It’s the End of My Twenties And I Feel Fine

Today marks the start of my dirty thirties. I am 30 years old. Thirty. Three-zero. Fourth decade of life.

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Alright I went too far with that last one, because that’s some freaky shit right there.

What better time to revive my hilarious and not-award-winning blog? Exactly. Glad we’re on the same page again, readers. And by readers, I mean my mom. Hi mom.

It seems pretty standard for people to lose their shit when one of these milestone birthdays peer deep into their souls and cause them to stare in a mirror, crying about all the insane expectations we had when we were younger about where we’d be at 30. Hey, weren’t you supposed to be an astronaut and take a few spins around Mars like, five years ago? No? What a loser.

What I learned in my twenties was to scrap all your preconditioned ideas about what you’re supposed to be, where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed be, how you’re supposed to be, and why you’re supposed to be at a certain age. It’s just total bullshit to have those expectations because the best parts of life are the unexpected moments and people who rock your world without any formulated plans.

My boss, Ron Swanson, gave me the perfect gift to accompany this wisdom. Lagavulin 16 scotch whisky and a note that ended with OMNIA PARATUS: Ready for anything.

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In my now thirty years, I’d like to think one of my best qualities is being scrappy, an improv master, and all around make it work aficionado. Our teachers, parents, and coworkers will continuously tell us to ask as many questions as possible. No question is dumb, they said. I’m here to offer an amendment to this rule: take some time to think, let shit sink in, because you can probably answer the question yourself. Or just fucking Google it. Whatever means you choose, you are capable of being the answer, the solution, the method. Find your way, goddammit.

Here’s a list of 15 things I want to achieve this decade, no questions asked:

1. Visit my homeland, Ireland, and relish in all the pale glory.
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2. Watch more good television, and stop assuming Parks & Recreation is still going on.
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3. Start writing a best-selling novel that JK Rowling lauds as the best thing since Harry Potter.
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4. Start writing my biography that will become a feature film starring my celebrity twin, Emma Stone. Emma Watson will be my second choice, but only if she keeps the British accent.

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5. Work with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
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6. Become best friends with above.
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7. Be the “Freakshow” guest at Britney’s Piece of Me show and be whipped by a fucking goddess.
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8. Become best friends with above and begin concocting a plan to unite her and Justin in holy matrimony.
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9. Invent a flying car so we can do this future shit right already.
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10. Become an Avenger. I already have hardware in my back, Stan Lee. Come at me.
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11. Witness Leonardo DiCaprio win an Oscar.
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12. Be in the audience and watch my brothers HardNox perform on Saturday Night Live.
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13. Finally have that sleepover party with my BFF Miri (Jennifer Lawrence, for those out of the loop).
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14. Play Tina Fey in her lifetime movie about her beginnings and career. I’d be so good, you don’t even know.
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15. Experience 7 minutes in heaven with Ryan Gosling. My husband is fully supportive of this.
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This will be a piece of cake.

Unnnghh…cake.

Happy Birthday, Britney Spears! My Top 10 Favorite Music Videos from the Holy Spearit.

December is a holy month for so many reasons. First, there’s Jesus. He was born of a virgin, died for our sins, came back from the dead, and became the second most famous person in the universe.

Of course, the single most famous person in the world was also born in the month of December, and today is her birthday.

BRITNEY SPEARS.

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This should come as no surprise to my readers, as I made my blogmission of undying love to the Holy Spearit a while back. Refresher.

In honor of God’s great achievement in entertainment history, present, and future (I’m talking about Britney, ya’ll), I’m listing off my 10 favorite Brit-Brit music videos. I warn you, this was really fucking hard for me to determine, because I pretty much love every goddamn video this woman has released. But, sometimes in life you have to make some hard decisions. SOOOOOMMEETTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMESS.

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Thanks to this video, I’ve never been able to approach a pier the same ever again. (“Where are all the dancers in white? Something is wrong.”)

