Happy Galentine’s Day! The 5 Best Femaleships in Hollywood.

It’s the day before Valentine’s Day, which means today the female race is prepping either for depression or excitement. I’m sure no matter what the emotion is, we’ll all read about it on Facebook with accompanying pictures of flowers, candies, or single-lady wine.

So let’s hold off preparing for the onslaught of attention seekers and take some time to celebrate us ladies! I don’t give a shit if you have a boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, booty call, nobody, or an animal lover (just don’t EVER tell me), today is about breasties before testies, ovaries before brovaries, uteruses before duderuses.

In light of the best day ever, I’m counting down the five greatest female friendships in Hollywoodland, according to yours truly. That’s me! (Because it’s the only opinion that matters on this blog.)

LET’S KICK IT.

5. Oprah Winfrey & Gayle King

image source: people.com

I mean, duh. They aren’t number one because these two ladies are such a mainstay over the past five billion years that it’s just not fair to the rest of the famous females to give them the top spot. But rest assured, there’s always a reserved space for Oprah and her King.

4. Tiffani Thiessen & Jennie Garth

image source: usmagazine.com

Can you believe Kelly Kapowski/Valerie Malone and Kelly Taylor are real life BFFs?? This is a match made in ’90s heaven! The Kellys may have been mortal enemies on 90210, but they’ve been gal pals since Kelly 1 started on set with Kelly 2. They just make me feel so old and wonderful, my childhood is just squealing with glee inside!

3. Nicole Kidman & Naomi Watts

image source: theworldofcelebrity.com

THESE TWO. They’re like Winnie the Pooh and Piglet, but only in height. N-squared met and best-friended each other before becoming two of the most talented and refined actresses in the fucking world. My GAWD – can you imagine being a gigantic acting heavyweight with your BFF? I bet they play Barbies together using their award statues they’ve racked up between them.

2. Jennifer Aniston & Courtney Cox

image source: huffingtonpost.com

This best friendship is literally a dream come true. The fact that Rachel Green and Monica Geller are real life BFFs simply makes life better and unicorns exist. They both went through very public divorces/breakups and are still individually hugely successful. They’re just like, Ohh heyyyy, we’re hangin’ out in Cabo being massively talented old co-stars together and still humungous celebrities of television and movies. NO BIG DEAL. And you know what they say: friends who vacation together, stay together. Unless you’re Taylor Swift.

1. Amy Poehler & Tina Fey

image source: tressugar.com

LET’S BE A TRIPOD GODDAMMIT. Was it really much of a surprise I’d have them at the top spot? Knope. ‘Nuff said.

image source: tumblr.com

“Use The Meth, Luke.”

So it seems that Obi-Wan was full of shit and the Force doesn’t exist.

The real magic here? Meth.

image source: reddit.com

It kinda makes sense, right? Let’s go with it and see how Star Wars would’ve been different had Lucas told us the truth about this so-called metaphysical and ubiquitous power that’s really just a fucking acid trip.

“The Meth is strong with this one.”

“May the Meth be with you.”

“The Meth will be with you, always.”

“Strong I am with the Meth, but not that strong.” (Yoda clearly couldn’t handle himself.)

“There is a great disturbance in the Meth.”

“A Jedi’s strength flows from the Meth.”

“You must feel the Meth around you.”

“The Meth is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet.” (Honestly, that seems like a waste of drug money.)

“The Meth runs strong in my family.”

“May the Meth be with us.”

Now that Disney owns the rights to Star Wars, and since Disney can be pretty creepy and enjoys hiding dirty things in their movies, maybe when Star Wars VII comes out we’ll finally see what really goes on in the galaxy far, far away.

I mean, for all we know Han Solo is really just a guy named Chuck Trampenstramp, trippin’ out in his closet imagining this entire universe. How else can one explain the idea of Yoda?

It’s Official: Justin Timberlake Is The Love Child Of Bruno Mars & Ryan Seacrest.

Hey, JT.

Now, I’m only saying this out of love but, Bruno Mars called and wants his 2012 Grammy performance back.

