I Want Jay and Bey to Help Me With My Bills, Bills, Bills

As I’m trying to dispel the feeling of buyers remorse after dropping $130 at Old Navy on a work break, I gazed at my Facebook feed and found a picture of Beyonce and (presumably) Jay-Z – the latter seeming to sport a shirt that reads on the back, “BILLIONAIRY.”

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It got me thinking the obvious, Wow, they have so much more money than we do. And there he is, showing exactly that, without even having to stare me in the face. What I just threw down at a goddamn Old Navy wouldn’t even register on their bank account. That’s if they have a bank account. At this point, I doubt it. I imagine money just gets injected into their veins now, literally making them of money. The cash flows hard with these ones.

I, on the other hand, pushed our banking boundaries and burned our plastic on jeans, a cardigan, and two shirts. All of which are necessary for our honeymoon coming up. We live a California life, people, and we hear Alaska calls for thicker denim. Plus, it’s our honeymoon, shouldn’t we splurge toward looking good? YES. However, I had to stick with my list and not stray, which is so hard when I haven’t been shopping at stores other than Ross, Marshalls, or TJMaxx in about a year. It went something like –

[Ground floor] Dear God, it’s all on sale and decently priced. NO. You’re such a cotton whore, you cute striped dress! I DON’T NEED YOU BUT I WANT YOU. (backs away slowly) Where the hell is the mens section? Hubby needs some bootcuts. Ah, the escalator.

[Second floor] Of course the mens section is on the goddamn 3rd floor. Time to walk through all the adorable swimsuits. Polka dots are mocking me. Look straight ahead. (GASP!) SANDALS. No. Stop. Escalator, now.

[Third floor] Where the shit am I? Ah, a wall of jeans. Done.

Repeat process backwards.

It’s fairly easy to assume Mr. and Mrs. Carter haven’t had this problem in a good 10-15 years. So I get to thinking, where does all their piles of extra money go? Blue Ivy has certainly taken her fair share, but they have BUTTLOADS of cash. Surely they could discard some of it to make some peoples’ lives (cough-look here-cough) much less stressful.

What if there was a lottery every month where they gave one lucky person $10,000? Shit, even $1,000 would be amazing. I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt them. Am I being totally insensitive here? It’s their hard earned cash, sure, but how cool would it be if celebrities just randomly gave an average Joe a lump sum of money, no strings attached? FUCKING cool. That’s how. I wouldn’t even feel bad taking it, like I usually would, because Jay’s hat and Bey’s glasses combined probably cost more than six months worth of our rent. And I’m sure they got them for free. Big, deep, stomach-wrenching sigh.

In conclusion, this is a genius idea and I’d like to be the first “random.”

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Say my name, say my name.*

*I couldn’t help it.

 

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Who Runs the World? Beyonce’s Marketing Team. That’s Who.

In case you’ve been living under a rock (aka, you don’t venture on the internet, ever), the magnanimous Beyonce Knowles-Z released a surprise album at midnight last Friday morning. It’s a full album accompanied by completed music videos – a “visual album,” as its being called.

Of course, the Internet blew its load when word got out, and it’s a fairly ballsy move at first thought. But then, given a few days to let it sink in, it’s the perfect formula for this generation of consumers. Take a walk with me Power strut with me.

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The internet hosts a new type of culture, mainly an era of #FOMO (the fear of missing out). We have Twitter, 24/7 news programs, dedicated websites, and TMZ all promoting the idea of breaking news and “see/hear it here first!” If someone doesn’t, you’re labelled as a loser and one of your friends will disgustingly look at you like, “WHAT? OMG srsly?? #DYING” and then eye-roll you into the ground.

Take, for instance, when any prominent celebrity dies. People go apeshit over someone they didn’t give two licks about five seconds ago, but suddenly they become this dead person’s biggest fan – or, at least, for the moment so they can be on #trend. You know, some people are actually sad by this kind of news, but most of the time, the people who actually bother to post or tweet are – likely – looking more for “likes” and retweets than they are sympathetic. My favorite was after Paul Walker’s untimely death just a few weeks ago, someone posted a Facebook status along the lines of, “RIP Paul Walker. You were so hot :-(”

what

And so it goes these days.

