I have had an epiphany.
Usually, all one needs to do is meet Kevin Bacon in order to know every celebrity on the planet. But there are a lot of celebrities in this world, many of whom I don’t exactly care to rub elbows with. So think of Kevin Bacon as the celebrity lottery guy and you have 10 famous folks in your head that you’d really, REALLY want to meet, but because he knows everyone you might get stuck with Angelina Jolie, and she’ll force you to bottle your blood and lick her Malaysian child before you’re able to shake her hand.
So in an effort to avoid the likes of Angelina Jolie, it’s recently come to my attention – after an unashamedly long time spent Googling celebrity names – that Bradley Cooper is my ticket to meeting all the famous people I’d want to split a lunch tab with (as long as lunch is at Subway).
Let me first start off by saying, it’s Bradley Cooper, so I’m pretty fucking excited about this prospect.
Second, do you think he’d let me call him Coop? Like in The OC? Maybe? Probably not.
Let’s kick this list off, shall we?
1. Ryan Gosling
I don’t know why I’m not between them right now.
2. Wet Hot American Summer cast
All of them. I would know ALL OF THEM. Amy Poehler (which would lead to a best friendship with Rashida Jones and Tina Fey, of course), Paul Rudd, Ken Marino, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Ian Black, Molly Shannon – the list goes on! I’d be killing so many birds with one Coop.
3. These guys.
This picture happened and I don’t know why I’m not being held sideways by them. REDO.
4. Jennifer Aniston
They used to date (Whaaaaaaaaa?) but now they’re friends and I must be their third. My cheek would totally fit here, pressed on the other side of Coop’s face.
5. Ryan Gosling
That’s right. TWICE.
6. Jennifer Lawrence
If you have to ask, then you don’t know me at all and weren’t aware that I’m actively stalking her (on the internet) until we become best friends.
7. No Shirt Party with Leo DiCaprio
JESUS CHRIST. It’s pretty obvious in this picture that Leo is disappointed I’m not there.
8. Ben Affleck AND Emma Stone
Are you fucking kidding me? Bradley Cooper – CALL ME.
9. Robert Downey Jr.
LET ME IN TO YOUR CLUB.
10. Ryan Gosling
I understand they didn’t take this picture together but it doesn’t fucking matter. And yes, THRICE.
So it’s pretty clear that Bradley Cooper is the new Kevin Bacon of my life, and I hope we bump into each other on the outskirts of town and are like, “Oh hey, cool shoes!” and he’s like, “Aren’t you that magnificently gifted blogger?” And then we become friends and trade off hosting game nights with ALL OF THE ABOVE.
And everything will be stripping games. For the men. Because, feminism.