright, Leo. If you ever need to talk or anything, just PM this blog and I will make out with your face. Amiright ladies?

The 16 Best Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Moments From The Golden Globes

Say hi to Kate for me.

Also, how awesome were the Golden Globes last night? My two favorite moments from my two make-believe best friends who hosted the show can be summed up with these two gifs.

The 16 Best Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Moments From The Golden Globes

The 16 Best Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Moments From The Golden Globes

I think Tina reads my blog.

She doesn’t, but if she did – I WOULD DIE.

This Is Why Girls Hate Being Single.

Sometimes the internet just nails it.

Take note, fellas. Most of you have absolutely no creepy-eye stare filter. Because of this, you really fucking freak us out and are the reason 98% of women carry pepper spray in a fake tampon case.

You just make it way too obvious when you’re having an internal private conversation with your privates. I can imagine that conversation goes something like, “LOOK AT THEM TITTIES.”

Just know that if women had any kind of special powers for this type of common situation, it’d probably be something like this.

Take dat.

Oscar the Grouch: Award Snubs I’m Feeling Pissy About.

This is one of my favorite times of the year. Oscar season. Where all the A-list celebs sell themselves to the Academy in a desperate attempt to win a golden statue. It’s also when the best movies show themselves and I scramble to watch as many as I can so I’m able to formulate my own opinion when the winners are announced. This usually results in a delighted applause or a constant screaming of, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”

This morning Oscar nominations were announced and there are few Fuck Yous I’d like to take up with the members of the Academy regarding the big award nods.

1. Katharine Bigelow not nominated for Best Director for Zero Dark Thirty. FUCK YOU.

2. Leonardo DiCaprio not nominated for Best Supporting Actor in Django Unchained. FUCK YOU.

3. Christoph Waltz was nominated under Best Supporting Actor for Django – and was amazing in it – but should’ve been recognized as Lead Actor (though probably wouldn’t have been nominated in that category) – thus further twisting the knife from #2. FUCK. YOU.

4. Sam muthafuckin’ Jackson not nominated for Best Supporting Actor in Django but Alan Arkin was for Argo. WHAT THE FUCK YOU.

5. Ben Affleck not nominated for Best Director for Argo. GODDAMMITFUCKYOU.

Hey, other than that the list looks pretty great and I’m all jazzed to watch the big show this year. Lincoln racked up plenty of deserving nominations and Silver Linings Playbook (one of my favorites of the year) got a lot of love from the old farts in the board room. Good work, Harvey Weinstein! Now get out from under that table, you crazy son of a bitch.

10 Weird Food Products That Exist In This World.

I’m pretty sure Asian countries have absolutely no grasp on the English language.

But then we wouldn’t be blessed with these amazing pieces of crap. Do you think they know what they’re doing in their marketing meetings, or is the other side of the world just THAT much different?

Regardless, here are 10 food & beverage products that actually exist, with my own invented tag lines. Because why not?

“Made with real crystal meth!”

 

“Disappointing Bachelorette parties worldwide!”

 

“They’ll slip right out!”

 

“They’ll keep you coming back for more!”

 

“Best when consumed with Creme Betweens.”

 

“The official cookie of the YMCA.”

 

“Goes down refreshingly smooth!” (Unfortunately banned in some states)

 

“For when she needs to shut the fuck up.”

 

“Organically made.”

 

“There’s chicken in it!”

 

In other news, I’ve now added Asia as a must-see continent on my bucket list.

Hi Taylor Swift, It’s Singlehood – Let’s Be Friends?

Here’s a piece of news you could give a shit about: Taylor Swift is apparently not in a relationship, right this second.

Okay, maybe she’s with someone right this second – but I swear to God she wasn’t last night.

Anyway, this is my half-hearted plea – NAY, my challenge – for Taylor Swift to remain single for 2013. And I only say this because I imagine Taylor must have some kind of celebrity man-list that she keeps inside her guitar and now she’s plotting her next musical muse, like so.

It’s even her favorite shade of lipstick.

Here’s the thing, I really don’t think Taylor’s a bad person. She seems like a decent role model for the young ‘uns these days (am I 70-years old now?) and she’s got that cute girl, “it’s cool to wear dresses past your knees!” vibe going that I never had when I was in high school. No, I had Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and a whored up Jessica Simpson shoving their perfect fucking abs in my face. Fuck your perfect fucking abs, Britney! Wait…I don’t mean that. I love you, Brit. I miss you, come back to us. What was I talking about?

Taylor. You suffer from Relationship Relapse. You always, always seem to want a guy around to be in love with and curl your hair for.

This is my message to you.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone, but you know what’s more important than finding the right guy? Finding your right self. Oh yea…I’m going there.

