Cats Can Be Such Assholes.

Whatever happened to the old cartoon-type relationship between cats and dogs? Movies and television offer us the stereotypical depiction of the hierarchy of cats and dogs. Dog sees Cat (or Cat pisses off Dog), Dog chases Cat, but Dog never catches up with Cat, because Cat is sly as fuck.

Nowadays, I feel like dogs put up with a lot of shit from the internet’s most beloved and favorite animal.

Case in point.

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Cat: And now I’m gonna fuck with your paw in 3, 2,….

Dog: I hate all things.

 

This Is My Lazy Post.

Whatever.

Are you reading this part? Probably not. Just went straight for the image. Good call. My fingers are tired. Why is the Shift button so far from the rest of the letters? It’s just abnormal for my left pinky to reach back all that way, only to stretch my left index finger to the T. Fuck you, keyboard inventor person. It’s just confusing what’s going on by my right hand, way too many punctuation marks.

Life is hard.

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Yep.

13 Products With Discreet Names.

I’m being sarcastic. These names are dirty and whorish.

Anytime I see such hilariously named products, I feel like brand marketing isn’t such a hard career to chase. Because I’m pretty sure all these items below were named by drunk college kids who haven’t picked their major yet.

Side note: Thirteen is my favorite number. It’s notorious for being unlucky and creepy and therefore I’ve taken it under my wing and have been raising its self-esteem since I was in 4th grade.

Here are 13 of the most fucked up products I Googled today. (Because what else is Google here for?)

baby fingering product

For white babies, which makes sense because all the pedophiles in the world are caucasian men. This is science.

black kid's computer desk

It seems that affirmative action shit might be working. Keep those black kids in school, Target!

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I am sickened with myself that I want to try one. Are they hairy? Might be a dealbreaker.

funny-names-28

That’s the longest nipple I’ve ever seen outside of a National Geographic.

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That Minnow Shot part is a real fucking buzzkill.

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This is perfect marketing. I salute you, Watson.

maybe-you-touched-your-genitals-washing-gel

This should come in a gift bag with the Hand Job gloves.

Pedo packaging

WHITE BABIES OF COURSE. But by the look on those babies’ faces, no one is being taken advantage of.

princess leia statue box

Ahhh…

mr bean

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Jane Seymour’s other line of jewelry. Don’t try to be romantic and sophisticated, Jane. WE’VE ALL SEEN YOUR BOOBS. Kitty Cat.

pussi food

Look at those whore eyes.

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Let’s just call it what it is. Truth in marketing.

WTF-product-names20

While I love the rhyming, this totally makes me want to projectile vomit.

Forever 21 Is A Pain In My Ass.

Something is definitely wrong with fashion when I don’t have to go to Goodwill or Salvation Army to find an ugly sweater for an ugly sweater party.

When I realized I didn’t have an ugly sweater to wear to the traditional holiday party, the first store I thought of within walking distance of my office building was Forever 21 (or XXI Forever – ugh.). And sure enough, as I browsed their online selection of sweaters I found plenty to choose from for an ugly sweater party. I had my eyes on this winner:

It’s a giant fucking cat face and nothing could be more perfect! And so I took a stroll down Market St. to find this giant fucking cat face sweater at Forever 21. Then I made the mistake of assuming this would be an easy sweater to find, because Forever 21 – no matter which store you’re in – is horrible and I hate it. Though about 30% of their selection can be awesome and generally wearable (and affordable), never do I feel more like I’m buying into a trend than when I’m in a Forever 21 store. It doesn’t help that I’m about 5-10 years older than any of the other shoppers around me.

After about 10 minutes of no giant fucking cat face sweater spottings, I took no shame in walking up to a sales associate and asking, “Excuse me, but where can I find a black sweater with a giant cat face on it?” I didn’t have the heart to tell this girl I needed it for an ugly sweater party. She probably hates herself for working there, as is – no need to reinforce the fact that a majority of these clothes all super suck.

Product number and another lap around the arbitrary layout of Forever 21 later, and we came up short. Newsflash, Forever 21: if your own employee can’t find a GIANT FUCKING CAT FACE SWEATER in your store, something is wrong. And, apparently, there were 3 of them hanging out in there, somewhere. Probably in the laser light room. It would make sense for Forever 21 to have a laser light room, don’t cha think? Right by the disco ball room, below the hookah lounge. Nothing makes sense, so might as well make this store worth the travel.

In conclusion, I didn’t get a giant fucking cat face sweater, but I did find something worthy of a second place – and the subject of cats remains relevant. Plus it was cheaper than the giant fucking cat face sweater, so I can spend more money on booze for the ugly sweater party. Who says things don’t work out for the best?

And Now, A Grown Man Stuck In A Playground Structure.

The internet is awesome for two reasons: 1) all the cat stuff, and 2) this picture.

Happy Hump Day, folks! You’re welcome.

The Golden Globes Are Already So Good This Year; Beyonce Is The Superbowl Halftime Show; and The Best Gangnam Mash Up Ever.

We have three topics to get through today, so let’s kick this bitch off right quick.

 

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Are Hosting The 70th Annual Golden Globes

Oh my God. OMG. OHMIGOD. Words cannot express how excited I am about this, so I’m just going to piss my pants and giggle like a stupid little schoolgirl with a bladder control problem.

HA! I totally have words – I have a blog, for fuck’s sake. How awesome is the best friendship of Tina and Amy? First off, according to the literary masterpiece of Bossypants, these two gal pals have known each other since their Chicago theater days. Before fame and fortune. Before SNL. They’re practically college best friends who’ve supported one another and worked together for decades. They got famous and hosted Weekend Update together. How great would it be to host Weekend Update with your BEST FRIEND? Oh wait, probably not as cool as starring in the hit movie Baby Mama with your BEST FRIEND. And now they get to host the motherfuckin’ Golden Globes together – AS BEST FRIENDS.

Amy, Tina – if you can hear me. Recruit me as your best friend. If you just give me a chance, I promise you’ll want to take vacations with me.

 

Beyonce Is Performing At The Superbowl

The internet once again wins at leaking very important information. Apparently, Beyonce will be our halftime entertainment at the Superbowl XLVII, but official word isn’t coming out until tomorrow. Or so the internet says.

I’m totally okay with Beyonce being the halftime entertainment, she’s a kickass live performer from what I’ve gotten out of watching TV and hearing my rich friends gloat about their concert experiences. I expect a lot of hair and giant fans blowing Bey’s hair. But she needs to stick to her upbeat songs, NO R&B BULLSHIT. This is fuckin’ football and people will be drinking beer – not wine, not Courvoisier. I also have a request for Bey:  Please bring out Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams for some Destiny’s Child mind-blowing, ’90s/’00s awesomeness. Performing “Survivor” with your best gal pals will empower my ovaries to punch everyone in the face. It’ll be a good time.

Also, Bey – I know you’re friends with Kanye but if you bring him with you, we’re all gonna be like:

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Ghostbusters, Meet The Crazy Asian Influence of Gangnam Style

Jammin’ this all day.