Over the past decade or so, album sales have steadily declined, and audiences are far more inclined to stream music via Spotify or YouTube. So, the million dollar question is, what’s the new secret to selling?

Ladies and gents, Beyonce (or perhaps the credit goes toward her “people”) totally found it.

How do you capitalize on a generation that won’t give you more than an inch of attention for more than 24 hours? How do you sell, sell, sell and move numbers fast enough to the point where people aren’t even really aware that they’re spending money because they’re too concerned they’ll miss out?

By releasing a visual album at midnight in which people have to buy it in order to talk about it. Want only your favorite songs or videos? Nope. You have to wait two weeks, because that’s when they’ll be up for individual sale. But no one likes to wait two weeks anymore, right? RIGHT. Fucking genius.

Beys album sold about 430,000 units in roughly one day. 24 hours. Did everyone listen/watch it? Maybe. Does it matter? No. Is the music really good and the videos, too? Maybe. Does it matter? Not at all. Not when the real story here is the shock value.

I can’t get over how brilliant this move was for Beyonce. I didn’t buy her album, because I’m not a die-hard Bey fan. I’m definitely more of a singles girl when it comes to her music. But I respect the shit out of her and her work ethic. The woman is a force of nature. I do, however, find it fascinating that this midnight release caused such a crazy uproar. But only someone with the star power of Beyonce could’ve made so many people fork up $16 to own something they never even heard yet. I just hope they aren’t looking for a refund, because the internet doesn’t do refunds. Which is why this was SO GODDAMN GENIUS.

A sure win, money-making, marketing machine.

Will this ever work again? I honestly doubt it. I think this was a one time thing, and it worked. It worked hard and good. Is this album Beyonce’s best? Probably not, though I LOVE the idea of more visual albums. Most reviewers have been blowing their load over it since its surprise release, but are they impressed with her work or her strategy? Perhaps it’s too early to tell.

Regardless, this stunt hit the generational bullseye and I must applaud Bey and her team of geniuses for their contribution to entertainment and internet culture. You guys literally pulled a fast one on everybody.

Until next time, Bey will just be all like:

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And, hey, I think we all owe Bey a huge THANK YOU for finally putting an end to all of the Miley Cyrus headlines. Keep it up, Bey. You’re fucking amazing.

I Just Don’t Believe That Beyonce Drinks Pepsi.

I’m getting a little tired of seeing Beyonce’s face everywhere, and I never thought I’d say that about the Queen Bey.

Between Pepsi, H&M, and her general ruling of the world, I can’t help but feel like she’s been watching me…or following me. I only hope my life has been bootylicious enough for her.

All that being said, her promotional ads haven’t been too great for Pepsi.

Because nothing says, “I just got a P in my B” like this photo right here.

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Took her totally by surprise and she’s not even sure if she likes it yet.

I really hate this dumb, shocked look that women resort to in advertising. Fuck that.

Give ’em a look that says, “Fuck your flash. I will take none of your shit, cameraman.”

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Attagirl, Bey.

H&M grants your temporary redemption.

This is why Coca-Cola is better, you guys. Except when Britney was the face of Pepsi, of course.

 

Go Home, Beyonce. You’re Drunk.

You really needed to do this?

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You, Miss Queen Bey, of all artists in the entertainment industry, never, EVER needed to wear sparkly nipples on an iceskating costume while working your divaness on stage. Leave this type of nonsense for Lady Gaga, Nicki Ninaj, or Michelle Kwan.

And don’t even get me started on the shitty anatomical nature of those nips. The right one is literally trying to drag itself off of that horrendous outfit.

C’mon, Mrs. Carter. You are far too classy for this piece of crap. I think you’ve let Sascha Fierce go too far. What would Beyonce think?

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Exactly.

I dare you to sing “Halo” or “Single Ladies” or “Who Run The World” in that silly fucking costume.

Nope. Not taking you seriously.

 

Happy Single Awareness Day, Everyone.

It’s fucking Valentine’s Day.

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Let me start off by saying I’m happily taken and have been so for three and half years, so this day is pretty Switzerland to me. I’m fairly neutral. Could take it or leave it in terms of flowers and cards and dinners and such. Chocolates, however, GIVE THEM TO MEEEE. I’m not going to say no to chocolates. Mike – CHOCOLATES.

