10 Bar Signs To Get You Ready For St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m a huge fan of March 17th. See, I’m a freckle-faced pallid Irish white girl and St. Patrick’s Day is basically my time to shine. Literally…shine. I am PALE. It’s like I have two leg lamps attached to my hips. I don’t need a phone in the dark, I just roll up my sleeves and pants.

Thus, this time of the year makes me feel all warm and cozy because all the beautifully tanned and sun-kissed people of the world can kiss my white ass. Conan O’Brien’s of the world, rejoice! Because all Irish people are super white and slightly sick looking.

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GODDAMNIT.

Fuck you, Colin Farrell, and you’re ability to be Irish, tan, and smoking hot.

Okay, so Conan and I fulfill the Irish stereotype of being really white and possibly near death, but I’m proud of my freckles and my fair skin. If there is anything Hollywood has taught me, it’s that Aussie Nicole Kidman looks her best with bright red hair and no sun on her body. While I may not have the bright red hair, I have NO SUN ON MY BODY and I’m okay with that.

In honor of my people’s grand holiday coming up on Sunday (shout out to my good friend Megan, who’ll be celebrating her birthday on the 17th and turning 27 and getting SO old even though I’m a year older, but it’s just a technicality), I thought I’d get uber festive and share with you, my good readers (Hi Mom), some fantastic bar signs to get you good and excited for St. Patrick’s Day.

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decisions

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Funny-Bar-Sign

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Remember, it’s better to drink than drive, not drink then drive. Grammar, people.

 

This Post Is Punderful.

Today I’m trying to get over my disappointment that Ryan Gosling wasn’t anointed as our new Pope. It’s fucking depressing. But I know the perfect way to get over it.

Today is Pi Day, which means – for me – eating pie. Real actual pie. None of this math bullshit.

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I encourage everyone to celebrate this magnificent day in the most scientific and mathematical way possible. By eating pie. Even the Prez is into it.

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But who wouldn’t? It’s PIE.

Anyway, to make myself feel better about this whole Ryan not being Pope fiasco (more like TRAGEDY), I’ve decided pie and puns will ease my pain.

Since I can’t physically eat pie on my blog, here are 7 puns to bandage our depression and try to be happy for the Argentinian Pope Francis I.

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God, I feel SO much better now. No longer feeling popeless.

 

18 Reasons Why Ryan Gosling Should Be The Next Pope.

This is really a no-brainer.

Ryan grew up in a Mormon household, but let’s just ignore that fact and move on. It’s obvious that he’s extremely well equipped for the job and would convert the entire female population of the world to not only attend church, but also instigate the most flourishing women-centric population to ever live in Vatican City. For God, of course.

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JESUS CHRIST.

Is there anything in the recent past that has proven how good God can be than the existence of Ryan Gosling? He’s turned atheists into believers. I can imagine someone who hadn’t really given religion much thought saw Ryan in The Notebook and was like, “Miracles are fucking REAL.” If anyone can turn water into wine, one loaf of bread into millions, and cold loins into burning ones, it’s Ryan Gosling.

Let’s go over 18 reasons why this man would make a perfect pope.

1. He’s so hot.

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2. He can work the hat.

ryan in pope hat

 

 

3. He looks amaaaaaazing in red.

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4. His resume already proves his experience as a leader.

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5. He looks great on a chair.

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6. He can totally pull off pope slippers.

ryan in pope shoes

 

 

7. He loves his mom whose name is Donna. (Ma + Donna = MADONNA THE VIRGIN MARY WHAAAA?!)

 

ryan with his mom

 

8. He knows God forgives.

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9. He’s good with babies and the pope gets thrown babies constantly.

ryan with baby

 

10. He’s non-violent and isn’t afraid to break up a fight in a tank top.

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11. He loves pancake breakfasts.

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12. He knows how to keep a steady job.

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13. He can handle the rain. LET’S PUT HIM THERE.

