I’m Going to Start Reading the Paper Again.

Who says printed advertising is a dying art?

Not these guys.

Pdc6NnH

Simple, effective, and bold. Kind of annoyed I can’t click on that link, though. Typing is hard.

nuUBTbW

Well, that was unexpected. I can’t believe she still uses MySpace.

She obviously found the perfect balance of glitter gifs and motivational quotes that don’t slow down her page loading, otherwise this ad would be depressing.

I wonder what you can do on Heroin? Hopefully it isn’t as addictive as Facebook. Perhaps the substance of Twitter with the after effect of G+: quick and forgettable.

#WhatShouldWeCallIt – Teenage Girls Edition

Every so often, I brave going to the mall after months of avoidance because I need to replace at least three clothing items that have been worn out for years.

Then I remember why I stay away: high school girls hanging out at the mall.

0NysV2K

Thank you, online shopping. Don’t ever change.

Bah-dum-CHING!

Gotta love a good racist joke, especially when male caucasians and penis references are the subject matter.

YWqEXnz

BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-N.

A Lesson in Bad Parenting

This picture doesn’t require much messaging, except for what the internet already did to it.

Observe.

qfsSkct

So, what’s the over-under on who said it, mom or dad?

My money is on mom, because her arms are crossed and over it.

Don’t worry, kid. In about 18 years, you can leave for college and never come back.

10 Things That Should Have Been.

Sometimes, nostalgia consumes me.

There are so many messed up issues in this world, but that’s not what I’m here to discuss. What I am going to discuss are all the petty things in life that should somehow find their way back into fruition. So here you go.

Count ’em down.

10. Jack and Rose live happily ever after.

9. TRL thrives on MTV, as does Fanatic, Making the Video, Diary, and Yo! MTV Raps.

8. No one ever created a crop top.

7. Another season of Gilmore Girls, because I don’t accept where things left off.

6. Carrie picks Aiden over Big. Granted, Carrie never deserved Aiden, but STILL. I have principles.

5. Surge is available on every soda machine.

4. The Secret World of Alex Mack is on season 20 and there was never a Secret Life of an American Teenager.

3. 2Pac and Eminem battle for the G.O.A.T.

2. Mens pants aren’t tight enough where we can see the curvature of their thighs.

1. Justin and Britney, together forever and ever. I will never let these emotions rest. I’m also certain this reconciliation will raise global morale, tenfold times a million.

tumblr_maurxqTGk51rvnhnto1_500

Yes, Justin. WE KNOW. You’re so obvious.

It’s Official: Watermelon Seeds Contain No Real Seed.

Remember the terrifying urban legend of your childhood about how swallowing a watermelon seed led to a giant melon growing in your belly?

8kiscyw

Rest easy, kiddos. As it turns out, scientists have finally distinguished the notion between seeds. Watermelons and sperm are super different.

So if you think you might be sprouting a watermelon in your tummy, you’re probably just pregnant. And kinda slutty.

nbc_the_more_you_know

My 2014 Oscar Predictions: Either Way, the World Will Cry with Leo.

The nominees for the 86th Academy Awards were announced this morning by a very modern looking Thor.

462948877

Oh, heyyyyyyy. I like your face, and what’s going on with it, and how it looks. Takeoffyourshirt.

Onto the real business, I’m about to give you the inside scoop about the main categories. And by inside scoop, I mean inside my head. This place is cah-raaaaazy.

Who will win, who should win, and how the win will go down. It’s all here, folks. OMG – my excitement!!! RAHHH!

Let’s begin.

Screen shot 2014-01-16 at 2.57.21 PM

Who will win: 12 Years a Slave. It’s unfortunate I haven’t gotten around to seeing this movie yet, but I imagine it’s worth its weight in a golden statue.

Who should win: Gravity. This movie was one of the earlier releases listed, and it’s resonated with me long after my viewing. I saw this the day of my 10th backiversary (aka, 10 year mark since I had corrective back surgery from scoliosis), so it hit a sweet spot none of the others could/can. Right place, right time, right everything.

How the win will go down: Brad Pitt will introduce the movie with his African looking child, the Academy will be too prudish and ashamed of the numerous times they watched American Hustle, Her, and The Wolf of Wall Street just for the side boob, cooch shot, and ScarJo sexy talk. They’ll fear Alfonso Cuaron will say “syphilis” when he is actually telling George Clooney to “sit with us” because he opted for a more youthful table. A no-brainer mixture of great movie making and white guilt will propel the amazing Steve McQueen to the winners circle, especially since everyone still feels bad over Drive‘s snubs. McQueen’s glasses frames will become the new biggest trend in San Francisco.

 

Screen shot 2014-01-16 at 2.57.35 PM

Who will win: Matthew McConaughey.

Who should win: Leo, of course. And I would freak. out.

How the win will go down: The world will hold its breath, waiting for the chance to hear Leo’s name finally called to accept an 8-inch naked man of gold. Cool Hand Matthew is called and everyone feels confused because McConaughey is excellent and has paved an incredible new path for himself, but…what about Leo? Salt is poured into the wound when everyone realizes Matthew was also in The Wolf of Wall Street, only appearing in scenes with Leo. The world begins to cry with Leo as he weep-texts Kate Winslet, “I should have never let go.”

Best alternate ending: Leo wins and the whole world cries with him. Either way this goes, the world will cry with Leo. I’M ROOTING FOR YOU, MAN.

Screen shot 2014-01-16 at 2.57.48 PM

Who will win: Cate Blanchett. With Amy a close second.