Justin Timberlake is trying the doo-wop, throwback thing. You know, the thing Bruno Mars has been do for the past few years now. Which really only means that JT is trying really, really hard to extinguish the fact that he was a member of NSYNC.

Hey. IT HAPPENED. Don’t deny it, Justin. In fact, we love you even more for it. Take a lesson from your new BFF Beyonce and the way she adores her DC3 gal pals.

Anyway, I’m sure some people think he looks sexy and hot like this, but no. You’re trying too hard and now you look like Ryan Seacrest.

Even his bow tie is sad.

Look, at some point in Justin’s massively successful solo career, he’s going to have to accept the fact that he was in NSYNC and he should be damn proud of it. Embrace the history, JT. There’s no escaping it and people are going to want a reunion sooner or later. (This I Promise You, J. *winkface*)

DON’T BE A DICK, DUDE.

Also, I dig your music, and your comedic chops, and your “serious” acting side (HAHAHA). But do you, man. Because you’re pretty fucking good at it.

Sounds Like New England Is Gonna Have No Problem Finding Nemo.

Who names a giant storm Nemo? I think it’s safe to say, we all attribute the name “Nemo” with a precious little handicapped clown fish who scared the shit out of us as we watched – captivated – while his dad and Ellen Degeneres went through hell to find him. Basically, it’s one of Pixar’s best and has no negative connotation in life, at all.

So maybe the weather guys were tracking this crazy blizzard and said, “Hey! This is a super shitty storm coming, so let’s try to lessen the blow and veto naming it Cujo. What’s a cuter?” BOOM. Nemo.

Apparently Boston is getting the brunt of this storm, as if the Pats losing twice in the Superbowl to the NY Giants wasn’t enough for them. But hey, the Bruins are doing well!

Since my boyfriend is originally from Boston and a huge amount of his family is still up in those parts, I’d like to send my thoughts and warm wishes (seriously, it’s fucking cold there) to all of them while they muscle through little, precious, crippled Nemo.

 

10 Reasons Why I Need To Be Friends With Bradley Cooper.

I have had an epiphany.

Usually, all one needs to do is meet Kevin Bacon in order to know every celebrity on the planet. But there are a lot of celebrities in this world, many of whom I don’t exactly care to rub elbows with. So think of Kevin Bacon as the celebrity lottery guy and you have 10 famous folks in your head that you’d really, REALLY want to meet, but because he knows everyone you might get stuck with Angelina Jolie, and she’ll force you to bottle your blood and lick her Malaysian child before you’re able to shake her hand.

So in an effort to avoid the likes of Angelina Jolie, it’s recently come to my attention – after an unashamedly long time spent Googling celebrity names – that Bradley Cooper is my ticket to meeting all the famous people I’d want to split a lunch tab with (as long as lunch is at Subway).

Let me first start off by saying, it’s Bradley Cooper, so I’m pretty fucking excited about this prospect.

Second, do you think he’d let me call him Coop? Like in The OC? Maybe? Probably not.

Let’s kick this list off, shall we?

1. Ryan Gosling

I don’t know why I’m not between them right now.

2. Wet Hot American Summer cast

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All of them. I would know ALL OF THEM. Amy Poehler (which would lead to a best friendship with Rashida Jones and Tina Fey, of course), Paul Rudd, Ken Marino, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Ian Black, Molly Shannon – the list goes on! I’d be killing so many birds with one Coop.

3. These guys.

This picture happened and I don’t know why I’m not being held sideways by them. REDO.

4. Jennifer Aniston

They used to date (Whaaaaaaaaa?) but now they’re friends and I must be their third. My cheek would totally fit here, pressed on the other side of Coop’s face.

5. Ryan Gosling

That’s right. TWICE.

6. Jennifer Lawrence

If you have to ask, then you don’t know me at all and weren’t aware that I’m actively stalking her (on the internet) until we become best friends.

7. No Shirt Party with Leo DiCaprio

JESUS CHRIST. It’s pretty obvious in this picture that Leo is disappointed I’m not there.

