My 2014 Oscar Predictions: Either Way, the World Will Cry with Leo.

The nominees for the 86th Academy Awards were announced this morning by a very modern looking Thor.

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Oh, heyyyyyyy. I like your face, and what’s going on with it, and how it looks. Takeoffyourshirt.

Onto the real business, I’m about to give you the inside scoop about the main categories. And by inside scoop, I mean inside my head. This place is cah-raaaaazy.

Who will win, who should win, and how the win will go down. It’s all here, folks. OMG – my excitement!!! RAHHH!

Let’s begin.

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Who will win: 12 Years a Slave. It’s unfortunate I haven’t gotten around to seeing this movie yet, but I imagine it’s worth its weight in a golden statue.

Who should win: Gravity. This movie was one of the earlier releases listed, and it’s resonated with me long after my viewing. I saw this the day of my 10th backiversary (aka, 10 year mark since I had corrective back surgery from scoliosis), so it hit a sweet spot none of the others could/can. Right place, right time, right everything.

How the win will go down: Brad Pitt will introduce the movie with his African looking child, the Academy will be too prudish and ashamed of the numerous times they watched American Hustle, Her, and The Wolf of Wall Street just for the side boob, cooch shot, and ScarJo sexy talk. They’ll fear Alfonso Cuaron will say “syphilis” when he is actually telling George Clooney to “sit with us” because he opted for a more youthful table. A no-brainer mixture of great movie making and white guilt will propel the amazing Steve McQueen to the winners circle, especially since everyone still feels bad over Drive‘s snubs. McQueen’s glasses frames will become the new biggest trend in San Francisco.

 

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Who will win: Matthew McConaughey.

Who should win: Leo, of course. And I would freak. out.

How the win will go down: The world will hold its breath, waiting for the chance to hear Leo’s name finally called to accept an 8-inch naked man of gold. Cool Hand Matthew is called and everyone feels confused because McConaughey is excellent and has paved an incredible new path for himself, but…what about Leo? Salt is poured into the wound when everyone realizes Matthew was also in The Wolf of Wall Street, only appearing in scenes with Leo. The world begins to cry with Leo as he weep-texts Kate Winslet, “I should have never let go.”

Best alternate ending: Leo wins and the whole world cries with him. Either way this goes, the world will cry with Leo. I’M ROOTING FOR YOU, MAN.

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Who will win: Cate Blanchett. With Amy a close second.

Who should win: Sandra Bullock. This won’t happen, I’m just far too attached to this movie. Cate and Amy (we’re on first name basis, don’t you know?) are both spectacular in their roles, and I would love if either won. Especially Amy, who is a six-time nominee with no naked gold man to fondle at home.

How the win will go down: Gandalf is swept onto stage by Shadowfax and Legolas. The big G glides down from behind Legolas and approaches the microphone. He closes he eyes and lifts his staff in the air, wielding the knowledge of the winner into his mind as he proclaims, “CATE BLANCHETT.” Dressed in the hairs of angels, Cate drifts to the stage without a toe even touching the floor. She accepts the award looking into the camera, lips unmoving, but her voice loud and clear. Amy Adams mutters “precious,” and the world goes cloudy and still.

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Who will win: Jared Leto.

Who should win: Jared Leto. I haven’t seen the movie, but even I know this isn’t a contest. Too bad, I really liked you, Jonah Hill(‘s teeth).

How the win will go down: Jennifer Lawrence will present the award from the stairs, where she fell, even though she was entering from the back of the stage. She’s silly, these things happen. Since she’s just like you and me, she squeals out, “OMG Jared Leto!” and the ’90s teenager in all of us will die of heartache, internally screaming, “I WANT MY MTV!” Leto will then accept his award by piercing his eyes into our souls, and then his ponytail will grow upward and higher until it breaks through the roof. Leto will climb it, only to return 8 years later with another award winning performance.

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Who will win: Lupita Nyong’o. Because I doubt the Academy would award Jen two years in a row.

Who should win: Jennifer Lawrence. Never has crazy and manipulative looked so damn good.

How the win will go down: While Jennifer Lawrence breathes a clear sigh of relief, Lupita walks gloriously toward the stage and ascends the stairs without fail. During her acceptance speech, she uses words that are far to big and important for any average American to understand, because she’s a Yale grad, and then pushes her perfect shoulders back as a cape suddenly cascades down to the floor. She gracefully declines her signaled exit to stage left, and, instead, floats away over the audience and out of the theater. Seconds later, Twitter breaks from news that she saved a baby from a burning building, and looked fabulous doing it. All females shave their heads in pride and admiration.

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