I Have A Thing For Jennifers & Emmas.

There is only one Amy, Tina, and Britney in my life. That much I know. It’s easy to keep those ones straight and love them unconditionally.

But for the rest of my list of lady loves, things tend to seem redundant. By that, I mean they’re literally all Jennifers or Emmas.

Ladies, just know that I love you each individually, for reasons special to you and me. Don’t let the envy consume you, there’s plenty Sharon to go ’round. I know this probably keeps you up at night, wondering which Jennifer or Emma I adore most, and you blank out during your award speeches forgetting to thank me – but I forgive you, because that’s what real life friends do.

Onward. First, the Jennifers.

Jennifer Lawrence

source: perezhilton.com

source: perezhilton.com

Obviously. My BFF also goes by Miri, if you didn’t know. Which you don’t, because you aren’t us. I can’t wait for more Catching Fire trailers to come out and see “Academy Award Winner” in front of Jen’s name. I will shit a gold brick and cry glitter.

Jennifer Garner

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source: tumblr.com

Years ago, I watched Jen on a late night show and she brought pictures from her high school band days. I was totally in band, too, Jen. AND I ALSO PLAYED THE ALTO SAX – WHAT??! She’s married to a great Bostonian, Ben Affleck, and I’m gearing up to marry my own Bostonian, Mike Tomasik. Both of their last names end in “k”. So really, Jen and I go way back.

Jennifer Aniston

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source: tumblr.com

The ridiculous love I feel for Jen Aniston is unmoving. I will defend her against anything. Go ahead, try me. COME AT ME, BRUH. She’s an old friend, or an older sister, or that really amazing young aunt you’ve always wanted. Whatever it may be, I love her as my own.

Jennifer Coolidge

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

The actual weird fucking aunt I’ve always wanted. The one who gives life to holidays because you only go to those family parties to see her, how much she’ll drink, and all the crazy things that come out of her mouth. I just…I want to know her sooooo badly.

Jennifer Hudson

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

If I could have an older sister, I would really, really want it to be Jen. My high school experience would probably have been way better if Jen was there to tell me bitches ain’t shit. Even now, she would keep me in line and give me advice on clothes and food. Jen, sing me a song as I sit on your lap – mkay?

And now, the Emmas.

Emma Stone

source: ign.com

source: ign.com

My reflection. I’m pretty sure we must have shared a fetus somewhere in the past. Perhaps I was 3 years premature, or she was just 3 years late. Regardless, we probably share some DNA because our teeth are the exact same. ISWEARTOGOD. Plus, our voices mushed together make a normal pitched voice, with her baritone and my high-pitched, 4-year old tone. Peas in a fucking pod.

Emma Watson

source: perezhilton.com

source: perezhilton.com

Total. Girl crush. I want her to have all the success in the world because I want to be able to stare at her perfect face forever. I fully understand how creepy that sounds, but it’s also the truth. She’s just so goddamn pretty. Plus, she’s well spoken – duh, British. She’s pleasing to the eyes and ears. I’m just really grateful she’s living in this world. Period.

Emma Thompson

source: rpgifsforthemun.tumblr.com

source: rpgifsforthemun.tumblr.com

She could be my British mother if she wants. I have no qualms about it. See? I’m already using better language just from the thought. Doesn’t she seem like the kind of woman you’d love to go out and have a drink with? I want to get her good and drunk and tell me British stories. Emma Watson can be there to moderate, since they’re Potter pals.

Emma Geller-Green

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

DAMN STRAIGHT. She’s literally only on here because Jen Aniston sort of gave birth to her, and now the name Emma will always have a connection to Friends. So jealous.

Emmy Rossum

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

I cheated, fuck off. Close enough, though, right? Besides, this gorgeous woman deserves more attention in the world. She can be this beautiful songstress, and then flip the switch and be a badass on Shameless. She’s my style icon and I want to rip her hair off and sew it onto my head.

Where’s That Silly Geico Camel At?

It’s hump day, mofos, and I can’t get enough of this commercial.

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It’s like, the older I get, the more easily amused I become. Fart jokes? EVEN FUNNIER NOW.

So today, I’m feeling gooooooood.

How good? THIS good.

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I’m totally doing it, too. But you don’t see me.

Probably for the best.

And Now, A Picture Of Badass Women.

Tina, Amy – make some room. I’m coming in.

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Also, please let me in your club. PLEASE.

Do I need to do something weird to Lorne Michaels? Because I will. Unless you didn’t, then I won’t.

But if you did…

Who’s Got The Cheez-It Snack Crackers?

As I was eating my amazing homemade burrito at lunch today, of which I made last night from all the groceries we picked up yesterday, shit dawned on me.

I realize more and more as I get older, I could really kick ass at Supermarket Sweep.

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I can also rock the shit out of a crew neck sweatshirt and a polo. I can’t be in yellow though, I’d totally wash out on television.

