CNN Continues To Be The Source Of Important Breaking News.

Hold the fucking phone.

This is serious, you guys.

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Kinda want to punch this guy in the face.

It’s as if my breakfast over the past 28 years has been a total lie. I put my trust in Quaker Oats because I thought they were serious about who they promoted to Cap’n. And, honestly, the crunch seemed very captain-y. Now we’re not so sure? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?

Wait…wait. This just in.

No one fucking cares. The cereal is delicious. CNN totally blows.

And he IS a real captain, sooo…

Find some real news, guys. Reddit can only take you so far.

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