Now, if you disagree with my rankings, or think I’ve left out a contender (let’s face it, that’s going to happen – WHY DID I ONLY PICK TEN?), I hope you won’t hold it against me. Making this list drove me crazy, as if it was just me against the music. But I made this blog because I was born to make you happy, and it’s toxic, I know. Regardless if you think I’m a criminal for missing any, I’m just trying to work, bitch.

That came to me far too easy. LET’S DO THIS.

10. “Do Somethin'”

This song and video are wildly underrated, and underplayed. Back when I was a dance teacher, I used to spin this baby on repeat in my classes. PUMP UP MAH JAM. Plus, look at how much fun she is having! Gotta love Playfulney.

 

9. “Work Bitch”

Let’s be real, we were all wondering what Britney would do next and how she would present herself. Her answer? Whips, leashes, exploding mannequins, and a mothafuckin’ Vegas residency. THAT is how you promote an album, ladies and gents. Plus, she is smokin’ hot, and giving me the motivation to get a goddamn promotion.

 

8. “Circus”

I hate making this list, because amazing videos like “Circus” end up in a spot like #8. I love this video, I love the sparks, I love Ringleaderney, I love the top hat, I love the lighting, and I love her in that coat. Plus, chair dance Britney strikes again! I’m beginning to think the main ingredients in her perfumes are peaches and glitter.

 

7. “Slave 4 U”

It could be snowing outside and this video would still never fail to make me yank off my scarf and fan myself. This is one of those costume design conversations that probably went something like:

“Hey, what do you think of putting this pink lacy thong over pants?”

“That’s ridiculous and will never work.”

“It’s for Britney to wear.”

“Yes, that’s a gold mine.”

 

6. “Oops!…I Did It Again”

When I first heard the title of this song, I thought it was a joke. Now? Legendary. Should’ve won so many VMAs. Remember when this (and almost all of Brit’s videos) were part of the “Making the Video” MTV show, back when MTV fulfilled its name? This was an excellent episode. The camera fell on Britney during the “star” scene. Never forget.

 

5. “Everytime”

Pardon me while I go cry. This video was such an immense break from Brit’s dance-packed material, and the concept is incredibly heavy. This is ranked #5 based solely on my emotional attachment to Britney, and how difficult it must’ve been to put herself in this deep scenario. Gah. LOOK! A baby. Feel better?

 

4. “…Baby One More Time”

I mean, COME ON. In all honesty, this should probably be ranked higher based on the fact that this is iconic, and it was also the last video shown on the greatest MTV program of all time, TRL. I’m pretty sure male attendance at Catholic high schools skyrocketed after this premiere. See? GODNEY.

 

3. “Me Against the Music”

Britney. Madonna. Britney AND Madonna. Amazing choreography, awesome dancers, great song. For me, this is a no-brainer. I could watch it all day.

 

2. “(You Drive Me) Crazy”

Although I tried to learn all of Brit’s dance moves via tape recording (didn’t you hate it when Carson Daly would only drop a snippet of a TRL video and not the whole thing? STFU.), this was the video that really did me in – I knew this dance from top to bottom. I even performed a little bit from the chorus at my wedding reception. And, hey! There’s even something for the guys in this video – check out that cleavage during the chair routine. Not gonna lie. I did, too. CHESTNEY.

 

2. “Toxic”

Yes, you read that correctly. There’s two #2’s. I could not decide how to cut one of these beauties, so I cheated and allowed a tie. You have to admit, this is a really great tie. The “Toxic” video is perfect for the song. It’s an awesome marriage between visual dreams and audio nirvana. And who would’ve thought Miss Spears looked so great as a redhead? I would be much more inclined to fly often if Brit was a stewardess. SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

 

1. “Stronger”

This is my ultimate Britney video obsession. She just kicks so much ass in this, and she looks amaaaaaaaazing. As someone who danced for nearly 20 years, I have the upmost respect for this video, but she also completely slays the choreography and emotion of the song. Great pop song, even better pop video. It’s just Britney dancing, pure and simple. Plus, she made talking to a chair cool before Clint Eastwood ever did.