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14. He could drive his own pope mobile.

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15. Ryan saves.

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16. He looks phenomenal on magazine covers.

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17. He can close one eye WHILE keeping the other one open.

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18. I don’t know what I was talking about anymore.

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I rest my case.

Ryan Godsling

YOLO For Realists.

Fuckin’ YOLO.

It literally makes me angry even typing it, but I saw something that absolutely needed to be shared with the world. THE WORLD. Aka, my bloggership. Aka, my mom. I’m not sure she’ll get it, but I know she’ll read it because she’s my mom and is pretty much proud of everything I do. Even that short stint as a mascot hooker. The woman loves sports, what can I say?

Anyway, prior to the picture I’m about to share, I thought the greatest YOLO reference was by the Lonely Island guys (“You Oughta Look Out”), because – well, I mean it just makes sense.

 

But THIS.

yolo cemetery

This is just perfect.

It would be like a cremation place being called “BRB Cremation”.

It’s so bad, it’s good.

When A Mug Is All You Need.

Well shit, it’s Monday.

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This person is totally workin’ it in this costume and I’d like to know who this is and what their life is like. Preferably  I’d like to have this conversation while they’re flailing about because otherwise, I’m pretty much unimpressed.

Moving on, here’s the most creative product I’ve seen since 5 minutes ago.

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I mean, YES. C’mon. This is genius.

Now I have all my Christmas shopping done, as well as a few birthday presents. And it’s only March.

GODDAMNIT I’M GOOD.

Words To Live By.

Aren’t the folks at Westboro Baptist Church just the worst?

Anytime they’re in the news, I’m just like –

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They’re always complaining about something, which really goes against everything that I cherish about faith. I believe Mark 2:13 says, “The glass is half full, Steve.” Or something like that. It’s nearly a direct quote from Jesus, that much I know.

So on this fine Friday during Lent, let’s all promise to be good to each other, smile more, judge less, and fart loudly in public. There’s nothing more joyful than hearing someone fart, am I right? I personally am not a loud farter – and prefer it that way, I am a LADY, damnit – but when I hear someone else do it, it’s like a unicorn walked into the room and it’s tickling me.

Yes, I’m 27 years old. Farts are funny as hell, get over it.

Also on the list of words to live by, observe.

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Somewhere in the heavens, God is slow clapping. Don’t be alarmed by the thunder.

NOOOOOO! Goodbye, “What Not To Wear”.

I’m going to go cry now.

After 10 seasons of amazing style and personal transformations, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly are closing up shop on “What Not To Wear.” This is massively depressing on so many levels.

First, I’m sure Stacy and Clinton are totally spent. They’re practically glorified therapists and style customer service reps. Can you imagine preaching the same damn rules to nearly 350 people over the course of 10 seasons? SHOOT ME NOW. There’s only so many times I would’ve been able to say, “Dark wash jeans, NOT light wash jeans” or “You’re not fat, you just don’t know what to wear” or “Dresses aren’t the devil’s work!”

Frankly, I’m so impressed with Stacy and Clinton’s patience, and it’s been tested. As someone who has worked in customer service in the great city of Sin, I know what it’s like to hear the same goddamn thing over and over. The bitching, the complaining, the creepy guys asking what I was wearing and if I wanted to meet at the club later that night. That last one was strictly Vegas, but I’m sure Stacey and Clinton still catch my drift. The fact that neither of them ever punched any of their guests square in the fucking face is an incredible accomplishment.

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I started watching WNTW back in 2003. I was at a friend’s house and she had it on while doing some crafty stuff. I was immediately hooked. I was also immediately aware of what I was wearing and the clear fact that I should probably be nominated for the show.

Then I started paying closer attention to what’s in my closet and how I wrongly justified buying shit. Your shirt doesn’t have to fit like a glove to actually fit right. Uniboob is not attractive and doesn’t actually make your rack look bigger. Don’t say it won’t fit, try it the fuck on. Dresses are the bees knees. Highlight your waist and you’re golden. Skinny jeans aren’t always the answer. There’s nothing a good jacket, blazer, or cardigan can’t make look fabulous. The list can go on.

