I Want My MTV Back.

It’s been a few days since the 2013 VMAs, a show I didn’t watch but the internet wasted no time in catching me up. The line-up for this year’s show seemed relatively boring to me, and I knew if I really wanted to see NSYNC, I could just wait until the morning.

I used to get really excited for this awards show, it was the pinnacle for me, combining all the bubblegum popstars with all the aggressive and plaid clad rockers. It was the only night where all these musical beings could be under one roof, watching each other, trying to vie for the best showman. Between tightly choreographed routines and smashing guitars, to dancing midgets and Garth Algar (aka, Dana Carvey) playing drums with U2, the VMAs used to be the coolest show on the planet.

But, over the past many years, the MTV VMAs have declined into something incredibly uninspiring. This has been written about before, so I don’t think I’ll find many naysayers after that statement, especially if you were a teenager in the mid- to late- ’90s.

Granted, I wasn’t as in-tuned to the VMAs when they were concepted in 1984, since I was just a mere fetus at that point. But the first VMA I specifically remember watching was in 1997, just after Notorious B.I.G. died, and Puff Daddy, Faith Evans (Biggie’s widow), 112, and Sting performed “I’ll Be Missing You.” It was one for the books, and surprisingly moving. I also recall Fiona Apple winning Best New Artist and telling us all the “world is bullshit,” which I found slightly frightening as a 12-year old.

Besides Puff, my favorite performance in ’97 was Marilyn Manson’s “Beautiful People,” because that song was – nay, is – so badass, and he rocked it, even though his entire schtick made me pee myself a little in terror. Other performers that year included Beck, Jamiroquai, Spice Girls, U2, Jewel, Missy Elliot & Co. (“Ladies’ Night”), and The Wallflowers with Bruce Springsteen. What a smorgasbord, right?

It’s no wonder One Direction won for Song of the Summer this year, what I assume is the new Viewers’ Choice award. That’s the demographic these days. Back in my teenage days, the fan battles might’ve waged between Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Britney, Christina, etc, but there was more than just a bubblegum presence. Much of the time, Eminem, Ludacris, Papa Roach, Limp Bizkit, Outkast, Missy Elliot, P.O.D., Korn, Jay-Z, and Linkin Park would rattle the pop genre’s dominance. TRL was chock full of variety, because MTV related to the prim and proper, as well as the rebellious and weird.

For me, the last great VMA was back in 2000. It featured one of my favorite performances, ever, by Ms. Britney Spears, and seems like the last of its kind.

Just for shits and giggles, let’s compare last Sunday’s list of performers to 13 years ago:

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Hey, MTV. Rap and pop music are not the only genres thriving (and I use “thriving” loosely) in the industry today. Why were we all subject to hearing the songs that are played 50 million times a day on all those “HOT Z100” radio stations?

Now, here’s a list of the 2013 VMA Best Rock Video nominees that weren’t performers (hell, 30 Seconds to Mars won this category and only presented), but should’ve been so that we could’ve had a fucking VARIETY of music played:

Fall Out Boy — “My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)”

Imagine Dragons — “Radioactive”

Mumford & Sons — “I Will Wait”

Vampire Weekend — “Diane Young”

I don’t even know what the fuck that last song is, but just throw a band a fucking bone, MTV. Are the VMAs doing so badly that you can’t afford some decent rock music? Fall Out Boy’s song is pretty epic, and it’s a bit of a comeback for them. They were MTV darlings at one point, give them the stage. Imagine Dragons has had one of the biggest years, commercially, so they should’ve been a no-brainer. Mumford & Sons probably knew better.

I understand JT got the coveted Vanguard award, but did he need all that time? We all know he’s talented and deserves his spot in the industry, so how about letting some other folks shine for a few minutes?

The VMAs used to be the “cool” music show, but now I’d actually rather watch the Grammy’s, because at least I’ll be exposed to more music and genres. I find it sad that the Grammy now shines brighter than the once-great moonman.

All that being said, this whole post might as well be a waste of typing since MTV hasn’t played music videos, or made them a big deal, in yeeeaaaarrrrsssss. Can we actually claim a decade now? Maybe even longer? Thus, the idea of producing a Video Music Award show is fucking stupid on their part. That would be like ABC Family having the AVN Awards – there’s no porn there, so why bother promoting it?

MTV, hear out your public: music videos are still relevant – in fact, in this YouTube generation, they might even be more popular. Bring back the excitement of music video storytelling on your channel, and not just from Gaga, Katy Perry, JT, and Miley, and maybe you’ll successfully be able to reinvent the VMAs.

Until then –

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Hump Day Honesty, From Conan O’Brien.

This might be the most truthful statement on the internet, right now.

Conan is also the greatest human in the world, so it really makes sense.

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NOTE: let us remember that Ryan Gosling is not a human, but a manicorn born out of the Milky Way. So my evaluation that Conan is, indeed, the greatest human being, stands uncontested.

What A Bench.

Call Roger Bucklesby grumpy, or bitchy (or benchy?), or senile as hell, but perhaps he was just plain ‘ol observant.

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What a NAME. That man was full out Bri’ish, no questions asked.