 

Honorable Mentions: “Born to Make You Happy,” “If U Seek Amy,” “I Wanna Go.”

 

 

I Want My MTV Back.

It’s been a few days since the 2013 VMAs, a show I didn’t watch but the internet wasted no time in catching me up. The line-up for this year’s show seemed relatively boring to me, and I knew if I really wanted to see NSYNC, I could just wait until the morning.

I used to get really excited for this awards show, it was the pinnacle for me, combining all the bubblegum popstars with all the aggressive and plaid clad rockers. It was the only night where all these musical beings could be under one roof, watching each other, trying to vie for the best showman. Between tightly choreographed routines and smashing guitars, to dancing midgets and Garth Algar (aka, Dana Carvey) playing drums with U2, the VMAs used to be the coolest show on the planet.

But, over the past many years, the MTV VMAs have declined into something incredibly uninspiring. This has been written about before, so I don’t think I’ll find many naysayers after that statement, especially if you were a teenager in the mid- to late- ’90s.

Granted, I wasn’t as in-tuned to the VMAs when they were concepted in 1984, since I was just a mere fetus at that point. But the first VMA I specifically remember watching was in 1997, just after Notorious B.I.G. died, and Puff Daddy, Faith Evans (Biggie’s widow), 112, and Sting performed “I’ll Be Missing You.” It was one for the books, and surprisingly moving. I also recall Fiona Apple winning Best New Artist and telling us all the “world is bullshit,” which I found slightly frightening as a 12-year old.

Besides Puff, my favorite performance in ’97 was Marilyn Manson’s “Beautiful People,” because that song was – nay, is – so badass, and he rocked it, even though his entire schtick made me pee myself a little in terror. Other performers that year included Beck, Jamiroquai, Spice Girls, U2, Jewel, Missy Elliot & Co. (“Ladies’ Night”), and The Wallflowers with Bruce Springsteen. What a smorgasbord, right?

It’s no wonder One Direction won for Song of the Summer this year, what I assume is the new Viewers’ Choice award. That’s the demographic these days. Back in my teenage days, the fan battles might’ve waged between Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Britney, Christina, etc, but there was more than just a bubblegum presence. Much of the time, Eminem, Ludacris, Papa Roach, Limp Bizkit, Outkast, Missy Elliot, P.O.D., Korn, Jay-Z, and Linkin Park would rattle the pop genre’s dominance. TRL was chock full of variety, because MTV related to the prim and proper, as well as the rebellious and weird.

For me, the last great VMA was back in 2000. It featured one of my favorite performances, ever, by Ms. Britney Spears, and seems like the last of its kind.

Just for shits and giggles, let’s compare last Sunday’s list of performers to 13 years ago:

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Hey, MTV. Rap and pop music are not the only genres thriving (and I use “thriving” loosely) in the industry today. Why were we all subject to hearing the songs that are played 50 million times a day on all those “HOT Z100” radio stations?

Now, here’s a list of the 2013 VMA Best Rock Video nominees that weren’t performers (hell, 30 Seconds to Mars won this category and only presented), but should’ve been so that we could’ve had a fucking VARIETY of music played:

Fall Out Boy — “My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)”

Imagine Dragons — “Radioactive”

Mumford & Sons — “I Will Wait”

Vampire Weekend — “Diane Young”

I don’t even know what the fuck that last song is, but just throw a band a fucking bone, MTV. Are the VMAs doing so badly that you can’t afford some decent rock music? Fall Out Boy’s song is pretty epic, and it’s a bit of a comeback for them. They were MTV darlings at one point, give them the stage. Imagine Dragons has had one of the biggest years, commercially, so they should’ve been a no-brainer. Mumford & Sons probably knew better.

