They Were Always Watching You…

First, let me start out by addressing the elephant in the room.


It’s Nicolas Cage’s 50th birthday today, so that means all other people who were born on this day are ultimately overlooked, and lose. I’m still waiting for the day I can cuddle up in my Nic Cage face blanket while watching him rub lemons on the back of the Declaration of Independence. I’m sure he sits upon stacks of gold in his European castles, yelling at emerald statues of Egyptians. I also heard he was super poor, but either way, he’s yelling.

In honor of this great occasion, let us remember why Nic Cage is the best. And one more picture, shall we?


In other news, Toy Story might be a real thing, but it’s not looking good.


Imagine them all saying in unison, “Hi [your name], we’ve been waiting for you to play,” WITHOUT BLINKING.

Elmo is scary as fuck without a hand up his ass. Yea, I said it.


Sh*t Happens. And Sometimes It Gets Left Behind.

Don’t you love those embarrassing stories in magazines where people submit their crazy real life tales, and you suddenly feel so much better about your own missteps?

No? Did I lose you at “magazines”? You remember magazines (pronounced MAG-UH-ZEENS). They’re those things with famous people on them, and they stare at you while you checkout at the grocery store. Some of them even tell you you’re fat with headlines like, “5 ways to lose those 40 lbs.” And then a photoshopped celebrity shoots lasers out of their abs as your Lean Cuisine and quart of Rocky Road ice cream get scanned. How dare they mock us at checkout.

Well, apparently, we’re all missing out.


She needs to seriously get her shit together. Or learn plumbing, immediately.

If I were in that situation, I probably would’ve tried to:

a) shove it all down the sink, bit by bit with a Q-tip. And then pour his entire bottle of cologne or shampoo or body wash down the sink with it.

b) wrap it up and throw it out the window with a post-it attached reading, “This is dog poop. Really.”

c) leave it, as is, and write CALL ME on a bunch of toilet paper and throw it on top of the poop.

I don’t know, people deal with their shit differently, I guess.

Can You Find All Four Mallets In This Picture?

It’s been a whole year since I’ve posted, and I promise 2014 will be better than that crappy joke I just made.

I’m sure everyone is already deep in anxiety over their New Year Resolution, but – don’t worry – soon enough, it’ll be February and you’ll feel more like –


Until then, give it your best shot, or whatever.

Onto more pressing and educational matters, let’s play a fun game! You know those picture riddle things where you have to find all the objects and circle them? Yes.

Quick, find all four mallets.


Take your time.


Okay, way too much time. Let’s see how you did.


Two words: DICK. MOVE.

Please take another few seconds to admire this utterly fantastic pun.

So much symbolism in this one picture. A bunch of young boys with wooden sticks, drooling over an older, hot girl, ready to throw their balls at her.

Never mind, this isn’t symbolism, this is a just a typical dance at my old high school.

Thank You, Readers and Lurkers! Here’s 2013 in Review.

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 40,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 15 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.