10 Bar Signs To Get You Ready For St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m a huge fan of March 17th. See, I’m a freckle-faced pallid Irish white girl and St. Patrick’s Day is basically my time to shine. Literally…shine. I am PALE. It’s like I have two leg lamps attached to my hips. I don’t need a phone in the dark, I just roll up my sleeves and pants.

Thus, this time of the year makes me feel all warm and cozy because all the beautifully tanned and sun-kissed people of the world can kiss my white ass. Conan O’Brien’s of the world, rejoice! Because all Irish people are super white and slightly sick looking.



Fuck you, Colin Farrell, and you’re ability to be Irish, tan, and smoking hot.

Okay, so Conan and I fulfill the Irish stereotype of being really white and possibly near death, but I’m proud of my freckles and my fair skin. If there is anything Hollywood has taught me, it’s that Aussie Nicole Kidman looks her best with bright red hair and no sun on her body. While I may not have the bright red hair, I have NO SUN ON MY BODY and I’m okay with that.

In honor of my people’s grand holiday coming up on Sunday (shout out to my good friend Megan, who’ll be celebrating her birthday on the 17th and turning 27 and getting SO old even though I’m a year older, but it’s just a technicality), I thought I’d get uber festive and share with you, my good readers (Hi Mom), some fantastic bar signs to get you good and excited for St. Patrick’s Day.











Remember, it’s better to drink than drive, not drink then drive. Grammar, people.


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