Jack & Jill Went Up the Hill to Fetch a Pail of Cocaine.

Well, this is a little uncomfortable.

Turns out, that old nursery rhyme was full of shit and Jack & Jill didn’t need any kind of water hydration.  Seems like their relationship is a tad more complicated than we feared.

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I really hate it when it doesn’t rhyme, now the message isn’t clear enough for me.

To be fair, Jack’s “crown” is still pretty broken.

Treat Yo Self To Some Great TV Tonight.

This is your Fall TV alert sounding off, telling you to make plans with your couch tonight. I hope you paid extra for DVR, otherwise you’ll have to wait some stupid 17 hours or something for Hulu to get their shit together.

Anywho, I’m so excited for tonight, because I’ve just realized – as of today – my Thursdays have become a night of Must-See-TV, once again. It also means I’ll have no time to shower, so I’ll just bathe in my tears (have you SEEN Parenthood?).

In tonight’s lineup:

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Thursday Night Football. Sometimes this won’t be as big of a deal, depending on my fantasy players schedules, but the Niners play tonight, so I’ll be a nervous, shouting, pacing wreck. The channel won’t be changed, unless we’re either a) kicking SO much ass that my devotion is redundant, or b) losing so very, very badly that my devotion is redundant. Either way, it’s football, and nothing makes me happier than grown men in tight pants wrapping each other up and crashing to the ground.

Parks and Recreation - Season 5

Parks & Recreation. Season 6 starts tonight, it will be recorded, just in case the game runs long. I thought this was actually premiering last week after I mistakenly read their Facebook posts as “THIS WEEK” rather than “ONE WEEK.” That was a harsh reality. Regardless, my favorite cast is back tonight, so I feel pretty damn invincible – I might try stopping a bus with my bare hands later.

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Parenthood. Just typing out the name of the show made me cry a little. If you haven’t been watching this show, you probably haven’t cried enough in your life. Stop bottling up your emotions, let the feelings flow. I’m not a mother or a husband or a 7-year old boy, but this show makes me feel like I’m ALL OF THEM at the same time. The Braverman’s are the greatest family on television, and we should all only hope to be invited to one of their kooky dinner parties. But only after we’ve cried a lot, enough to fill up a mason jar, because that’s the hip thing these days, right?

There you have it. My life tonight. So very diverse: sports, comedy, and crying.

I only hope you have just as productive of a night as moi.

Well, At Least There Isn’t A Hashtag.

Does anyone else hope this bus drives off a cliff and crashes into an elephant graveyard where people discarded their sharpest utensils and, what do you know, it’s a live volcano and now it’s exploding hot magma riddled with dinosaur poison?

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Yea, me too.

“Want to Hear the Most Annoying Sound in the World?”

This is the only picture that matters to me today. I hope it matters to you, too (or to?). Because if it doesn’t, we probably won’t ever be friends.

BEHOLD! A couple of dumbasses.

source: comingsoon.net

source: comingsoon.net

You’re fliggin’-flangin’ right! Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are in the midst of the long awaited sequel to one of the greatest comedies of ALL TIME Dumb & Dumberer, aptly titled Dumb & Dumber To.

Because this atrocity to mankind needs to be wiped off Mother fucking Earth.

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Did anybody even see it? I was firm in my boycott to avoid it at all costs, because NO. No, no, no, NUH.

But this

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I’m gonna watch this so hard.

In light of this excellent news, I’m going to pick up some hitchhikers on my way home and singing a resounding version of “Mockingbird.”

No, Halloween. STOP IT.

Look, it was bad enough when Halloween stores started mass-producing Jersey Shore “characters” with fake six-pack shirts so people could dress up like The Situation, and giant wigs with spray on tan cans for Snooki – but this.

IT’S GONE TOO FAR.

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. . . . . . . .

. . . . . .

. . .

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noooooo

nooooooooo

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NOOOOOOOO

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Please, Halloween – I like you, you’re one of the good ones. But I beg of you, day of the dead this, pronto.

Or at least unleash one of your psychotic, monstrous villains to have some fun on the assholes who end up dressing like this. You can start with Miley, I’ll allow it.

 

 

Honest Campaigning.

This guy will try to make sure we all feel moderately adequate with our living.

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But don’t get your hopes up, much like with Sex and the City 2. Some things just go really badly.

Cats Can Be Such Assholes.

Whatever happened to the old cartoon-type relationship between cats and dogs? Movies and television offer us the stereotypical depiction of the hierarchy of cats and dogs. Dog sees Cat (or Cat pisses off Dog), Dog chases Cat, but Dog never catches up with Cat, because Cat is sly as fuck.

Nowadays, I feel like dogs put up with a lot of shit from the internet’s most beloved and favorite animal.

Case in point.

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Cat: And now I’m gonna fuck with your paw in 3, 2,….

Dog: I hate all things.

 

You Know You’re Into “Game of Thrones” When…

You notice this license plate rim at a stoplight and see “Dornish.”

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And then you become immediately ambivalent towards the driver because ARE THEY GOOD OR ARE THEY BAD?

I’m in the fourth installment, A Feast for Crows, so for those who know my future – STFU.

Love me some Granny Tyrell, though.

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Anytime I Venture Into San Francisco On A Non-Work Day.

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PS: Parks & Recreation Season 6 starts September 26th. Treat yo self and catch up, or die a discontented soul.

 

Happy Birthday, Leslie Knope / Amy Poehler! I Hope You Win All The Emmys.

It’s time to stop being productive (or surfing for great tumblrs), and give thanks for a few minutes.

Today is Amy Poehler’s birthday, along with her televised alter ego, Leslie Knope. Two of the greatest people on the planet.

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God, you gifted S.O.B. (it’s an expression! DON’T LIGHTNING BOLT ME.), thank you for bestowing upon us such a wonderful little firecracker.

Let’s observe her wonder.

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Yes. Yes, you abso-fuckin-lutely are, Amy.

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