But even having a good man by my side, there’s always so much anxiety around the whole Valentine’s Day thing. When growing up, V-Day is this really sweet, group show of love, where everyone brought Valentines to school in bulk and handed them out to their whole class. So by the end of the day you had racked up around 40 or so little pieces of forced love with shitty handwriting and your name spelled wrong. It was aahhhhhhhmazing.

Then you hit puberty and you’re like FUCK. It would mean more if this guy/girl gave me a Valentine, and if so then WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?1

Then you get your first boyfriend and you’re like YES. This is fucking awesome! I’m guaranteed flowers, a card, and chocolates!

And then you get broken up with and you’re like FUCK THIS SHIT. This is never what St. Valentine meant, Hallmark is such a dickface, and I’m gonna die alone.

But then you feel like you’ve conquered your independent single-hood, you’ve developed a real kinship with Beyonce’s music, and you’re more like I DON’T NEED A MAN, JUST A BOTTLE OF WINE. And suddenly your girlfriends are far more important to you than ever on V-Day so you start celebrating ovaries over brovaries while chugging said bottle of wine and watching “The Notebook”, only to later cry about how no one will ever – EVER – amount to the man that Ryan Gosling is. And you’re right.

Currently, you’re either in this boat or you’re in a relationship. And if you’re in the latter, you’re one of two people: 1) You expect a damn good Valentine’s Day and you’re going to make sure everyone on your social media networks know about it, good or bad, or 2) It’s a fun day to wear red and show a little extra love but you could really give two shits.

Now that the V-Day bases have been covered, most people are probably scrambling to find the perfect e-card to send to that someone (not so) special. Well look no further because I’ve got a fucking TREAT.

Here are 9 Valentine’s Day cards to send to the love(s) of your life. (You’re welcome, procrastinators.)

Batman

Best i can do

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Dwight

homeland nic cage ron swanson

And lastly, you didn’t think I could go through V-Day without him, right? Because Ryan Gosling.

ryan gosling

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

It’s Black History Month! Let’s See How People Are Celebrating.

It’s February and that means America and Canada decided to dedicate a whole month to honoring Black History. A whole MONTH. Can you imagine what it was like in the fake meeting room when they created Black History Month?

White Guy 1: “Hey fellas, anyone else still feel bad for the whole slavery thing? We should do something about it.”

White Guy 2: “Super duper idea! Maybe we should give them a month to do black stuff?”

White Guy 3: “That’s a damn good idea. But let’s give them February because I can’t take a whole 30 days.”

In actuality, Black History Month was created in 1976 as an expansion of what was Negro History Week (yea, that’s right – I’m not just a pretty face). Maybe someday the Mexicans will get their own month, too, after all the illegal alien shit is figured out and we aren’t tazing them for mowing our lawns or cleaning our bathrooms. Progress, people! Just keep moving forward.

Regardless of the fact that our black brothers and sisters get the shortest month of the year to celebrate and acknowledge great accomplishments in American history, let’s take a peek at what this fine month has to offer!

Hey, the Mexicans are excited! Or this is a Canadian school and they’ve never seen a Mexican or an African so they just went for it.

This would be more true if it were written on the front. Besides, this shirt just makes me want to invite you over for game night…or basketball? And PS: I have this shirt, too.

Disney is celebrating in typical Disney fashion. Though they’re usually way more subliminal than this.

Too long, guys.

Well this is just straight up peacocking. (GET IT??! NBC…peacock…peacocking…OMFG.)

Of course the Academy would do this. At least they love Denzel.

Exactly, Ms. Parks. Ladies, we can all learn something from this woman.

And finally, let’s bring in God.

There isn’t anything stupid about this picture, I just really love Morgan Freeman.

Black history IS American history, so take this wonderful month of February to keep celebrating the incredible strength and courage of our African American forefathers and foremothers. Plus, Beyonce. So really, it should just be another day – but with way more rhythm, athleticism, and far better dance moves.