What’s up with Taylor? What does Taylor like? What’s Taylor’s guilty pleasure television show? DO STUFF BY YOURSELF. Go see a movie, rent a movie, watch a television series at home with just a box of Oreos. It’s way too much fun, I tell ya. Sure, you feel kinda sick afterwards, but that’s what the giant jug of milk is for! Goes down smooth and does a body good.

Taylor, I’m going to confide something that you may not be aware of. It’s just for you and me, a fun gal secret. Ready? ‘Kay. Here goes.

There are other songs you can write other than break up songs.

FUCKIN A, right? Put away your Adele albums, it’s just not fair for you. Time to acquaint yourself with Destiny’s Child. Or just become friends with Beyonce. She knows what’s up.

Here’s a list of songs to get you started:

1. “Independent Women” – Destiny’s Child

2. “Man, I Feel Like A Woman” – Shania Twain

3. “Wannabe” – Spice Girls

4. “This One’s For The Girls” – Martina McBride

5. “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” – Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin (how can you go wrong?)

6. “I’m Every Woman” – Chaka Khan

7. “U.N.I.T.Y.” – Queen Latifah

8. “Bug-A-Boo” – Destiny’s Child

9. “So What” – Pink

10. “Single Ladies” – Beyonce (just all Beyonce songs, in general, really.)

So there you have it, Tay. Time to get out there on your own and live it up. Leave the boys alone, there’s plenty of them out there. Do you, whatever that may be (which I imagine is running in a meadow and making a headband out of daisies). Stop chasing famous penis and hang out with your girlfriends or your pal Justin Beiber, which is the same thing really. 

Regardless, I’m sure you’ll end up writing some kind of fun, catchy girl power song that I will want to hate but can’t help humming at work. So fuck you, in advance.

Buck up, Tay! Put your bright red lipstick back on and write about some self love. While you’re alone on a boat.

Ten bucks says her next album is called “Flying Ray.” Any takers?

Lori Beth Denberg Says You’re Making Her Uncomfortable.

Like all children of the 90’s, I watched and believed everything Nickelodeon told me. Of course, this was back when Nick was prime real estate and all their shows were great. There wasn’t any half hour where you’d be like, “Let’s see what else is on.” NO. Nick in the 90’s was pure gold and I’m pretty sure it’s decent into crappy television is why the world goes to war. But I digress.

All That was the SNL for 90’s kids. It was where current SNL member Kenan Thompson came from and where Amanda Bynes should’ve stayed, as a little girl who read me letters from her bedroom. So that sounds creepy now that I just thought about it, but it’s okay because I’m a girl and these inklings are allowed. Besides, “Ask Ashley” was awesome.

The other sweet, sweet part of All That was the glory of Lori Beth Denberg and her uncanny ability to give advice on the most serious of topics. Like so.

Indeed. INDEED. Also, love your Mr. Feeny shirt and vest combo. It’s very becoming and super authoritative. The 90’s were full of buttoned up layers and pit stains. It’s lovely that the style has come screaming back.

Onto another topic of relevance, New Year’s resolutions! I don’t have one, do you? Maybe mine will be to come up with a New Year’s resolution, but I’m not going to pressure myself too much. Perhaps in July it’ll come to me.

Most often, this time of the year people are pushing themselves to lose pounds and get in shape. You might be looking into gym memberships, or maybe you’re trying to actually USE your gym membership. Either way, there are other ways to lose that spare tire and feel good about yourself. Here’s one now!

All you need is some exercise and self-loathing! It’s the one-two punch to creating an awesome and better looking YOU.

Lastly, these fountains were made by the devil.

That’s all.

Nerd Alert! What Really Happened At The Council Of Elrond in “Lord of the Rings.”

I can’t stop giggling.

I also can’t stop watching it. And I kinda want a banana now, too.

It’s just…it’s perfect. Enjoy this, and enjoy life more from this point in time forward. And just know that you will always, ALWAYS have myyy axe.

 

Also, anyone see The Hobbit? It’s fucking fantastic. God I love Middle Earth. Tolkien, you sly son of a bitch.

News That Doesn’t Matter: What Will Kim and Kanye’s Baby Look Like?

It seems as though Kanye hasn’t just gotten into Kim’s closet and tore shit up. Apparently, he also got all up in her uterus and it’s growing some sort of spawn now.

Firstly, I’d like to offer my congratulations – I hope the baby comes out healthy and isn’t nearly as arrogant as its parents. But let’s be honest, that child is literally made of the two most annoying people in entertainment.

That being said, there are a few ways this could work out. Let’s go over some as if we care/know who these two lovebirds are!

1.  If it’s a girl and she gets Kim’s ginormous ass and Kanye’s musicality.

 

2.  If it’s a boy and gets Kim’s sexuality and Kanye’s douchebaggery.

 

3.  If it’s twins.

 

Well, crap.

Let’s hope Ryan Gosling makes 10 babies to offset the tough times ahead.

Ryan Godsling