8. Ben Affleck AND Emma Stone

Are you fucking kidding me? Bradley Cooper – CALL ME.

9. Robert Downey Jr.

LET ME IN TO YOUR CLUB.

10. Ryan Gosling

I understand they didn’t take this picture together but it doesn’t fucking matter. And yes, THRICE.

So it’s pretty clear that Bradley Cooper is the new Kevin Bacon of my life, and I hope we bump into each other on the outskirts of town and are like, “Oh hey, cool shoes!” and he’s like, “Aren’t you that magnificently gifted blogger?” And then we become friends and trade off hosting game nights with ALL OF THE ABOVE.

And everything will be stripping games. For the men. Because, feminism.

“New Girl” Officially Wins For The Best Usage Of My Name.

When I was just a wee little girl, I used to wish for another Sharon to miraculously appear in my classes. I had a distinct goal: I wanted to write my last name’s first initial on all my papers. “Sharon K.” mothafuckas.

I’m sure for all the Megan’s, Katie’s, Jessica’s, and Sarah’s of the world, this was a huge pain in the ass – constantly having to write Megan R. or Jessica P. on the top right corner of your giant third grade construction paper. But for me, I wanted it bad. One time I went through with it and my teacher specifically told me, “Sweetheart, you’re the only Sharon, you don’t need to write your last initial.” GODDAMMIT WOMAN. So I slapped her with my tiny hand, stood up on her desk, and shouted, “FOR SPARTA!

Alright that didn’t happen, but I was pretty bummed.

Perhaps it was my competitive side, wanting to be the greatest Sharon of all, or maybe it was because I thoroughly enjoy the letter “K”. Whatever it was, I realize now how cool it is to be the only Sharon. And by that, I mean the only Sharon of my generation, because I’m pretty sure all other Sharons are at least 40-50 years older than me. The first Sharon I ever met was my older brother’s middle school English teacher. The most recent Sharon I came across was a cashier in the photo area of my local CVS Pharmacy. We’re quite rare. And old.

My parents spotted the name Sharon from the Bible, “the Rose of Sharon,” which basically means Jesus, sooooo…what of it? No biggie.

However, Jesus got one-upped last night (and I mean that in the most non-threatening, no-lightening-striking-my-head way possible) during an episode of New Girl when we all learned what Nick Miller named his family jewels.

YOU NAMED YOUR TESTICLES, AND THEY'RE BOTH NAMED "SHARON". | Generated image from gifs generated with the Imgflip Animated GIF Generator

GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I got two – count ’em TWO – balls named after me. And they just so happen to belong to Nick fucking Miller, who I may or may not have had sexual-ish dreams about. (Hi Mom.)

After all those years of wanting another Sharon, I got two of them. And they’re around my same age. Ahem, excuse me while I just –

Sharon K.

Thanks, New Girl. And thank YOU, Nick Miller.

It’s Black History Month! Let’s See How People Are Celebrating.

It’s February and that means America and Canada decided to dedicate a whole month to honoring Black History. A whole MONTH. Can you imagine what it was like in the fake meeting room when they created Black History Month?

White Guy 1: “Hey fellas, anyone else still feel bad for the whole slavery thing? We should do something about it.”

White Guy 2: “Super duper idea! Maybe we should give them a month to do black stuff?”

White Guy 3: “That’s a damn good idea. But let’s give them February because I can’t take a whole 30 days.”

In actuality, Black History Month was created in 1976 as an expansion of what was Negro History Week (yea, that’s right – I’m not just a pretty face). Maybe someday the Mexicans will get their own month, too, after all the illegal alien shit is figured out and we aren’t tazing them for mowing our lawns or cleaning our bathrooms. Progress, people! Just keep moving forward.

Regardless of the fact that our black brothers and sisters get the shortest month of the year to celebrate and acknowledge great accomplishments in American history, let’s take a peek at what this fine month has to offer!

Hey, the Mexicans are excited! Or this is a Canadian school and they’ve never seen a Mexican or an African so they just went for it.

