What Would Kanye Do?

It’s Earth Day, so let’s all feel super uncomfortable as I provide you with one of our advanced creatures of the human race that’s living (still, maybe?) on this planet.


Look, I know what you’re seeing here. He’s totally leaning on the door. It’s clearly stated he’s not supposed to lean on the door. UGH. Don’t you hate ignorant people?

Also, anyone else wish he would’ve at least been consistent in replacing all the i’s with #’s on his shirt? No? Alr#ght, just check#ing.

Regardless, the dude on the left seems fairly weary of the RWN – he’s guarding his bag quite well. But maybe that’s just his basketball position.

Okay, I’m done.


I Want Jay and Bey to Help Me With My Bills, Bills, Bills

As I’m trying to dispel the feeling of buyers remorse after dropping $130 at Old Navy on a work break, I gazed at my Facebook feed and found a picture of Beyonce and (presumably) Jay-Z – the latter seeming to sport a shirt that reads on the back, “BILLIONAIRY.”


It got me thinking the obvious, Wow, they have so much more money than we do. And there he is, showing exactly that, without even having to stare me in the face. What I just threw down at a goddamn Old Navy wouldn’t even register on their bank account. That’s if they have a bank account. At this point, I doubt it. I imagine money just gets injected into their veins now, literally making them of money. The cash flows hard with these ones.

I, on the other hand, pushed our banking boundaries and burned our plastic on jeans, a cardigan, and two shirts. All of which are necessary for our honeymoon coming up. We live a California life, people, and we hear Alaska calls for thicker denim. Plus, it’s our honeymoon, shouldn’t we splurge toward looking good? YES. However, I had to stick with my list and not stray, which is so hard when I haven’t been shopping at stores other than Ross, Marshalls, or TJMaxx in about a year. It went something like –

[Ground floor] Dear God, it’s all on sale and decently priced. NO. You’re such a cotton whore, you cute striped dress! I DON’T NEED YOU BUT I WANT YOU. (backs away slowly) Where the hell is the mens section? Hubby needs some bootcuts. Ah, the escalator.

[Second floor] Of course the mens section is on the goddamn 3rd floor. Time to walk through all the adorable swimsuits. Polka dots are mocking me. Look straight ahead. (GASP!) SANDALS. No. Stop. Escalator, now.

[Third floor] Where the shit am I? Ah, a wall of jeans. Done.

Repeat process backwards.

It’s fairly easy to assume Mr. and Mrs. Carter haven’t had this problem in a good 10-15 years. So I get to thinking, where does all their piles of extra money go? Blue Ivy has certainly taken her fair share, but they have BUTTLOADS of cash. Surely they could discard some of it to make some peoples’ lives (cough-look here-cough) much less stressful.

What if there was a lottery every month where they gave one lucky person $10,000? Shit, even $1,000 would be amazing. I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt them. Am I being totally insensitive here? It’s their hard earned cash, sure, but how cool would it be if celebrities just randomly gave an average Joe a lump sum of money, no strings attached? FUCKING cool. That’s how. I wouldn’t even feel bad taking it, like I usually would, because Jay’s hat and Bey’s glasses combined probably cost more than six months worth of our rent. And I’m sure they got them for free. Big, deep, stomach-wrenching sigh.

In conclusion, this is a genius idea and I’d like to be the first “random.”


Say my name, say my name.*

*I couldn’t help it.


Only in Europe.

Last year for my birthday, I made a list of things I’ve learned, one for every year I’ve blessed this planet with my presence. (You’re welcome.) It would be far too ridiculous to add a 29th thing to that list, so, instead, I’m going to post an inappropriate joke about life.

Thanks to the land of Germany for this bit of honest advertising. Translated, of course. I’m American, after all. Shit ain’t funny when I can’t read it.


Mean. Clever. Ominous. German.

Well, how else is a funeral service supposed to gain business? Do funeral places usually advertise? Do they get competitive or roam hospitals and senior homes to network? I need to stop asking questions.

Watch for their next ad posted above a cigarette wall, probably titled, “Breathe deep.”

In opposite news, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ME!!!


Fuck off, thirty. It ain’t your time yet.

Valar HBO-ghulis

“All men must order HBO.” Wiki that shit, it won’t come up.

Game of Thrones season four starts this Sunday.


I cannot begin to tell you my feelings about this. Except that’s a total exaggeration (welcome to the internet) because I can, and I will. I’ll keep it simple, let’s play fill in the blank:

Game of Thrones season four premieres this Sunday and I’m feeling _______.

  • terrified
  • excited
  • anxious
  • so ready
  • pissed
  • not ready at all
  • vengeful
  • horny
  • entirely depressed, was the Red Wedding only two episodes ago?!?
  • badass
  • hopeful
  • not hopeful at all
  • hot and bothered

I’m only a few hundred pages into A Feast for Crows (that’s GoT book four, for those anti-literature fans), so I feel somewhat behind in my preparation. When the Red Wedding happened last season, I was a few chapters away from it, so I knew half of what was going on, but was blindsided by the actual wedding massacre. I’m not sure which way I would have preferred. Regardless, I feel beaten and bruised and completely pissed off, so HELLO season four! So good to see you! It’s been a goddamn year, you scarlet whore of a show.



And the Oscar Goes To…

I’ll have you know, chivalry is not dead, ladies.

Sometimes, a true gentleman will hold a door open for you, help you pick up your dropped belongings, flash you a sweet smile from across the room, or leave you an endearing note.


This isn’t one of those times. You don’t want Oscar. You want to find somewhere else to park. Forever.

Besides, I never trust anyone who doesn’t put a period at the end of a sentence. If you call that a sentence.


Fill in the Solutions

I hope to instill this value when I have children.

Granted, Neosporin will also be in the mix, but this is pretty much a dead ringer for Tomasik family values.5c3UV7P

Except ours will probably be spoken in a Boston accent with a 25% chance of “cocksuckah” thrown in there.