13 Products With Discreet Names.

I’m being sarcastic. These names are dirty and whorish.

Anytime I see such hilariously named products, I feel like brand marketing isn’t such a hard career to chase. Because I’m pretty sure all these items below were named by drunk college kids who haven’t picked their major yet.

Side note: Thirteen is my favorite number. It’s notorious for being unlucky and creepy and therefore I’ve taken it under my wing and have been raising its self-esteem since I was in 4th grade.

Here are 13 of the most fucked up products I Googled today. (Because what else is Google here for?)

baby fingering product

For white babies, which makes sense because all the pedophiles in the world are caucasian men. This is science.

black kid's computer desk

It seems that affirmative action shit might be working. Keep those black kids in school, Target!


I am sickened with myself that I want to try one. Are they hairy? Might be a dealbreaker.


That’s the longest nipple I’ve ever seen outside of a National Geographic.


That Minnow Shot part is a real fucking buzzkill.


This is perfect marketing. I salute you, Watson.


This should come in a gift bag with the Hand Job gloves.

Pedo packaging

WHITE BABIES OF COURSE. But by the look on those babies’ faces, no one is being taken advantage of.

princess leia statue box


mr bean


Jane Seymour’s other line of jewelry. Don’t try to be romantic and sophisticated, Jane. WE’VE ALL SEEN YOUR BOOBS. Kitty Cat.

pussi food

Look at those whore eyes.


Let’s just call it what it is. Truth in marketing.


While I love the rhyming, this totally makes me want to projectile vomit.

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