This would be more true if it were written on the front. Besides, this shirt just makes me want to invite you over for game night…or basketball? And PS: I have this shirt, too.

Disney is celebrating in typical Disney fashion. Though they’re usually way more subliminal than this.

Too long, guys.

Well this is just straight up peacocking. (GET IT??! NBC…peacock…peacocking…OMFG.)

Of course the Academy would do this. At least they love Denzel.

Exactly, Ms. Parks. Ladies, we can all learn something from this woman.

And finally, let’s bring in God.

There isn’t anything stupid about this picture, I just really love Morgan Freeman.

Black history IS American history, so take this wonderful month of February to keep celebrating the incredible strength and courage of our African American forefathers and foremothers. Plus, Beyonce. So really, it should just be another day – but with way more rhythm, athleticism, and far better dance moves.

5 Reasons Why Beyonce Literally SHUT IT DOWN at the Super Bowl.

In case you were making camp under a rock yesterday, the Super Bowl happened and that means a halftime show was lavishly presented.

Since my Niners lost, I’m going to make myself feel better by providing you with my five favorite moments from Beyonce’s fierce as fuck halftime show. Granted, my only non-favorite part was her ending it all with “Halo”. NO, Bey. You end your shit with uptempo craziness like the rest of your fierce as fuck show, dammit. But I digress.

Let’s not waste another second, Bey ain’t got time for that!

1. Bey entering with her hand on her hip not giving a fuck standing in front of a giant outline of herself, or what could possibly be an Arby’s sign.

The 33 Fiercest Moments From Beyoncé's Halftime Show

But then she was like, HOLD UP. Taco Bell, bitches. It’s about to get muy caliente!

 

2. Then the camera panned out and showed us two unnecessary faces. 

I assumed they were there for 3 reasons:

a) They were symbolic of Beyonce and her alter ego, Sasha Fierce.

b) They were Bey’s security as they anxiously awaited Bane’s inevitable entrance (which didn’t happen, sigh).

c) They were going to eat Beyonce during her finale to then create an all-powerful Beyonce that would rid the world of Jennifer Lopez. I’m really disappointed this one didn’t go down.

 

3. Beyonce likely whipping people’s eyes with her hair.

The 33 Fiercest Moments From Beyoncé's Halftime Show

 

4. DESTINY’S CHILD HAPPENED.

But more importantly, Michelle was launched out on stage in heels, totally calm and cool like it never even happened.

The 33 Fiercest Moments From Beyoncé's Halftime Show

 

5. THIS. This walk right here.

And that hair flip, even though her hair wasn’t anywhere near her face while she walked. IT DIDN’T MATTER DAMMIT.

 

Obviously, then the lights went out in the stadium because Beyonce LITERALLY SHUT SHIT DOWN.

 

Even though the 34 minute blackout was extremely uncomfortable to sit through listening to all the commentators basically saying, “There seems to be a black out, which means the lights aren’t on. I’ve informed the coaches” (THANK GOD FOR YOU), it’s got to be the highlight of Beyonce’s career knowing she shut the power down in half the stadium at the Super Bowl.

The San Francisco 49ers Are Playing in the Super Bowl on Sunday & I Might Have a Heart Attack.

You GUYS.

Joy is exploding from me because it’s all really sinking in. The 49ers are in the Super Bowl, and they might win. I hope they win. IWOULDDIE.

But for now, I’m just going to take a moment to litter my blog with the ‘splosions of excitement that are trying to burst out of my every pore.

So a little of this.

And this.

To be fair, I’m not sure what emotions are being displayed here but it doesn’t fucking matter because Ryan Gosling is in a fucking tank top goddammit.

This, too.

This is weird and horrifying, but it’s literally a perfect animation of how I feel right now. Someone gets me out there.

However, if I’m being completely honest with myself, all of the above are totally false (except Ryan, who is always absurdly right) and THIS…this is how I truly feel.

I’m terrified.

But I’m excited.

I’M SO CONFUSED.

It’s a really, really great problem to have, though.

GO NINERS.