I understand JT got the coveted Vanguard award, but did he need all that time? We all know he’s talented and deserves his spot in the industry, so how about letting some other folks shine for a few minutes?

The VMAs used to be the “cool” music show, but now I’d actually rather watch the Grammy’s, because at least I’ll be exposed to more music and genres. I find it sad that the Grammy now shines brighter than the once-great moonman.

All that being said, this whole post might as well be a waste of typing since MTV hasn’t played music videos, or made them a big deal, in yeeeaaaarrrrsssss. Can we actually claim a decade now? Maybe even longer? Thus, the idea of producing a Video Music Award show is fucking stupid on their part. That would be like ABC Family having the AVN Awards – there’s no porn there, so why bother promoting it?

MTV, hear out your public: music videos are still relevant – in fact, in this YouTube generation, they might even be more popular. Bring back the excitement of music video storytelling on your channel, and not just from Gaga, Katy Perry, JT, and Miley, and maybe you’ll successfully be able to reinvent the VMAs.

Until then –

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My Undying Love For Britney, Bitch.

I tried to fight it, like everyone else. I really did. But back in middle school when “Baby, One More Time” came out and the world fell in love with Britney Spears, I was right on board.

Then the infamous Rolling Stone magazine cover came out and people flipped their shit assuming she got implants.

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Fuck you, Moms of the world. Every woman knows when she lays down with a PUSH UP BRA ON her boobs hike up the valley and become two mountainous peaks. It’s a goddamn good feeling, too. Give us confidence.

And then “Sometimes” and “You Drive Me Crazy” came out where Brit rocked the shit out of MTV.

Still there were questions about her boobies. There wasn’t, however, speculation regarding the fact that she’s a GROWING WOMAN and boobs totally keep sizing up until females are 25 years old. I would know. I’m a bit of a late bloomer.

I felt for Britney, though, because everyone was trying to tear her down when all she wanted to do was dance and entertain. And good LAWD, did she entertain.

I grew up on dance and was immersed in the art-sport up until graduating college. I’ve got mad respect for anyone who knows what a pirouette is or can make choreography come to life, and even more so when people want to imitate it. That’s the highest form of flattering. Plus, those abs. Brit had (and still has after TWO children) amaaaaaaazing abs. Crunches became cool thanks to Brit-Brit.

People even called her the next Madonna, but for me, Britney was the next Janet, and I was fliggin’, flaggin’ psyched.

She reigns as the queen of the VMAs (even though MTV was a dick and never gave her the earlier awards she deserved). This performance?

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Just about turned me gay.

Again, everyone went fucking out of their minds over how provocative Brit was and blah blah blah. Nowadays? This is tame. Brit was just ahead of her time.

Soon after, Britney released the music video for “Slave 4 U” and successfully caused all straight men to completely jizz themselves. She also inspired many girls to try wearing their underwear over their pants. Ladies, leave it to the professional. Brit knows what she’s doing.

And then Justin broke up with her and I can’t tell you how devastated I was about this. I was far too big of a Justin + Britney fan than was healthy for a human being. I already had their babies names picked out and was eagerly awaiting their engagement.

According to Justin and his first solo album, Britney cheated on him. “Cry Me A River” alluded to this, along with Britney’s own “Everytime.”

But FUCK THAT, I don’t think so, the timing was all too well planned for JT’s first solo debut album and his interview with Diane Sawyer pissed me off. Why’d you have to be such a dick about it, man? I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU.

I still am, you’re pretty cool. Nice moves, great music. But I kinda hate you a little, I know it’s not your fault, it’s super petty. It is what it is. But I don’t even think you’d deny that you dabble in douchebaggery at times. Let’s call it even?

