The Shittiest Prank Caught on Gif.

Oh, God. So many emotions when I watch this gif.

But I think we can all agree that our guttural instincts can be summed up with, “Dick move.”

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I assume this guy’s first thought was, “NOOOO FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCK.”

But upon figuring out the prank, he punched all of his so-called friends in the kneecaps and then shat himself silly.

Susie Posted a Picture of Flowers From Her Boyfriend So Everyone Knows She Isn’t Single and Alone.

Those Sprint commercials with James Earl Jones and Malcolm McDowell are pretty damn sweet. It’s a close second to the idea of Morgan Freeman narrating your life.

However, someone on the internet doesn’t think these ads are doing your Facebook newsfeed justice, and, after reading this, I’d have to wholeheartedly agree with the corrections.

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The FCC would be okay with the usage of “cunt” if its being spoken by Mufasa, right?

REMEMBAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

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Who Runs the World? Beyonce’s Marketing Team. That’s Who.

In case you’ve been living under a rock (aka, you don’t venture on the internet, ever), the magnanimous Beyonce Knowles-Z released a surprise album at midnight last Friday morning. It’s a full album accompanied by completed music videos – a “visual album,” as its being called.

Of course, the Internet blew its load when word got out, and it’s a fairly ballsy move at first thought. But then, given a few days to let it sink in, it’s the perfect formula for this generation of consumers. Take a walk with me Power strut with me.

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The internet hosts a new type of culture, mainly an era of #FOMO (the fear of missing out). We have Twitter, 24/7 news programs, dedicated websites, and TMZ all promoting the idea of breaking news and “see/hear it here first!” If someone doesn’t, you’re labelled as a loser and one of your friends will disgustingly look at you like, “WHAT? OMG srsly?? #DYING” and then eye-roll you into the ground.

Take, for instance, when any prominent celebrity dies. People go apeshit over someone they didn’t give two licks about five seconds ago, but suddenly they become this dead person’s biggest fan – or, at least, for the moment so they can be on #trend. You know, some people are actually sad by this kind of news, but most of the time, the people who actually bother to post or tweet are – likely – looking more for “likes” and retweets than they are sympathetic. My favorite was after Paul Walker’s untimely death just a few weeks ago, someone posted a Facebook status along the lines of, “RIP Paul Walker. You were so hot :-(”

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And so it goes these days.

Over the past decade or so, album sales have steadily declined, and audiences are far more inclined to stream music via Spotify or YouTube. So, the million dollar question is, what’s the new secret to selling?

Ladies and gents, Beyonce (or perhaps the credit goes toward her “people”) totally found it.

How do you capitalize on a generation that won’t give you more than an inch of attention for more than 24 hours? How do you sell, sell, sell and move numbers fast enough to the point where people aren’t even really aware that they’re spending money because they’re too concerned they’ll miss out?

By releasing a visual album at midnight in which people have to buy it in order to talk about it. Want only your favorite songs or videos? Nope. You have to wait two weeks, because that’s when they’ll be up for individual sale. But no one likes to wait two weeks anymore, right? RIGHT. Fucking genius.

Beys album sold about 430,000 units in roughly one day. 24 hours. Did everyone listen/watch it? Maybe. Does it matter? No. Is the music really good and the videos, too? Maybe. Does it matter? Not at all. Not when the real story here is the shock value.

I can’t get over how brilliant this move was for Beyonce. I didn’t buy her album, because I’m not a die-hard Bey fan. I’m definitely more of a singles girl when it comes to her music. But I respect the shit out of her and her work ethic. The woman is a force of nature. I do, however, find it fascinating that this midnight release caused such a crazy uproar. But only someone with the star power of Beyonce could’ve made so many people fork up $16 to own something they never even heard yet. I just hope they aren’t looking for a refund, because the internet doesn’t do refunds. Which is why this was SO GODDAMN GENIUS.

A sure win, money-making, marketing machine.

