Here’s a piece of news you could give a shit about: Taylor Swift is apparently not in a relationship, right this second.
Okay, maybe she’s with someone right this second – but I swear to God she wasn’t last night.
Anyway, this is my half-hearted plea – NAY, my challenge – for Taylor Swift to remain single for 2013. And I only say this because I imagine Taylor must have some kind of celebrity man-list that she keeps inside her guitar and now she’s plotting her next musical muse, like so.
It’s even her favorite shade of lipstick.
Here’s the thing, I really don’t think Taylor’s a bad person. She seems like a decent role model for the young ‘uns these days (am I 70-years old now?) and she’s got that cute girl, “it’s cool to wear dresses past your knees!” vibe going that I never had when I was in high school. No, I had Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and a whored up Jessica Simpson shoving their perfect fucking abs in my face. Fuck your perfect fucking abs, Britney! Wait…I don’t mean that. I love you, Brit. I miss you, come back to us. What was I talking about?
Taylor. You suffer from Relationship Relapse. You always, always seem to want a guy around to be in love with and curl your hair for.
This is my message to you.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone, but you know what’s more important than finding the right guy? Finding your right self. Oh yea…I’m going there.
What’s up with Taylor? What does Taylor like? What’s Taylor’s guilty pleasure television show? DO STUFF BY YOURSELF. Go see a movie, rent a movie, watch a television series at home with just a box of Oreos. It’s way too much fun, I tell ya. Sure, you feel kinda sick afterwards, but that’s what the giant jug of milk is for! Goes down smooth and does a body good.
Taylor, I’m going to confide something that you may not be aware of. It’s just for you and me, a fun gal secret. Ready? ‘Kay. Here goes.
There are other songs you can write other than break up songs.
FUCKIN A, right? Put away your Adele albums, it’s just not fair for you. Time to acquaint yourself with Destiny’s Child. Or just become friends with Beyonce. She knows what’s up.
Here’s a list of songs to get you started:
1. “Independent Women” – Destiny’s Child
2. “Man, I Feel Like A Woman” – Shania Twain
3. “Wannabe” – Spice Girls
4. “This One’s For The Girls” – Martina McBride
5. “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” – Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin (how can you go wrong?)
6. “I’m Every Woman” – Chaka Khan
7. “U.N.I.T.Y.” – Queen Latifah
8. “Bug-A-Boo” – Destiny’s Child
9. “So What” – Pink
10. “Single Ladies” – Beyonce (just all Beyonce songs, in general, really.)
So there you have it, Tay. Time to get out there on your own and live it up. Leave the boys alone, there’s plenty of them out there. Do you, whatever that may be (which I imagine is running in a meadow and making a headband out of daisies). Stop chasing famous penis and hang out with your girlfriends or your pal Justin Beiber, which is the same thing really.
Regardless, I’m sure you’ll end up writing some kind of fun, catchy girl power song that I will want to hate but can’t help humming at work. So fuck you, in advance.
Buck up, Tay! Put your bright red lipstick back on and write about some self love. While you’re alone on a boat.
Ten bucks says her next album is called “Flying Ray.” Any takers?