But what I really learned from WNTW was how awful – and I mean truly awful – people dress themselves. Once I felt I had rid my closet of the drab and slowly put together something more fab (or so I’d like to believe), I realized how shitty everyone was dressed, especially in Vegas where women wore dresses 10 times too small for them.

Most women I’d see coming into the clubs looked something like this:

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And then they would approach me to get into the club and I’d be like,

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Nightmares. And PS, ladies: When you wear dresses too short and you’re on your period, it’s obvious when you’re not wearing underwear because WE CAN SEE YOUR WHITE STRING.

I’m going to vomit from the mind searing memories.

The point is, Vegas isn’t exactly the venue where people follow Stacy and Clinton’s rules, but working and living in that city for 2 years was total motivation to throw out any dresses that I can’t comfortably sit in without a cheek vandalizing a chair. I also learned that push up bras aren’t all they’re cracked up to be and can really stretch the girls in ways that aren’t human.

I get it, every female’s main goal when dressing up for a night out is to look sexy, but FUCK THAT NO EXCUSES. In our every day lives, our purpose is to feel strong, confident, and fabulous. WNTW taught me that sexy isn’t an outward appearance. Sure, some chick could have her goods on display and maybe her body is amaaaazing, but if a guy asks what her name is, she could be like, “Whaaaa? OMG! Do you like horses? They eat hay. Monkeys are cute. Where are we right now? OMG that rhymed!”

No, throwing on a short, tight dress doesn’t equal sexy. Sexy is something that exudes from the woman herself, in her self-esteem, her own natural character. This is what WNTW has shown us all the past 10 seasons, as Stacy and Clinton tell all of their guests that they’re amazing, successful, and totally off their fucking rockers. And by the end of each episode, most people don’t know what kind of crack they were on before Stacy and Clinton entered their lives. They look sophisticated, chic, powerful, and sexy – and not one butt cheek or twin peak is out. Besides, even if they decide to throw on a pair of sweats or yoga pants (THEY’RE SO COMFORTABLEEE) for a grocery run, at least they’re a better person for it.

So now that this wonderful and instructional show is leaving TLC, I encourage everyone to buy their DVDs or look out for reruns. You owe it to yourself and to your loved ones who have to walk beside you. Don’t be a selfish, insecure piece of crap. Learn what not to wear.

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Taylor Swift, Shut The Fack Up.

UGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

If you don’t know by now, Taylor Swift was born without a good singing voice AND a sense of humor. This may come as a shock to you since her 2013 Grammy performance would prove otherwise, because why else would she be wearing ANY OF THAT while attempting to sing on key if she didn’t think it was absolutely hilarious?

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HAHAHAHA oh Tay – good one.

But according to her new interview in Vanity Fair that the entire world is now talking about, she didn’t take this dating joke too well at the Golden Globes that my two very good (pretend) friends Tina Fey and Amy Poehler told.

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Taylor’s reaction, as quoted in the VF interview:

You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’

TAYLOR. You dumbfuck. Sorry, I didn’t mean that. Well, I kind of did, but I feel like my (make believe) friends Tina and Amy wouldn’t be pleased by my language on a public site – especially one as HUMUNGOUS as my blog. We are women, we’ve got to stick together, right?

But you’re making it sooooooooooo hard to like you. You know your song “Trouble”? Yea. You are in it, deep. You should go “Back to December” and think about what you’ve said and done. Because you done FUCKED. UP.

Look, it’s just some words and an ill-used quote from some super famous, mega-feminist power woman (Hint: NOT Katie Couric) that I’m sure you don’t understand the real meaning behind it. Do you Google? You should. It’s fantastic and teaches you stuff.