Will this ever work again? I honestly doubt it. I think this was a one time thing, and it worked. It worked hard and good. Is this album Beyonce’s best? Probably not, though I LOVE the idea of more visual albums. Most reviewers have been blowing their load over it since its surprise release, but are they impressed with her work or her strategy? Perhaps it’s too early to tell.

Regardless, this stunt hit the generational bullseye and I must applaud Bey and her team of geniuses for their contribution to entertainment and internet culture. You guys literally pulled a fast one on everybody.

Until next time, Bey will just be all like:

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And, hey, I think we all owe Bey a huge THANK YOU for finally putting an end to all of the Miley Cyrus headlines. Keep it up, Bey. You’re fucking amazing.

Oh, Canada. Let’s Be Friends.

Americans have an interesting relationship with Canadians. We think they’re these cute little people that are completely harmless, but we also believe there’s something innately wrong with them.

Basically, they’re Cabbage Patch dolls. Adorable, but kinda freaky.

Regardless, they sure know how to make a drinking game evolve into a legitimate sport.

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I  don’t think they know of any other hobby to do besides hockey, so is this such a surprise?

Eh?

‘Murica.

Nothing Says “Neck Support” Like Plastic Train Seats.

I’ve heard of a man walking into a bar, followed by something “Pope,” something “cop” and probably a Jew somewhere in there.

But a man sleeping into a bar? That’s brand new.

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And by “bar,” I mean a literal bar. The object. Which is obviously going to shave half his nose off when he wakes from his slumber.

Truth in Pie Charts.

It’s not technically Winter yet, but considering the average moderately chilly weather conditions of the East Bay Area, it’s fucking cold.

Which means this pie chart accurately describes my evenings from roughly 9:00PM-9:15PM.

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Goddamn tile floors. And why does my towel suddenly seem the size of a washcloth?

Silver lining: Blow drying my hair has become less of a chore and more of a bodily necessity.

Your Bible Needs This Viable Bookshelf Companion.

I think this would be an amazing Christmas or Hanukkah gift, especially coupled with a copy of The Lion King on blu-ray.

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I assume this is another Nicholas Sparks masterpiece. If so, please, dear GOD, let them cast Ryan Gosling as the lion. And then immediately tell me where I can audition as this “learning” title character.

Excuse Me, Sir. Where Did You Get Your Thong? It’s Lovely.

The cheerleaders aren’t the only sexy faculty and staff at NFL games.

And you have to admit, this guy has classy taste.

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It’s not exactly the appropriate time to sag your pants or go without a belt, but – hey – maybe Sisqo was performing at halftime.

Either that or he is a really dedicated flosser.

Happy Birthday, Britney Spears! My Top 10 Favorite Music Videos from the Holy Spearit.

December is a holy month for so many reasons. First, there’s Jesus. He was born of a virgin, died for our sins, came back from the dead, and became the second most famous person in the universe.

Of course, the single most famous person in the world was also born in the month of December, and today is her birthday.

BRITNEY SPEARS.

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This should come as no surprise to my readers, as I made my blogmission of undying love to the Holy Spearit a while back. Refresher.

In honor of God’s great achievement in entertainment history, present, and future (I’m talking about Britney, ya’ll), I’m listing off my 10 favorite Brit-Brit music videos. I warn you, this was really fucking hard for me to determine, because I pretty much love every goddamn video this woman has released. But, sometimes in life you have to make some hard decisions. SOOOOOMMEETTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMESS.

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Thanks to this video, I’ve never been able to approach a pier the same ever again. (“Where are all the dancers in white? Something is wrong.”)

Now, if you disagree with my rankings, or think I’ve left out a contender (let’s face it, that’s going to happen – WHY DID I ONLY PICK TEN?), I hope you won’t hold it against me. Making this list drove me crazy, as if it was just me against the music. But I made this blog because I was born to make you happy, and it’s toxic, I know. Regardless if you think I’m a criminal for missing any, I’m just trying to work, bitch.

