Guess What? It’s Gonna Be May.

It’s the last day of April, and if NSYNC has taught me anything in life, it’s that the month of May will be a doozy.

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Love, you guys. May is the true month of love. Because NSYNC live action Ken dolls told us so, and millennial pop music never lies.

I don’t know why Justin Timberlake had such an infatuation with the month of May, but he did, and he’s made me a big fan of the month.

First, it sounds a little like “me,” and I dig that. It’s your own month. The month of –

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Second, Iron Man 3, bitches.

May kicks off summer movie season, and just typing that out made me pee a little.

Big blockbuster movies are getting ready to blow our minds (or not, sometimes summer movies totally suck ass – I’m looking at you, Transformers 2 & 3). And there are those little summer indie movies that are like the lemonade to your juicy blockbuster burger. Yessssssssssss. Goddammit, YES.

But this month of –

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…will be exceptionally amazing for one very distinct and specific reason.

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Thanks, IGN.com.

April 30th could not get over faster.

Justin, an outro, if you please.

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There Is No Reason For This.

Two words: SKID MARKS.

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If you have this toilet, I hate you.

WHY IS THERE EVEN A LID?

Mondays are terrible.

This Is The Greatest Thing You’ll See All Day.

Just try not to feel happy after seeing this picture.

You will fail. Sweet, sweet failure.

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OH. EM. GEE.

Join me as I –

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Why Today Is The Perfect Date.

Because Miss Congeniality said so. That’s fucking why.

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San Francisco might have something to say about that, but pish posh – I never question anything that Sandra Bullock puts her name on. She’s one of the most lovely people in the world, or so her interviews have led me to believe. Besides, nothing Sandy’s done has ever beenĀ as bad as Twilight, so let’s get some perspective here, folks.

Plus, Ryan Reynolds totally loves her and there’s no way he could be wrong with those abs.

Thus, today is the perfect date. Enjoy.

The Spices Were Easy To Find.

Some stores make you search for hours, but this one really shoots it to you straight.

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Not bad for under two pounds.

Keep it up, Brits. You’re doing great.

If You Use “Chu” Instead Of “You” – I Will Cut Chu.

Unless you’re sneezing, because that’s all I hear when someone says “chu.”

But let me bring it back – bring it, bring it, bring it back.

As I’m driving toward public transit this morning, I start soulfully and accurately singing along to Rihanna’s “Stay.” It’s a beautiful song, if I do say so myself, and unfairly catchy. Then as the chorus comes around, I start really getting into it.

Not really sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move.

Makes me feel like I can’t live without chu –

And then I heard it. I heard myself say it. I said “chu.” WHAT THE FUCK IS CHU??? Urban Dictionary, if you please.

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Look, Rudizzle said it, not me. Granted, it didn’t sound that weird coming from Rihanna, but that’s probably because I’m super Irish and, thus, super uber caucasian. I can’t do “chu,” you guys. It’s not in the cards for me.

It got me thinking why thisĀ pronunciation of the good ‘ol, nothing wrong with it at all word “you” has shifted to “chu.” Imagine if Adele’s cry-tastic ballad “Someone Like You” was Rihannafied.

Never mind I’ll find someone like chuuuuuuu-ooooooo

Fuck that.

Would it be so bad if Rihanna said “you” instead? Why – why “chu”? IT’S NOT CORRECT.

Imagine Whitney Houston’s brilliant rendition of “I Will Always Love You”. I haven’t even typed it out and you know it’s going to be fucking awful as shit.

And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Will always looooove CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Nope.

So I wonder what all the infatuation is around this spin on “you.” Is it not good enough for chu anymore, Rihanna? Or is the guy you keep singing about named Chu? Because then I will take it all back. Just for chu.

Really, I blame Steven Tyler for all of this. He let one goddamn “chu” slip out in “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” and I can’t. stop. hearing it. For years, in that bit just before the last chorus:

I just wanna be with you, right here with chu – just like this.

This is why Bruce Willis died, Steven. Bruce never dies in action films, he’s John fucking McClane. But Michael Bay blew him up because you fucked it up.

I’d really love for people to stop saying “chu.” It’s not real, and if Webster’s caves and puts this as a synonym for “you,” I’m going to kill Steven Tyler, Rihanna, shake Adele’s hand, and then off myself.

A world where people aren’t using pronouns properly is a world I don’t want to live in.

Once You Go Black…

It’s Earth Day, humans.

Today we celebrate this great planet, the only one that really matters. Except maybe Mars since we’re super interested in it. And probably Jupiter, because it’s fucking huge. And let’s not forget Saturn with it’s awesome rings and shit. And Venus! We can see Venus, that’s fucking cool. Not to mention Mercury, which braves the closest distance to the Sun. We’re definitely never building life on you, Mercury. Though I wouldn’t mind calling Uranus home. (IT WILL NEVER GET OLD.)

And the Sun is really neat. It burns me a lot, but it’s ginormous and fiery and stuff.

Let’s give some love to the Universe!

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HAHAHAHA. Pluto.

On this day that we devote to loving our planet Earth more so than usual, let’s backtrack to something that’s really no good for her, whatsoever.

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I’m done here.

Go Home, Beyonce. You’re Drunk.

You really needed to do this?

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You, Miss Queen Bey, of all artists in the entertainment industry, never, EVER needed to wear sparkly nipples on an iceskating costume while working your divaness on stage. Leave this type of nonsense for Lady Gaga, Nicki Ninaj, or Michelle Kwan.

And don’t even get me started on the shitty anatomical nature of those nips. The right one is literally trying to drag itself off of that horrendous outfit.

C’mon, Mrs. Carter. You are far too classy for this piece of crap. I think you’ve let Sascha Fierce go too far. What would Beyonce think?

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Exactly.

I dare you to sing “Halo” or “Single Ladies” or “Who Run The World” in that silly fucking costume.

Nope. Not taking you seriously.

 

3 Reasons To Feel Good About Today.

It’s almost Friday, guys. For most people, that means a bit of freedom and a break from the normal 9-5 ish week.

For those of you in customer service, it means life is going to start sucking real soon.

Either way, it’s Thursday, there’s two – TWO – episodes of Parks & Recreation on tonight, and I’ve got three other reasons for you to feel goddamn proud of yourself.

First up, you’re not this guy.

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Look at him, just laying in a pool of irony and dirt. But as I look longer at this picture, it seems to me the car merely needed a nap, and that IS driving carefully, no?

Second, you’re not these people.

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To be fair, black people don’t really high five, do they?

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Who knows, maybe they just came back from a group bathroom outing because the stadium dogs didn’t sit well and there wasn’t anymore toilet paper so they had to break it off caveman style. Really, they’re just being super courteous by not making any high five contact. Or maybe it’s like a Star Wars “using the Force” high five.

Or they’re fucking stupid.

Lastly, you’re not Ryan Seacrest.

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Hey, at least this kid could actually make contact in his high five. NO EXCUSES WHITE PEOPLE.

 

There now, don’t you feel better?

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Fuckin’ right.

 

Beware Of Sexual Predator Dog.

This is the greatest thing in the world. Like, giggling for hours type stuff.

It’s also completely believable.

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OH MY GOD.

It’s looking at me. Well, its left eye is, at least. The right one is probably scanning for additional prey.

The pink collar is seriously freaking me out, though.

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