I hope he sang a mean “Chim Chim Cheree” in his day, and walked with a little skip.

I bet he’s hating me right now. From hell.

I’m Just Saying You LOOK Like A Whore, Not That You ARE One…

I’m not going to talk about that person everyone else is talking about, but I WILL point you in this direction – because I totally wrote a blog about her last week. But that’s where I stop, because she’s gotten enough attention and it needs to stop, no matter how much she thinks it won’t stop, or can’t stop.

IT MUST STOP.

On a related note, Dave Chappelle said something funny this one time, and I think it basically goes with the theme of today, don’t you think?

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It’s like Dave is sneaking into this picture full of words, am I right?

I’m right. And he’s right, too.

A Lesson In Humility, By Robert Downey, Jr.

Last night, I made the great life choice to watch the Cornetto Trilogy – Shaun of the DeadHot Fuzz, and The World’s End. All three directed by Edgar Wright and led by Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

It was a delightful five hours of British genius (highly recommended), in which Americans will fantasize about all the things we wish we were. Everything just sounds better in British. If only there was a little BAP feature – much like SAP – where we could make all television and movies suddenly super Bri’ish.

Let’s get back on track, though. The point of this is The World’s End was bloody brilliant (I’m in the zone) and these celebrity endorsements are legit.

Especially RDJ’s.

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It’s just sooooooooooo RDJ.

Sometimes, you know when the PR peeps have created their own pull quotes from celebrities, but this one – indisputably RDJ.

Bobby DJ?

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Ladies, ’90s Fashion Was Only Meant For One Person.

The reemergence of ’90s fashion really kinda bums me out.

By now, you should know very well how I feel about crop tops, but the fact that fashion hasn’t stopped there, and the whole high-waisted, bra-top phenomenon that made the ’90s so wonderfully psychotic is back in full force – who the fuck do I need to judo chop over this?

Remember 5-10 years ago, we all looked back at the ’90s and were like, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOMGGG SO AWFUL!!!! How did we suddenly black out on this very important fashion admission – that ’90s style was uncomfortable and embarrassing – that we’ve subjected society to the SAME. GOD. DAMN. MISTAKES?

I think Fashion – yep, I’m totally personifying it – is such a bastard, and she’s playing a joke on all of us.

Let’s take a look at some of the recent celebrity victims of this ’90s epidemic.

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“That high-waisted, poofy, scrunched up jeans mini skirt looks really great, Rihanna!” – Said no one ever. But I think I could ask her to hold my chapstick in the top of her waistband.

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God, STAHP.

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Katy, WHY? You’re wearing a real-life sports bra, dear. Just grab some spare materials, sew these pieces together, and that’s a funky, awesome dress.

Ladies, there is one – and ONLY one – woman on the face of this planet who can rock the ’90s look with no qualms, ifs, ands, or buts.

Kelly. mothafuckin. Kapowski.

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I rest my case.

When I Attempt To Look Under The Hood Of My Car.

Somehow, I always believe that every time I pop the hood up, it will be different, and I’ll know what the fuck I’m looking at – as if magical mechanics dust will blow up at my face as I lift the hood and all will be illuminated.

But then I just stand there.

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And part of me thinks, What the hell are doing standing in front of a running car, you fucking idiot?

We Should All Strive To Be More Asian.

There’s a reason Asians are so goddamn intelligent and successful and good at math.

This here is for all my crasian friends. Because, sometimes, stereotypes are true.

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“You get helmet when you get ‘A’.”

Look at that hand, steady as a fucking rock.

The Greatest Employee T-Shirt In The World.

Sometimes, business owners can be such shits. Especially when you know the potential of their business, and if they would just reach out there and take a risk, the pay off – well, it’d go viral.

And THIS.

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It’s Pho King good. I’m Pho King serious.

Can You Tell The Difference Between Miley Cyrus And These Dogs?

I’m having some difficulty, guys. I can’t unsee any of this anymore.

As we are all unfortunate enough to know by now, Miley Cyrus can’t seem to keep her tongue inside her mouth for very long – her phase as a self-proclaimed punk rocker will hopefully be even shorter – and it dawned on me how much she resembled one of those funny looking dogs whose tongue just…hangs out there. All the time.

Their eyes also face outward, it’s hilarious.

Anyway, see if you can spot the difference between the two. I BET YOU CAN’T HAHAHA.

“Look at me, not her” tongue.

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“Facebook profile pic” tongue.

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“I’m SO punk rock” tongue.

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“Starting to feel trapped” tongue.

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“Does it look red back there? Because it’s feeling sore” tongue.

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“I’m gonna be different in this picture and tip my head sideways” tongue.

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“With shades” tongue.

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“Twerk all the time because it’s sexual and THAT’S WHO I AM NOW DAMMIT” tongue.

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“Too much peanut butter and now BLARGHAAAAHHHHHLAALHALHAHALHAAAAAHHH” tongue.

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We get it, Miley. You’re grown up, or whatever, and you like raiding Rihanna’s Goodwill bags.

Now stop and go take a shower, because you’re kinda gross and annoying now.