5 Reasons Why Beyonce Literally SHUT IT DOWN at the Super Bowl.

In case you were making camp under a rock yesterday, the Super Bowl happened and that means a halftime show was lavishly presented.

Since my Niners lost, I’m going to make myself feel better by providing you with my five favorite moments from Beyonce’s fierce as fuck halftime show. Granted, my only non-favorite part was her ending it all with “Halo”. NO, Bey. You end your shit with uptempo craziness like the rest of your fierce as fuck show, dammit. But I digress.

Let’s not waste another second, Bey ain’t got time for that!

1. Bey entering with her hand on her hip not giving a fuck standing in front of a giant outline of herself, or what could possibly be an Arby’s sign.

The 33 Fiercest Moments From Beyoncé's Halftime Show

But then she was like, HOLD UP. Taco Bell, bitches. It’s about to get muy caliente!

 

2. Then the camera panned out and showed us two unnecessary faces. 

I assumed they were there for 3 reasons:

a) They were symbolic of Beyonce and her alter ego, Sasha Fierce.

b) They were Bey’s security as they anxiously awaited Bane’s inevitable entrance (which didn’t happen, sigh).

c) They were going to eat Beyonce during her finale to then create an all-powerful Beyonce that would rid the world of Jennifer Lopez. I’m really disappointed this one didn’t go down.

 

3. Beyonce likely whipping people’s eyes with her hair.

The 33 Fiercest Moments From Beyoncé's Halftime Show

 

4. DESTINY’S CHILD HAPPENED.

But more importantly, Michelle was launched out on stage in heels, totally calm and cool like it never even happened.

The 33 Fiercest Moments From Beyoncé's Halftime Show

 

5. THIS. This walk right here.

And that hair flip, even though her hair wasn’t anywhere near her face while she walked. IT DIDN’T MATTER DAMMIT.

 

Obviously, then the lights went out in the stadium because Beyonce LITERALLY SHUT SHIT DOWN.

 

Even though the 34 minute blackout was extremely uncomfortable to sit through listening to all the commentators basically saying, “There seems to be a black out, which means the lights aren’t on. I’ve informed the coaches” (THANK GOD FOR YOU), it’s got to be the highlight of Beyonce’s career knowing she shut the power down in half the stadium at the Super Bowl.

Hi Taylor Swift, It’s Singlehood – Let’s Be Friends?

Here’s a piece of news you could give a shit about: Taylor Swift is apparently not in a relationship, right this second.

Okay, maybe she’s with someone right this second – but I swear to God she wasn’t last night.

Anyway, this is my half-hearted plea – NAY, my challenge – for Taylor Swift to remain single for 2013. And I only say this because I imagine Taylor must have some kind of celebrity man-list that she keeps inside her guitar and now she’s plotting her next musical muse, like so.

It’s even her favorite shade of lipstick.

Here’s the thing, I really don’t think Taylor’s a bad person. She seems like a decent role model for the young ‘uns these days (am I 70-years old now?) and she’s got that cute girl, “it’s cool to wear dresses past your knees!” vibe going that I never had when I was in high school. No, I had Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and a whored up Jessica Simpson shoving their perfect fucking abs in my face. Fuck your perfect fucking abs, Britney! Wait…I don’t mean that. I love you, Brit. I miss you, come back to us. What was I talking about?

Taylor. You suffer from Relationship Relapse. You always, always seem to want a guy around to be in love with and curl your hair for.

This is my message to you.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone, but you know what’s more important than finding the right guy? Finding your right self. Oh yea…I’m going there.

What’s up with Taylor? What does Taylor like? What’s Taylor’s guilty pleasure television show? DO STUFF BY YOURSELF. Go see a movie, rent a movie, watch a television series at home with just a box of Oreos. It’s way too much fun, I tell ya. Sure, you feel kinda sick afterwards, but that’s what the giant jug of milk is for! Goes down smooth and does a body good.

Taylor, I’m going to confide something that you may not be aware of. It’s just for you and me, a fun gal secret. Ready? ‘Kay. Here goes.

There are other songs you can write other than break up songs.

FUCKIN A, right? Put away your Adele albums, it’s just not fair for you. Time to acquaint yourself with Destiny’s Child. Or just become friends with Beyonce. She knows what’s up.

