Happy 20-Years On Air, Conan.

Twenty years ago today, a magnificent human being entered my household. He wasn’t exactly invited, but it was late and cold, and I didn’t want to pull my arm out from under my bed covers to turn the channel.

And, thus, I was introduced to Conan O’Brien.

September 13, 2013 marks Conan’s 20th anniversary of being on television, and I’ve never cheered, laughed, and actively supported anyone on TV as much as do Conan. Except maybe John Stamos, but I think that’s a given for anyone with a set of ovaries.

In celebration of this fantastic accomplishment, I’ve put together a list of my 10 favorite Conan idiosyncrasies throughout the years. This was extremely difficult for me, so feel really bad, because Conan makes me laugh all day, e’ery day – and digesting this to a mere 10 doesn’t do this Irishman’s comedy genius justice. YouTube or TeamCoco that shit for more.

Onward.

Celebrity Surveys

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Conan still does this sketch, with some Twitter tweets in there, too, but it never fails. This is probably due to my obsession with all things celebrity, but – my GOD – it’s tickles the hell out of my fancy.

 

The Masturbating Bear

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When I first saw this bear, I didn’t really realize what was going on. What an itch that guy has! All the time! Ah, to be young again. Unfortunately, Conan lost this sketch standard after all the NBC bullshit, because Jay Leno can’t keep his massive fucking chin out of showbiz. And now the world is rid of the Masturbating Bear. FUCK YOU LENO.

 

Walker, Texas Ranger Lever

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I’ve lost count of how many calories I burned watching Conan pull this lever. Between the insane clips (did anyone realize how awfully amazing Walker, Texas Ranger was?), Conan’s reaction, and the way he played with the audience for more, I could literally watch an entire hour of him just doing this.

 

If They Mated

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The most immature and gut laughing recurring sketch Conan has ever done. I remember waiting on the edge of my bedroom carpet, hoping he would have an “If They Mated” segment on the show. It never failed to pull out the weirdest gut reactions from the audience – and propelled the strangest sounds from me trying to stay quiet in my room, “sleeping,” even though I was silently dying of laughter. Hand over the mouth, not so effective.

 

Clueless Gamer

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So good, it deserves three. One of Conan’s most recent sketches from his TBS show, and it’s fucking hilarious. I’m not a big gamer, myself, so I feel connected to Coco on this one. His commentary, his lack of knowledge, and his shitty playing skills makes this one of his best segments, ever. It’s Conan in his sweet spot, just improvising and making fun of anything. LOVE.

 

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

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FUCKING BRILLIANT. Everyone should thank Conan for employing Triumph (voiced by Robert Smigel) and giving him a sound stage. If you haven’t watched Triumph at the Star Wars premiere, the VMAs, the Republican National Convention, or in Chicago with Jack McBrayer – just to name a very tiny few – then you haven’t laughed properly yet. GO.

 

The String Dance

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This sorta replaced my favorite “Keep cool, mah babiesss” line Conan would always say after the audience would applaud him in before the monologue, but the String Dance is all that and a bag of FUNYONS. It’s a signature, and a damn good one at that.

 

That Hair

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On my bucket list of things to touch.

 

In The Year 2000…

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“The future, Conan?” says (insert celebrity name here). This sketch was, literally, before its time – until it was actually the year 2000 and they just kept going with it – and became one of the most beloved. It was just…soooooooo silly. The camera panning work, the giggling – gimme it. All day.

 

Conan On The Streets

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Anytime Conan takes a camera with him and goes somewhere just to mess around, he’s in his zone – the Cone Zone. I would watch a show dedicated purely to Conan going to random places for 6-10 minute segments, and this show could last 4 hours. That would be 4 hours well spent. And I’d DVR them. AND I watch them again, later that night. Because my life is full and happy. But seriously, this shit is always gold, and it only deepens my love for Conan and my goal to meet him someday.