In an age where fast food and grocery delivery has sucked all the fun out of pushing a shopping cart, isn’t it insane that grocery shopping used to be cool and exciting? I loved Supermarket Sweep. Even watching The Price Is Right, one had to have a good knowledge of supermarket trends and pricing.

In fact, when I was a PYT, I used to pretend I was a grocery checker. Yup. I would use a piece of lined paper and draw a big red square on it as my scanner. Then I’d take all the canned goods I could find in the house, along with chips, cereal boxes, water bottles, and sodas, and I’d set them up on our dining room table. Then I’d ring ’em up and make that amaaaaaazing BEEP sound. Fuckin’ magic, you guys. I’d stack it all up nice in some bags, hand it to my mom, and then do it all over again. It’s a pity we didn’t own a conveyor belt.

One summer in college, I had a part time job at The Body Shop and got to really use a scanner. ZOMGGGGGG.

Even today, you know those price check scanners in Target, Walmart, and anywhere else? I go BEEP that stuff. I know it’s $9.99, but I get high off that ish. And don’t even get me started on the joys of Self Checkout. SWEET LASERS OF GOD.

The message behind this ridiculous yet touching backstory? I can’t wait for history to repeat itself.

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This One Time, On Jeopardy, Someone Totally Drew A Penis.

And it wasn’t Sean Connery.

I understand that makes this slightly less awesome. However, an incredible feat, nonetheless.

John, won’t you skip showering and step forward?

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John, is it? I don’t believe him. Mainly because he’s clearly a Dick. And by Dick, I mean Richard.

But I really admire his effort, especially since he complemented his penis drawing with an ascot and Edgar Allen Poe’s haircut on Jeopardy. It’s as if someone mated a great 19th century writer with a Redditor.

No wonder you’re only at two hundred. Your brain is sooooo confused.

Leslie Knope Would Be So Proud.

San Franciscans can be so clever.

They also must be really small.

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This tiny little sand park cropped up in the Balboa neighborhood of good ‘ol SF. I’m not sure what it does or how it came to be, but none of that matters because it has a hula-hoop and I will hula-hoop everyone’s face off.

Regardless of whether this little park will hold its ground for much longer, one thing can be for certain: somewhere, Leslie Knope is damn proud. It may not have turned out the way that only Leslie Knope could turn a tiny piece of nothing into something –

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but that’s not the point.

Enjoy the little things, and watch Parks & Recreation.

I’m pretty sure those were the only two lessons to be had here.

Harry Potter Hump Day #3

It’s that time again, when only Harry Potter can get you through the rest of the work week.

Allow me to assist you in this fine and reasonable demand.

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Sup Harry Potter funny celebrities pictures

For those who haven’t watched Game of Thrones Season 3 and don’t want to be spoiled – STOP. LOOKING. NOW.

Seriously, stop. Fuck off. Read the books, they’re the shit.

If the above doesn’t apply to you – prepare your mind.

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. . . . .

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SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Now the Freys, Boltons, and Lannisters (save for Tyrion, of course) must really, really, REALLY die. Because Hermione Granger is basically a Stark, and that shit ain’t right.

Just when I thought I was finally getting over the Red Wedding.

GODDAMMIT.

CNN Continues To Be The Source Of Important Breaking News.

Hold the fucking phone.

This is serious, you guys.

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Kinda want to punch this guy in the face.

It’s as if my breakfast over the past 28 years has been a total lie. I put my trust in Quaker Oats because I thought they were serious about who they promoted to Cap’n. And, honestly, the crunch seemed very captain-y. Now we’re not so sure? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?

Wait…wait. This just in.

No one fucking cares. The cereal is delicious. CNN totally blows.

And he IS a real captain, sooo…

Find some real news, guys. Reddit can only take you so far.

Gangs Just Aren’t What They Used To Be.

It’s Monday, let’s look at something stupid and weird.

The Bloods aren’t really feelin’ it lately, I guess.

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They could’ve at least tagged it with “POOP” or “SHIT” or “SUSAN”. Because I hear Susan is just awful.

They probably weren’t even dancing and playing it cool, boy, real cool. Ugh, sad. It’s as if the leader of the pack simply said, “Leave me alone, I don’t care about your shit,” so they translated it as such. I think they nailed it.

Now, run for your life, for Christ’s sake.

It’s Friday, So Let’s Look At A Real Life Manicorn.

The weekend is inching closer, but there’s something else I’d like to inch closer.

Like, this face to mine.

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It seems Ryan Gosling still translates as Ryan Gosling, even in Deutschland. That’s right, Ryan Gosling is a universal language, and a beautiful fucking man. An international manicorn of the universe.

Also, I didn’t realize it was possible to see the outlines of a man’s chiseled pectorals under two layers of clothes. Cool bleiben, indeed.

I need to be by myself now.