Quiet Sneezers Are Incredibly Disappointing.

Let me just get something out of the way before proceeding into today top story.

I’m pretty psyched that my blog has officially been viewed over 10,000 times. Like, really psyched – I went out and bought a boat and named it Steve. You don’t see a lot of Steve boats out on the water. (Kinda sounds like steamboat, right? Exactly.)

Anyway, I’m incredibly grateful to everyone who has ever visited my blog, whether that’s once in all or 20 times a day (thanks Mom). The point is –


Seriously. I don’t. But I know I love jotting down ideas, wandering the internet, and staring blankly at the empty “Add New Post” window searching my brain for something stupid and weird and amazing to post. I always say, if you can’t make YOU laugh, then you should just kill yourself. Or something along those lines. I love writing this blog everyday and I thoroughly entertain me. So if I’m able to entertain 10,000+ more people, then that is a great success in my book.

In other news, what the hell is it with quiet sneezers?


As I was on my way home the other day on the train, I was sitting by the aisle next to this perfectly decent woman who was minding her own business, reading her iPad, and listening to music. Just the way I like my fellow commuter: a multitasker and a non-talker. Though sometimes I wonder how people can listen to music AND read at the same time. When I put on music, I’m usually singing along in my head or imagining a very detailed Grammy/’90s VMA performance where I’m nominated in all categories (a first in history) and I win everything (a first in history). You know it’s a good year for me when I win all the major Male categories whilst being a proud owner of a vagina.

Regardless, this multitasking woman suddenly needed to sneeze. We all know what it’s like when your nose needs to hurl. It’s like an uncomfortable constipation happening in your sinuses. So she covered her iPad because, yea, let’s protect. There’s no snot warranty (or is there?). I was preparing myself for a total jolt in the seat when she bent forward toward the window and gave the most unimpressive pussy sneeze. It was just a tiny little thing. All that build up for nothing.

I was about ready to ask her, “Are you fucking serious with that shit?” when she gave another super disappointing head nod of a sneeze.

I just don’t get it. I’m not asking for snot rockets here, but quiet sneezers baffle me. Granted, I’m sure there’s something genetic going on, but come on. My sneezes literally convulse my body. I know when a sneeze is coming because my arms rear up, becoming something of a kraken, and I lose all ability to control them. Once the sneeze is out, they just spin around me. Luckily, I’ve been able to start controlling my right arm, or at least at the elbow, so it covers my face. Nothing is more disgusting and inconsiderate than someone who sneezes out as if they’re watering the lawn.

Most people might prefer quiet sneezers, but I don’t. When I sneeze, it feels damn good. My arms, my face – they’re in it together. Even those people who give that retched scream before sneezing seem to really get the most of it. Sure, it may stimulate a few heart attacks from innocent bystanders, and maybe a variety of “WTF was that?” looks from folks, but screw it! You let it all out, Obnoxious Sneezers! Just don’t sneeze more than twice. You gotta get your shit together after two.

I’m assuming my selective sneezing nature comes from the fact that mine feel like this great exclamation point. Sometimes it’ll take a whole day to get the damn thing out, constantly looking up into lights and confusing people around you as they think you’re chasing some other kind of light. But once my nose decides it’s time, I go out with a bang. So when I watch people sneeze in such a wee manner, I wonder if they’re always disappointed with themselves, or if their nose is sad. I know their arms are, they don’t get to do anything.

Mine, however, get to do this when I sneeze.

kermit the frog flail

Ah, it hurts so good.

2 thoughts on “Quiet Sneezers Are Incredibly Disappointing.

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