Who should win: Sandra Bullock. This won’t happen, I’m just far too attached to this movie. Cate and Amy (we’re on first name basis, don’t you know?) are both spectacular in their roles, and I would love if either won. Especially Amy, who is a six-time nominee with no naked gold man to fondle at home.

How the win will go down: Gandalf is swept onto stage by Shadowfax and Legolas. The big G glides down from behind Legolas and approaches the microphone. He closes he eyes and lifts his staff in the air, wielding the knowledge of the winner into his mind as he proclaims, “CATE BLANCHETT.” Dressed in the hairs of angels, Cate drifts to the stage without a toe even touching the floor. She accepts the award looking into the camera, lips unmoving, but her voice loud and clear. Amy Adams mutters “precious,” and the world goes cloudy and still.

Screen shot 2014-01-16 at 2.58.22 PM

Who will win: Jared Leto.

Who should win: Jared Leto. I haven’t seen the movie, but even I know this isn’t a contest. Too bad, I really liked you, Jonah Hill(‘s teeth).

How the win will go down: Jennifer Lawrence will present the award from the stairs, where she fell, even though she was entering from the back of the stage. She’s silly, these things happen. Since she’s just like you and me, she squeals out, “OMG Jared Leto!” and the ’90s teenager in all of us will die of heartache, internally screaming, “I WANT MY MTV!” Leto will then accept his award by piercing his eyes into our souls, and then his ponytail will grow upward and higher until it breaks through the roof. Leto will climb it, only to return 8 years later with another award winning performance.

Screen shot 2014-01-16 at 2.58.45 PM

Who will win: Lupita Nyong’o. Because I doubt the Academy would award Jen two years in a row.

Who should win: Jennifer Lawrence. Never has crazy and manipulative looked so damn good.

How the win will go down: While Jennifer Lawrence breathes a clear sigh of relief, Lupita walks gloriously toward the stage and ascends the stairs without fail. During her acceptance speech, she uses words that are far to big and important for any average American to understand, because she’s a Yale grad, and then pushes her perfect shoulders back as a cape suddenly cascades down to the floor. She gracefully declines her signaled exit to stage left, and, instead, floats away over the audience and out of the theater. Seconds later, Twitter breaks from news that she saved a baby from a burning building, and looked fabulous doing it. All females shave their heads in pride and admiration.

That One Time Papa Bear Got Caught Watching Porn.

It must be said, Disney really knows what they’re doing when it comes to sexual innuendoes. When you’re young and innocent, all the sexually charged tidbits in your favorite Disney movies go completely over your head. And yet, when you reach a certain age where you suddenly look at the screen and see an erect penis, you’re not totally appalled and missing your childhood as much as you’re absurdly impressed they had the balls (heh) to put out the vibe.

Sure, you can argue Disney is a giant monopoly full of old perverts. And you’re probably right. Based on Nala’s fuck-me eyes alone, there were a lot of tensions and circle jerks and orgies during the making of The Lion King. To be fair, they had just killed off Mufasa, so they deserved to have a good time and forget their worries. Hakuna matata. Nonetheless, at one point in your life, childhood nostalgia and adult acknowledgement intertwine and live happily ever after.

That being said, Papa Berenstain Bear needs to take a clue from Disney’s subtlety and brush it under the rug, because mister is OBVIOUS about his porn.

HePea8t

By the look of Papa’s face, and his slightly unbuttoned shirt, he saw just enough of what he needed.

It’s cool. His copy of Busty Bears in Trees still remains safe and unseen in his hidden honey stash.

Leonardo DiCaprio Might Be The Greatest Name in Showbiz.

The title is merely a fact I just made up, but it’s accurate. Take a minute to absorb that sentence.

Moving on. This past weekend was one for the books.

  • Patriots advanced to the AFC Championship game (Bostonian hubby is thrilled, as am I) after a not so stellar start to the season.
  • Niners advanced to the NFC Championship game as they continue to defy the odds on the road and test the pigmentation of my hair.
  • Since I tend to keep myself business when terrified over a game, our apartment has never been cleaner. This is a huge win.
  • Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, once again, were funny and fabulous hosting the Golden Globes. If only they had been featured more.
  • My best friend Miri (you know her as Jennifer Lawrence) won her second Golden Globe at the crusty age of 23.
  • AMY POEHLER WON BEST ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION COMEDY. Then a horse grew a unicorn horn and became a better living thing.
  • Leo DiCaprio won Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical, even though he’s not nominated for anything else in the upcoming awards week, raising his chances at an Oscar nod. This is good for the world.

So many warm and fuzzies!

Speaking of getting warm and fuzzy, let’s revisit one of last night’s best jokes.

KFMnjol

To which Leo basically responded like –

leostrutoriginal

Because not only was it a joke, it was a pretty spot-on fact. Bravo, all around.

What really matters here is this: Leo’s Oscar winning chances have improved! See above picture for reaction.

In related Globes news, Jim Carrey is still fucking hilarious.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-29050-1389591045-21

anigif_original-grid-image-795-1389591065-12

ZINNNNNNNGAH! Thanks for coming, Jim. Really looking forward to some more Harry & Lloyd.

In closing, Lupita Nyong’o might be the most beautiful woman on the planet.

NBC's "71st Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I should really wear more capes.

This Airport Isn’t Very Excited.

Why is it that anytime someone creates an original piece of art in a public place, it always resembles something incredibly phallic?

I mean, WHAT ELSE IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE?

Dfnrblv

Regardless, I bet this was erected – and I use that term loosely – in honor of the TSA. It’s awfully close to the security ropes, after all.