Hold the fucking phone.
This is serious, you guys.
It’s as if my breakfast over the past 28 years has been a total lie. I put my trust in Quaker Oats because I thought they were serious about who they promoted to Cap’n. And, honestly, the crunch seemed very captain-y. Now we’re not so sure? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?
Wait…wait. This just in.
No one fucking cares. The cereal is delicious. CNN totally blows.
And he IS a real captain, sooo…
Find some real news, guys. Reddit can only take you so far.