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And then 2007 happened and Britney taught us all a lesson in crazy. We all know what went down, I don’t want to talk about it. What is worth mentioning, however, is while Britney was off barefoot talking to herself in a corner, she released her album Blackout and it kicked so much mothafuckin’ ass. My ab muscles craved every single one of those songs, and Brit reintroduced herself as the dance music queen of pop.

“Radar”? “Piece of Me”? “Gimme More”? “Toy Soldier”? “Break the Ice”? “Freakshow”? Are you kidding me?! Play, repeat.

Unfortunately, Brit was so fucked up in her personal life, dealing with quite possibly the worst bout of post-partum depression the world has ever witnessed, that Blackout didn’t get the attention it deserved.

Britney went to rehab and had to give her kids up to her father and her nasty-faced, can’t keep his dick down, asshole of an ex-husband K-Fed. I swear, if there was ever a time a bus should be in the right place at the right time, it’d be on that guy’s fucking face. Five years ago.

But then Circus came out and Brit was looking reminiscent of her old self. The videos for “Womanizer” and “Circus” were fantastic and the album continued to keep me in decent shape. Attagirl, Brit.

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And with this album came her documentary “On The Record,” which pretty much solidified the fact that I absolutely, 100% love Britney Spears and just want to give the girl a hug. She has been through the ringer and my God, someone be good to her, please! She cried, I cried. She said,

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And I hugged my TV and said, “JUSTIN DID THIS TO YOU.” Not really, but maybe a little. Nonetheless, I just wanted Britney to feel good about herself again, and this is something I think every human being goes through in life. She went through an incredibly public breakup, many of them (including two divorces), and had no idea what to do with herself. She needed to be a mom, but she didn’t seem to really have one for herself.

For the first time, Britney seemed like a real life female, someone you want to invite over for a girls’ night because you know that’s exactly what she needs. And after watching “On The Record,” I finally got over my guilty pleasure of loving Britney and went total full disclosure. Yep, I dig Britney Spears, ya’ll. I don’t care who the fuck knows it.

With Femme Fatale, Britney proved she can still kick ass in the studio even if her life is slowly being rebuilt. I swear, the strength in that woman is bigger than any of us know.

So here I am, eagerly awaiting what’s next for Miss Britney Spears. In the meantime, hey Brit, find good people and keep dancing. Seriously, take a number from Janet and kick off the stilettos. Get in some comfy shoes so you can dance with confidence again. I know you fucked up your knee, and that’s why it makes no sense for you to dance in heels anymore. Also, strengthen your voice. You’ve got one, but Jive Records beat it out of you. Try to find it again.

And while I’m suggesting good ideas, you should find Bradley Cooper and show him your YouTube channel.

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I think you two would really hit it off – and this goes without knowing either of you personally, so this could be the real deal. He’s hot, you’re hot. He’s been through shit, you’ve definitely been through shit. I bet he’d be good to your kiddies, too. Plus, you guys would combine your superhuman abs to make the most incredible baby in the world – probably named Clark Kent. Or Thor.

In conclusion, Britney is a goddess and deserves all the happiness in the world.

Besides, no other artist will ever have a better tagline.

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12 Ways To Take Advantage Of Today’s Numerical Power of 12.

It’s 12/12/12 so that means it’s more possible to do whatever you want in life today than any other day. It’s a very different day, today. Very, very different.

Things to try today because they require numerical magic:

1. Sneeze with your eyes open.

2. Lick your elbow.

3. Ride a unicorn.

4. Take a graduate class at Hogwarts.

5. Use above class skills to rid the world of Twilight.

6. Find Britney Spears, give her a hug, and train her to dance again.

7. Learn how to fly by flapping your arms.

8. Have sex with Ryan Gosling.

9. Merge into traffic like you’re in a bumper car.

10. Punch Christina Aguilera in her left boob.

11. Cancel all the Kardashian shows from E!

12. Win the lottery. TELL NO ONE.

Life is short, isn’t that what they say? I think it’s average height, nearing tall. I also believe in this.