I Want Jay and Bey to Help Me With My Bills, Bills, Bills

As I’m trying to dispel the feeling of buyers remorse after dropping $130 at Old Navy on a work break, I gazed at my Facebook feed and found a picture of Beyonce and (presumably) Jay-Z – the latter seeming to sport a shirt that reads on the back, “BILLIONAIRY.”


It got me thinking the obvious, Wow, they have so much more money than we do. And there he is, showing exactly that, without even having to stare me in the face. What I just threw down at a goddamn Old Navy wouldn’t even register on their bank account. That’s if they have a bank account. At this point, I doubt it. I imagine money just gets injected into their veins now, literally making them of money. The cash flows hard with these ones.

I, on the other hand, pushed our banking boundaries and burned our plastic on jeans, a cardigan, and two shirts. All of which are necessary for our honeymoon coming up. We live a California life, people, and we hear Alaska calls for thicker denim. Plus, it’s our honeymoon, shouldn’t we splurge toward looking good? YES. However, I had to stick with my list and not stray, which is so hard when I haven’t been shopping at stores other than Ross, Marshalls, or TJMaxx in about a year. It went something like –

[Ground floor] Dear God, it’s all on sale and decently priced. NO. You’re such a cotton whore, you cute striped dress! I DON’T NEED YOU BUT I WANT YOU. (backs away slowly) Where the hell is the mens section? Hubby needs some bootcuts. Ah, the escalator.

[Second floor] Of course the mens section is on the goddamn 3rd floor. Time to walk through all the adorable swimsuits. Polka dots are mocking me. Look straight ahead. (GASP!) SANDALS. No. Stop. Escalator, now.

[Third floor] Where the shit am I? Ah, a wall of jeans. Done.

Repeat process backwards.

It’s fairly easy to assume Mr. and Mrs. Carter haven’t had this problem in a good 10-15 years. So I get to thinking, where does all their piles of extra money go? Blue Ivy has certainly taken her fair share, but they have BUTTLOADS of cash. Surely they could discard some of it to make some peoples’ lives (cough-look here-cough) much less stressful.

What if there was a lottery every month where they gave one lucky person $10,000? Shit, even $1,000 would be amazing. I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt them. Am I being totally insensitive here? It’s their hard earned cash, sure, but how cool would it be if celebrities just randomly gave an average Joe a lump sum of money, no strings attached? FUCKING cool. That’s how. I wouldn’t even feel bad taking it, like I usually would, because Jay’s hat and Bey’s glasses combined probably cost more than six months worth of our rent. And I’m sure they got them for free. Big, deep, stomach-wrenching sigh.

In conclusion, this is a genius idea and I’d like to be the first “random.”


Say my name, say my name.*

*I couldn’t help it.