Gandhi once said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” And really, what’s the point of having a blog if I’m not moving mountains five times a week? That’s why today, my post is dedicated to doing some good.
I hate crop tops. With the burning passion of a stripper with herpes. And “Pour Some Sugar On Me” is about to come on, so it’s showtime.
I want to know why the fashion gods are super fucking lazy right now and continue to cut shirts off before their prime. There are many decent shirt designs in this world, but for some godawful reason, people chose to just…stop. Midway, if we’re lucky.
Let’s go to Figure 1 for an example.
I like that the model on the right is providing us with the mystery of whether or not she has an innie or an outtie belly button.
And now for Figure 2, the Celebrity example.
Here, Katy Perry and Selena Gomez are teaching me how to make my sports bras more universal in my wardrobe. And, also, that my favorite color green has a truly awful shade in its palette.
And finally, Figure 3 – the Average
Whore Girl example.
JESUS CHRIST. Look, this shirt is only allowed in horror movies on some no-name actress who ran up into the attic after the killer slashed through the front door, accidentally (but totally on purpose) slicing her shirt perfectly into an ab revealing arc. In about five seconds, she dies – and you feel kinda good about it because she’s a fucking idiot.
Yes, girls. I CAN SEE YOUR STOMACH. Or at least part of it. What of it? I don’t understand what you want from me. I don’t have a penis, so it’s probably not me you want to impress, but it seems you workout your rib cage, so good for you. You look stupid.
It’s because of fashion choices like the ones above where I wish we had random skank inspections, much like fire drills. A time when Joan Rivers might spontaneously show up to class, work, or maybe a movie theater and tell everyone to stand up because she’s going to start giving out skank slips. I imagine the girl in Figure 3 would get the highest of tickets, forcing her to choose either 1) going topless, because she’s already halfway there, so no big, or 2) wearing a pregnant belly the rest of the day, because it’s the only shape that that shirt is really cut for.
You just know when you see a girl wearing a crop top that she had been planning it for a long time, exercising super hard and eating barely a crumb. She wants to be camera ready, and she’s going to Facebook Side Pose the shit out of it when the time comes. It’s like bikini season, except they aren’t in extreme heat or near water, which makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.
The change I’d like to make in this world? Normal length shirts. Keep the sports bras at the gym and the belly bearing for pools, beaches, and the Britney Spears YouTube page.
Personally, I’m leading by example and wearing a one piece dress today. Fucking rebel without a cause, right here.
PS: Can we just take a second to appreciate the fact that I blended Gandhi and crop tops in a single, flowing blog post? KABOOM.