That came to me far too easy. LET’S DO THIS.

10. “Do Somethin'”

This song and video are wildly underrated, and underplayed. Back when I was a dance teacher, I used to spin this baby on repeat in my classes. PUMP UP MAH JAM. Plus, look at how much fun she is having! Gotta love Playfulney.

 

9. “Work Bitch”

Let’s be real, we were all wondering what Britney would do next and how she would present herself. Her answer? Whips, leashes, exploding mannequins, and a mothafuckin’ Vegas residency. THAT is how you promote an album, ladies and gents. Plus, she is smokin’ hot, and giving me the motivation to get a goddamn promotion.

 

8. “Circus”

I hate making this list, because amazing videos like “Circus” end up in a spot like #8. I love this video, I love the sparks, I love Ringleaderney, I love the top hat, I love the lighting, and I love her in that coat. Plus, chair dance Britney strikes again! I’m beginning to think the main ingredients in her perfumes are peaches and glitter.

 

7. “Slave 4 U”

It could be snowing outside and this video would still never fail to make me yank off my scarf and fan myself. This is one of those costume design conversations that probably went something like:

“Hey, what do you think of putting this pink lacy thong over pants?”

“That’s ridiculous and will never work.”

“It’s for Britney to wear.”

“Yes, that’s a gold mine.”

 

6. “Oops!…I Did It Again”

When I first heard the title of this song, I thought it was a joke. Now? Legendary. Should’ve won so many VMAs. Remember when this (and almost all of Brit’s videos) were part of the “Making the Video” MTV show, back when MTV fulfilled its name? This was an excellent episode. The camera fell on Britney during the “star” scene. Never forget.

 

5. “Everytime”

Pardon me while I go cry. This video was such an immense break from Brit’s dance-packed material, and the concept is incredibly heavy. This is ranked #5 based solely on my emotional attachment to Britney, and how difficult it must’ve been to put herself in this deep scenario. Gah. LOOK! A baby. Feel better?

 

4. “…Baby One More Time”

I mean, COME ON. In all honesty, this should probably be ranked higher based on the fact that this is iconic, and it was also the last video shown on the greatest MTV program of all time, TRL. I’m pretty sure male attendance at Catholic high schools skyrocketed after this premiere. See? GODNEY.

 

3. “Me Against the Music”

Britney. Madonna. Britney AND Madonna. Amazing choreography, awesome dancers, great song. For me, this is a no-brainer. I could watch it all day.

 

2. “(You Drive Me) Crazy”

Although I tried to learn all of Brit’s dance moves via tape recording (didn’t you hate it when Carson Daly would only drop a snippet of a TRL video and not the whole thing? STFU.), this was the video that really did me in – I knew this dance from top to bottom. I even performed a little bit from the chorus at my wedding reception. And, hey! There’s even something for the guys in this video – check out that cleavage during the chair routine. Not gonna lie. I did, too. CHESTNEY.

 

2. “Toxic”

Yes, you read that correctly. There’s two #2’s. I could not decide how to cut one of these beauties, so I cheated and allowed a tie. You have to admit, this is a really great tie. The “Toxic” video is perfect for the song. It’s an awesome marriage between visual dreams and audio nirvana. And who would’ve thought Miss Spears looked so great as a redhead? I would be much more inclined to fly often if Brit was a stewardess. SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

 

1. “Stronger”

This is my ultimate Britney video obsession. She just kicks so much ass in this, and she looks amaaaaaaaazing. As someone who danced for nearly 20 years, I have the upmost respect for this video, but she also completely slays the choreography and emotion of the song. Great pop song, even better pop video. It’s just Britney dancing, pure and simple. Plus, she made talking to a chair cool before Clint Eastwood ever did.

 

Honorable Mentions: “Born to Make You Happy,” “If U Seek Amy,” “I Wanna Go.”

 

 

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