Congrats, Conan! Here’s to 20 more years of TeamCoco!

I’ll be watching you….

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Yes, Yes, Yes – YES. So Much YESSSSSSS.

Magic is fucking real, mothafuggers.

It sounds official: J.K. Rowling, the masterful mind behind Harry Potter, is bringing another magical story to the screen.

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For all you Potterheads out there, Rowling released an awesome accompanying book for the Potterverse in 2001 titled, Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. It’s author is Newt Scamander, but, really, it’s Rowling. Scamander is just another character now part of the Potterverse, which meeeeaaaaans…MORE MAGIC AND SHIT.

The timeline of this series will be 70-years before Harry’s time at Hogwarts, so neither a prequel or sequel – and that’s perfection.

Let’s take this time to celebrate, shall we?

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::tear:: Always, Snape.

Even Filch is pretty stoked.

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Oddly enough, that’s mild amusement for him. But even if it’s not, he can go fuck himself because I’m still upset with what he did in Game of Thrones.

Hermione nailed my reaction, but that’s because Hermione is the greatest witch of our time, and I love her.

So, yes, J.K. DO ALL OF THIS PLEASE. We want more, Pottermore.

 

 

Just Keep Scrolling, Scrolling, Scrolling.

Seriously. Scroll.

You won’t be disappointed.

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I fucking told you.

Trust.

Well Played, Motorcycle.

I feel like this represents a win for any and all citizens who’ve ever been fucked over by their respective city meter maids.

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Totally. Legal. Bitches.

An East Bay Concert Experience vs a SF Concert Experience.

I saw the Backstreet Boys in concert last night, and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Pure fucking joy. A sold out crowd singing a bunch of ’90s songs, very loudly, together. I’m a dedicated BSB fan, so you bet your ass I knew the new shit, too.

But I realized, after the fact, that the only people I knew who also attended, or might’ve attended, the show were all East Bay local folks, like myself. Which is a little odd, considering how concert-happy they are in SF.

It made me think, what’s the difference between a concert experience in San Francisco versus the one I had last night in the East Bay?

Allow me to express my thoughts via so many gifs.

SAN FRANCISCO

A refined excitement; they’re just as enthusiastic as East Bayers, except they’re totally stoned and drunk. Pretty sure there’s a banjo requirement to perform in SF, or, at the very least, an agreement to throw in dubstep for an ample substitution.

SF concert-goers may look something like –

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EAST BAY

Balls-out, teenage excitement; we can’t believe we’re old enough to drink beer AND watch boy bands. Fuck your Golden Gate Park, we have Mt. Diablo, it’s on literally fire because it’s summertime in the East Bay, and HOLY SHIT, BACKSTREET’S BACK.

East Bay concert-goers may look something like –

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This concludes today’s lesson on geo-cultural juxtaposition.

(goes back to listening to her BSB Spotify list)

I’m Seeing The Backstreet Boys This Sunday – Excuse Me While I Wet Myself.

Sunday not only marks the first NFL Sunday line-up of the season, it also happens to be the night I get to see the Backstreet Boys in concert. For the third time in my 28-years.

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Words cannot explain how fucking happy I am about this, because I’m going to go completely nuts. My inner teenager is going to wail. WAAAAAAIIIIILLLLL.

So I’m just going to take a few moments to go a little BSB crazy while blasting “The One” and preparing my “Larger Than Life” and “Everybody” dance moves.

Join me, won’t you?

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That last one made me grow a third ovary.

GAH.

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Those Candy Wrapper Jokes Are Getting A Little Intense.

Laffy Taffy has had enough of your shit, and admonishes your laughter.

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They’re more interested in hearing your awkward, “heh heh…ohh” sad laughing, as taffy glues your fucking mouth shut, because – how do people eat that shit???

Regardless, I’m pretty sure the first draft of this joke read:

“If a train full of poop and a truck carrying gasoline crashed together, what type of sound would it make?”

“LIFE.”