Who Says The Art Of Handwriting Is Dead?

It’s true, nowadays people don’t write as much. And when I say “write” I mean the Jane Austen type of writing – with a quill and a tiny jar of ink.

People just don’t need to put pen to paper anymore since there’s a fake, looks-like-I’m-writing-a-real-note application on every smartphone, iPad, smart pad, tabletberry out there. Everyone would much rather type it than write it these days, even when leaving a note for a slob roommate or the office kleptomaniac. Sometimes I think if I were to hand someone younger than me an unsharpened pencil, they’d look at it as if it were searing off their fingers and giving them VD. Our conversation would go as such:

Me: “I have a pencil.”

Youth: “Really? Is it a free app?”

Me: “No, it’s a thing. Like, a tangible object. Here.”

Youth: “OH MY GOD WHAT’S IT DOING TO ME.”

Me: “Fuck this. Give it back.”

Granted, my high school and college experience was a transitional time when technology was just getting the hang of things. We had a typewriter when I was little, but mainly technology was something of a wonder when I was growing up, not a necessity. Mind you, without my massive, loud, and temperamental Fujitsu laptop in college, I would’ve been in the library’s computer room far more than I should.

Now, I wonder when students will no longer need those blue test books, which may have single-handedly induced my entire generation with premature arthritis. But having to handwrite all of my exams and in-class essays forced me, and everyone else in the same bucket, to really think. No one has to think about what they write anymore, which is why the autocorrect industry is thriving. No one checks their spelling, no gives a shit. Maybe it’s because there’s something about misspelling on paper that seems to be more embarrassing than typing, probably because technology either 1) tells you when you spelled it wrong, 2) corrects it for you, or 3) makes you look like a comedian by inserting a word like “vagina” instead of “over.” (“Hey, when are you coming vagina?” “*Vagina” “UGH vagina” “FUCK IT IM DONE”.)

Well, I’d like to take the approach of the glass being half full in this scenario, because I wouldn’t say the art of handwriting is dead yet. And to prove my theory, here are a bunch of examples of people using their inner Jane Austen (and her eloquence, of course) to make a point.

asshat

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Soyfucker

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Autocorrect Should Die, Reinvent Clippy For The Text Generation.

Hey, remember this little guy, Clippy?

 

It’s that annoying piece of crap from Microsoft Office! He used to randomly pop up when I was finally concentrating on my book report about the latest Goosebumps installment, and then ask if I needed help even when I didn’t want it. He wasn’t intuitive at all, and he bugged the shit out of me a lot, but he really cared about grammar and wanted to make sure I didn’t fuck up.

You know what we have instead of Clippy these days? AUTOCORRECT. Some vicious little gnome of a ghost that Apple created to change your words and fuck shit up. Autocorrect means well, but so did Chucky at one point. He was just a doll after all. Then he started killing people. See where this is going?

Wouldn’t it be awesome if Facebook, Apple, Microsoft, and any other messaging system/network reinvented Clippy to pop up while you type to tell you you’re doing it wrong? It’d be this annoying friendly reminder that you’re stupid and lost your sense of the English language. Here are some examples, from actual human beings that are dumb, of what happens when Facebook can’t help correct posts:

(Hey! Remember when your Facebook status was posted by your profile picture? Good times.)

 

 

Now, some of these people actually chose to spell incorrectly. Yes, nowadays folks have a choice to look stupid because this “slang” is apparently cool. I’ve never really been a cool kid, so this is still going over my head. Case in point:

 

 

I get physically pissed off when I see Facebook posts or text messages like the left side above. It even bothered me when 50 Cent named his song “In Da Club”.  Is it really THAT much more effort to just…spell correctly? I’m lucky to be part of the generation who basically missed this whole, getting hip to the slang thing. But I’m not even asking for perfect grammar, just some proof that these people still know how to spell “you” and “the” and “when.”

That’s why I propose Snippy, Clippy’s bitchy and slang-insulting, evil twin. And he’ll pop up when you start typing stuff like “dis” instead of “this”:

 

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I can’t be alone in thinking that everyone deserves a healthy reminder of how to communicate well with other human beings, especially once people are out of school and in the workforce. There’s no excuse for being lazy, stupid, and a buttface.

Read a book, for Christ’s sake. But not Twilight, it won’t help you here.