20 Lessons I Learned During My Bachelorette Party.

I went through the pre-wedding ritual this past weekend, and I’m still feeling old and tired from it. So, well done, Maid of Honor! I tip my veil off to ya.

I’m also feeling super sassy, because who wouldn’t after this fun ride?

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Now that my bachelorette weekend is finito, I thought I’d make a grand list of lessons that I believe come with the territory. For all you future brides out there, take notice.

Annnnnnd go.

1. Drink lots of water.

2. Scavenger hunts are so much fun, and people should do more of them in life.

3. When one of your girlfriend’s yells, “FUCK THE DODGERS” in a college town in the middle of California, you start thinking about your own eulogy.

4. Sidewalk guitarists do not know any Backstreet Boys songs, and this is incredibly sad. They may also not know a) “Pour Some Sugar On Me” and b) “Wrecking Ball.”

5. Any bar that shows The Nightmare Before Christmas on its TV is a bar in which you should have a few drinks.

6. It may take a few minutes for a guy to notice you when you’re picking your nose, but when one does – he won’t let you forget it 10 minutes later, no matter how wasted he is.

7. Richard Simmons gives the best piggy back rides. See above.

8. When a man answers the question, “Who runs the world?”, with “Illuminati,” he’ll get very upset if you relate to him with, “Ah, the Free Masons, yes. I watched National Treasure, so I would agree that Nic Cage does run the world.”

9. This same guy also hates it when you use a giant pink penis straw as a microphone while asking him questions.

10. No matter how many men you ask, none of them will ever “have a condom.” But a 45-year old woman will, with a few to spare, allowing you to finally complete your scavenger hunt checklist. Huzzah!

11. Blow job shots require a very large mouth, but the whipped cream is totally worth the 5 minutes it takes to figure that shit out.

12. Never underestimate the dancing abilities of an older man in a green button up shirt, because he may end up dipping you to the point where your dick-laden veil flies off.

13. When asking 5 men in a college town for their philosophy on marriage, don’t expect much. Now #10 makes a whole lot of sense.

14. Vanilla vodka + ginger ale = my new favorite drink.

15. When a young married woman and her guy friends buy your entire party a round of shots, you’ll probably find her later on and try to give her a $20 bill. (She refused it.)

16. At 28-years old, it’s exhausting staying out on a Saturday night until 1:30am.

17. Wine tasting is one of the greatest things on this planet, but jell-o shots might bite you in the ass the next morning.

18. Be proud of yourself if you run up to a guy assuming he’s Beetlejuice, only for him to give you a business card that simply reads, “What rhymes with hug me?” Also, answer with, “Rugby” and then walk away.

19. Nothing makes you happier than customized shirts – jeans and a tee is all you need.

20. Realizing you get to hang out with all these amazing ladies and even more friends and family at the wedding – PRICELESS.

So there you have it, all my weekend’s wisdom condensed to 20 simple lessons.

You’re welcome, future brides. I have probably just saved all your marriages.

Home Depot Knows Kinky.

Home Depot’s slogan is “More saving. More doing.”

That has never been more accurate if you go to isle 15 for home good needs.

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I’m not sure what the savings are, but you can definitely guarantee the doing it part.

Just don’t offer any returns. Store credit, or GTFO.

This is the Greatest GIF(t) in the World.

Internet, thank you.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Because this is how I imagine Miley must be like in real life. Maybe at lunch, maybe on an interview. Either way, it seems pretty accurate, no?

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I feel like she is absolutely wasted by being straight.

The Only Isle That Matters.

“Um, yea, hi. I’m going through a rough time in my life right now, and need a serious do-over to get back on track. Do you suggest anything?”

“Go to isle 19. You’ll find everything you need there.”

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EVERYTHING.

NOOOOOO! Goodbye, “What Not To Wear”.

In honor of tonight being the series finale of WNTW, and me relying on its syndication as the source of fashion sanity, time to remember all the good Clinton and Stacy have provided this world.

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I’m going to go cry now.

After 10 seasons of amazing style and personal transformations, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly are closing up shop on “What Not To Wear.” This is massively depressing on so many levels.

First, I’m sure Stacy and Clinton are totally spent. They’re practically glorified therapists and style customer service reps. Can you imagine preaching the same damn rules to nearly 350 people over the course of 10 seasons? SHOOT ME NOW. There’s only so many times I would’ve been able to say, “Dark wash jeans, NOT light wash jeans” or “You’re not fat, you just don’t know what to wear” or “Dresses aren’t the devil’s work!”

Frankly, I’m so impressed with Stacy and Clinton’s patience, and it’s been tested. As someone who has worked in customer service in the great city of Sin, I know what it’s like to hear the same goddamn thing over…

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Good Humor Hump Day, by Bert & Ernie.

I’m going to keep it simple today, folks.

Besides, if I’m featuring a funny, OMG-that’s-a-double-meaning joke from a Bert & Ernie sketch, there’s really not much else that needs to be said.

Take it away, boys.

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Tehehehehehehehehehehe.

The Laws of Halloween.

I firmly believe a female’s Halloween choices can be represented by the stages in her life.  There are distinct differences between her childhood approach, her teenage/twentysomething approach, and then the everything-feels-older approach to Halloween.  It’s pretty interesting to look back and making lovely, harsh judgments on these viewpoints.

They go as follows:

Halloween as a kid

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Adult judgment of this:

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Halloween as a teenager / early-twentysomething

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Adult judgment of this:

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Halloween as a “Fuck this, I want to wear pants, time to GEEK OUT” adult

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Adult judgment of this:

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Men, on the other hand, live Halloween by a much simpler set of laws.

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Fuckers.

And that concludes this week’s lesson on the Laws of Halloween.

 

Real or Fake, or Does it Even Matter?

The latter is the answer you’re looking for, because YES, YES, YES.

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I believe Annie is totally okay with this.

I Don’t Think That Means What You Think It Means…

I love a good statement mug. Obviously.

But, sometimes, the English language creeps up on you and calls you a whore.

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Excuse me, Ms. Self-Righteous?

Never mind.  You just keep sippin’, sweetheart.

Ladies & Gents, the Diet Spoon.

Exactly how you imagined it would have to be.

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Screw those silly dietary supplements with their diarrhea-inducing side effects.  At least now I’ll be able to do that trick where I hang a spoon off my nose.

HA! Take that, Diet Spoon.  I see right through you…*

*Terrible joke.