“New Girl” Officially Wins For The Best Usage Of My Name.

When I was just a wee little girl, I used to wish for another Sharon to miraculously appear in my classes. I had a distinct goal: I wanted to write my last name’s first initial on all my papers. “Sharon K.” mothafuckas.

I’m sure for all the Megan’s, Katie’s, Jessica’s, and Sarah’s of the world, this was a huge pain in the ass – constantly having to write Megan R. or Jessica P. on the top right corner of your giant third grade construction paper. But for me, I wanted it bad. One time I went through with it and my teacher specifically told me, “Sweetheart, you’re the only Sharon, you don’t need to write your last initial.” GODDAMMIT WOMAN. So I slapped her with my tiny hand, stood up on her desk, and shouted, “FOR SPARTA!

Alright that didn’t happen, but I was pretty bummed.

Perhaps it was my competitive side, wanting to be the greatest Sharon of all, or maybe it was because I thoroughly enjoy the letter “K”. Whatever it was, I realize now how cool it is to be the only Sharon. And by that, I mean the only Sharon of my generation, because I’m pretty sure all other Sharons are at least 40-50 years older than me. The first Sharon I ever met was my older brother’s middle school English teacher. The most recent Sharon I came across was a cashier in the photo area of my local CVS Pharmacy. We’re quite rare. And old.

My parents spotted the name Sharon from the Bible, “the Rose of Sharon,” which basically means Jesus, sooooo…what of it? No biggie.

However, Jesus got one-upped last night (and I mean that in the most non-threatening, no-lightening-striking-my-head way possible) during an episode of New Girl when we all learned what Nick Miller named his family jewels.

YOU NAMED YOUR TESTICLES, AND THEY'RE BOTH NAMED "SHARON". | Generated image from gifs generated with the Imgflip Animated GIF Generator

GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I got two – count ’em TWO – balls named after me. And they just so happen to belong to Nick fucking Miller, who I may or may not have had sexual-ish dreams about. (Hi Mom.)

After all those years of wanting another Sharon, I got two of them. And they’re around my same age. Ahem, excuse me while I just –

Sharon K.

Thanks, New Girl. And thank YOU, Nick Miller.

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