Officially a Legitimate Form of Birth Control.

This is kind of like one of those random Publishers Clearing House doorbell prizes you never see anyone winning, yet there are pictures out there proving their existence.

Except this prize might not be as welcome, and this guy is for sure signing up for a shot at the PCH sweepstakes right now.

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Upon first seeing this picture, I gave an audible “Ew” over the fact that this chick taped her pee stick to poster board.

That ought to give you some insight into how ready I am for children. I deal with enough pee while riding BART.

Hey! Congratulations, pal! Ten bucks says you popped the shit out of those balloons before you even opened the door.

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Honest License Plate is Honest.

I’ve mentioned my affinity for personalized “vanity” license plates before, and while on the look out for ridiculous things to share with you, my dear readers, I happen to choose a goddamn license plate more times than I probably should.

But I cannot. stop.

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Clearly this says “can’t walk,” but I think it’s equally hilarious that one might read it as “cunt walk.” Because who wouldn’t want to see that? I mean, that might not be a wheelchair sign on the left, it might be an ecstatic person sitting on a ball-like chair, eagerly waiting this cunt walk. Or they just can’t walk, so they’re compensating well with this fantastically creative license plate on, what seems like, a rice rocket low rider driven on living room carpet. Fitting, no?

This may or may not seal the deal on my ticket to hell.

But, hey, they started the joke. If there’s an issue, I’ll just start running. Or power walk, depending on their hand-to-wheel speed.

All My Single Ladies, Thank Me Later

Tomorrow is the dreaded Valentine’s Day, or what I like to call Single Awareness Day. As a married individual, let me say this day has not gotten better than when I was solo. Sure, I have a companion, and I’m very grateful for him – but I mean that in the I-want-to-love-you-forever sense, not in the thank-god-I’m-not-alone-on-this-day kind.

That being said, now I also have pressure, and it’s not even from my husband. Thanks, Society, for being a judgmental asshole. No, we don’t have dinner plans – are we supposed to? I guess I should get a card, and maybe shave my legs. I think he’d prefer the latter. But the knees…ugh.

In honor of all my single lady friends tomorrow, who I think are more than worthy companions for any extremely awesome person lucky enough to know them, here’s my gift to you.

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You’ll never go back.

This Guy Has it All Figured Out.

You know that feeling of determination when you’re filling up your car with gas and you only want to spend $20? It’s kind of like an old western movie, where your hand hovers over your gun, ready to draw – but instead, it’s a gas nozzle, and your eyes are glued on those numbers ticking upward. DON’T GO OVER. DON’T GO OVER. You’ve GOT this.

I was filling up my car this morning, and I’m pretty decent at nailing the $20 flat. But this morning – sigh. $20.04.

$20.04

I’m going to see those numbers in my nightmares tonight. Goddamn last minute squeeze. My right hand totally got away from me. I let my left steer the whole way to the train station, out of pure disgust of righty.

This story means nothing to the image I’m about to show you, but it is car related.

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I’m such a sucker for a good vanity plate, especially when it plays right into the license plate rim.

This is also the best use of the handprint I’ve ever seen.¬†I’m looking at you, Grannies.

As a ’90s Child, I Always Look at the Bigger Picture in Life

Anytime you feel overwhelmed from juggling your work, social life, and bowling pins, you should take a step back and think about this.

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And there you have it.

Good day, sirs and ladies.