Here’s a list of songs to get you started:

1. “Independent Women” – Destiny’s Child

2. “Man, I Feel Like A Woman” – Shania Twain

3. “Wannabe” – Spice Girls

4. “This One’s For The Girls” – Martina McBride

5. “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” – Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin (how can you go wrong?)

6. “I’m Every Woman” – Chaka Khan

7. “U.N.I.T.Y.” – Queen Latifah

8. “Bug-A-Boo” – Destiny’s Child

9. “So What” – Pink

10. “Single Ladies” – Beyonce (just all Beyonce songs, in general, really.)

So there you have it, Tay. Time to get out there on your own and live it up. Leave the boys alone, there’s plenty of them out there. Do you, whatever that may be (which I imagine is running in a meadow and making a headband out of daisies). Stop chasing famous penis and hang out with your girlfriends or your pal Justin Beiber, which is the same thing really. 

Regardless, I’m sure you’ll end up writing some kind of fun, catchy girl power song that I will want to hate but can’t help humming at work. So fuck you, in advance.

Buck up, Tay! Put your bright red lipstick back on and write about some self love. While you’re alone on a boat.

Ten bucks says her next album is called “Flying Ray.” Any takers?

The Golden Globes Are Already So Good This Year; Beyonce Is The Superbowl Halftime Show; and The Best Gangnam Mash Up Ever.

We have three topics to get through today, so let’s kick this bitch off right quick.

 

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Are Hosting The 70th Annual Golden Globes

Oh my God. OMG. OHMIGOD. Words cannot express how excited I am about this, so I’m just going to piss my pants and giggle like a stupid little schoolgirl with a bladder control problem.

HA! I totally have words – I have a blog, for fuck’s sake. How awesome is the best friendship of Tina and Amy? First off, according to the literary masterpiece of Bossypants, these two gal pals have known each other since their Chicago theater days. Before fame and fortune. Before SNL. They’re practically college best friends who’ve supported one another and worked together for decades. They got famous and hosted Weekend Update together. How great would it be to host Weekend Update with your BEST FRIEND? Oh wait, probably not as cool as starring in the hit movie Baby Mama with your BEST FRIEND. And now they get to host the motherfuckin’ Golden Globes together – AS BEST FRIENDS.

Amy, Tina – if you can hear me. Recruit me as your best friend. If you just give me a chance, I promise you’ll want to take vacations with me.

 

Beyonce Is Performing At The Superbowl

The internet once again wins at leaking very important information. Apparently, Beyonce will be our halftime entertainment at the Superbowl XLVII, but official word isn’t coming out until tomorrow. Or so the internet says.

I’m totally okay with Beyonce being the halftime entertainment, she’s a kickass live performer from what I’ve gotten out of watching TV and hearing my rich friends gloat about their concert experiences. I expect a lot of hair and giant fans blowing Bey’s hair. But she needs to stick to her upbeat songs, NO R&B BULLSHIT. This is fuckin’ football and people will be drinking beer – not wine, not Courvoisier. I also have a request for Bey:  Please bring out Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams for some Destiny’s Child mind-blowing, ’90s/’00s awesomeness. Performing “Survivor” with your best gal pals will empower my ovaries to punch everyone in the face. It’ll be a good time.

Also, Bey – I know you’re friends with Kanye but if you bring him with you, we’re all gonna be like:

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Ghostbusters, Meet The Crazy Asian Influence of Gangnam Style

Jammin’ this all day.

 

What Am I Looking At?

Today, let’s take a moment to stop and think about why something looks the way that it does. Mrs. Beyonce-Z will be our guest of honor.

Bey, will you step up here for me please?

Why are you doing that? I don’t understand, and I’m literally in agonizing pain just looking at the pretzel you made of yourself.

I can imagine Bey was all like, “I’m from Texas, now hold on, let me just find my comfy place. Gonna lay right here…and twist my legs like so…casually grab my foot with my Terminator glove…feels fantastic. Doesn’t everyone lounge around their batrillion dollar homes like this? By the way, have you seen my baby? She’s my single lady.”

Whatever the case may be, I give her credit for being able to separate the top half of her body from the bottom half. She is pure magic.