My point to you comes in threefold:

1) Don’t go to an awards show and not expect to be made fun of. You’re a celebrity and you attended a venue made for TV and movie stars, so – firstly – just be glad you were there and nominated. Second, if you take something to heart that two comediennes crack at an awards show where they’re making fun of EVERYONE, then get the fuck out.

2) Don’t mess with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.

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source: buzzfeed.com

amy poehler

source: buzzfeed.com

Just…don’t. But you already did, so get the fuck outta here. Also, introduce yourself to this fabulous little YouTube series created and hosted by my (fake) friend Amy called Smart Girls At The Party. You should join the party after you think about what you’ve done.

3) Take a fucking joke. You’re obviously super sensitive about what has been said about you and your many boyfriends. So much so, that you actually thought that Tina and Amy were insulting you with a great joke. Yet you have no problem writing songs over real life break ups and mimicking Harry Styles’s beautiful and orgasmic British accent while you perform your snobby song, “We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together”. HYPOCRITE. Get the fuck out.

Tay, look – I never outwardly root against anyone (except Angelina Jolie, naturally) and I’d rather not dislike you. You seem mistaken and young and stupid, especially after these recent remarks. But you have a lot of making up to do. Because now my amazing (not in real life) friends Tina and Amy are never going to forget your words and probably won’t take you out for lunch, ever.

It’s showbiz. If you can’t take a joke about yourself, then you’re done. There’s no way anyone can make it in the entertainment industry if you’re taking yourself sooooooooo seriously as an artist. Fuck that, you sing about high school shit and now you’re starting high school drama.

GET. OVER. YOURSELF.

And apologize to my (future) friends Tina and Amy. Immediately.

Side note: Anyone else want Tina and Amy to make a guest appearance on SNL to make fun of this interview? Kristen Wiig can come back as Taylor, Amy could be Katie Couric, and Tina could be Tina telling her joke again.

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Lorne Michaels, call me.

Shoe Pants Are A Real Thing.

Are you SOOOOOOOO lazy? Then shoe pants might be your next investment and you’re probably gonna die alone, too.

But if you’re a normal person who doesn’t mind putting on your shoes separate from pulling on your pants, then brace yourself. Because OH DEAR GOD.

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Boot-Pants

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Shoes + Pants = PANTS ATTACHED TO SHOES AS ONE THING.

Pants and socks are acceptable. Onesies are functional and practical, they even offer a little garage door for your bum. But THIS – go fuck yourself, fashion.

What I’d really like to see is any of these people go to a department store and try on some shoes. Oh wait, YOU CAN’T. Because you’re a fucking idiot and wore shoe pants.

How do you sit in shoe pants? There can’t be any give in the ass region. See how none of these people are fully sitting? They’re just on the edge of the seat – or in Heidi Klum’s case, waking up on a bench from a long night out and holding in her pee – because they physically cannot sit down, or else their ass will be on complete display for being a fucking idiot and wearing shoe pants.

Seriously, these are not functional. And how DARE you Converse! I trusted you, Chuck. Go home, you’re clearly drunk.

Everyone just go home and think about what the world has come to. Forget world peace, shoe pants needs the U.N.’s attention so we can all throw them in a giant pit and bomb the fuck out of them. Unless we’re all too lazy to put our pants and shoes on separately to walk out the door.

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Badly Placed Monday Meme.

I have found a new favorite meme.

But I feel as though I should precede it with an ill placed, real life picture – just to emote a really good reaction from you, my dear reader.

So without further adieu, let’s jump right in to the good stuff.

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I think my favorite part of this is the “Progressive” flyer just making it into the shot. Nice touch.

And on that note, time for my new favorite meme, badly placed.

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Let’s just assume this sphinx is a lady, and a terrible one at that, wearing non-waterproof mascara. Weaksauce.

I’m pretty impressed she can keep her eyes open the whole time, but she’s seriously getting it everywhere and I’m not cleaning up.