Happy 20-Years On Air, Conan.

Twenty years ago today, a magnificent human being entered my household. He wasn’t exactly invited, but it was late and cold, and I didn’t want to pull my arm out from under my bed covers to turn the channel.

And, thus, I was introduced to Conan O’Brien.

September 13, 2013 marks Conan’s 20th anniversary of being on television, and I’ve never cheered, laughed, and actively supported anyone on TV as much as do Conan. Except maybe John Stamos, but I think that’s a given for anyone with a set of ovaries.

In celebration of this fantastic accomplishment, I’ve put together a list of my 10 favorite Conan idiosyncrasies throughout the years. This was extremely difficult for me, so feel really bad, because Conan makes me laugh all day, e’ery day – and digesting this to a mere 10 doesn’t do this Irishman’s comedy genius justice. YouTube or TeamCoco that shit for more.

Onward.

Celebrity Surveys

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Conan still does this sketch, with some Twitter tweets in there, too, but it never fails. This is probably due to my obsession with all things celebrity, but – my GOD – it’s tickles the hell out of my fancy.

 

The Masturbating Bear

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When I first saw this bear, I didn’t really realize what was going on. What an itch that guy has! All the time! Ah, to be young again. Unfortunately, Conan lost this sketch standard after all the NBC bullshit, because Jay Leno can’t keep his massive fucking chin out of showbiz. And now the world is rid of the Masturbating Bear. FUCK YOU LENO.

 

Walker, Texas Ranger Lever

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I’ve lost count of how many calories I burned watching Conan pull this lever. Between the insane clips (did anyone realize how awfully amazing Walker, Texas Ranger was?), Conan’s reaction, and the way he played with the audience for more, I could literally watch an entire hour of him just doing this.

 

If They Mated

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The most immature and gut laughing recurring sketch Conan has ever done. I remember waiting on the edge of my bedroom carpet, hoping he would have an “If They Mated” segment on the show. It never failed to pull out the weirdest gut reactions from the audience – and propelled the strangest sounds from me trying to stay quiet in my room, “sleeping,” even though I was silently dying of laughter. Hand over the mouth, not so effective.

 

Clueless Gamer

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So good, it deserves three. One of Conan’s most recent sketches from his TBS show, and it’s fucking hilarious. I’m not a big gamer, myself, so I feel connected to Coco on this one. His commentary, his lack of knowledge, and his shitty playing skills makes this one of his best segments, ever. It’s Conan in his sweet spot, just improvising and making fun of anything. LOVE.

 

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

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FUCKING BRILLIANT. Everyone should thank Conan for employing Triumph (voiced by Robert Smigel) and giving him a sound stage. If you haven’t watched Triumph at the Star Wars premiere, the VMAs, the Republican National Convention, or in Chicago with Jack McBrayer – just to name a very tiny few – then you haven’t laughed properly yet. GO.

 

The String Dance

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This sorta replaced my favorite “Keep cool, mah babiesss” line Conan would always say after the audience would applaud him in before the monologue, but the String Dance is all that and a bag of FUNYONS. It’s a signature, and a damn good one at that.

 

That Hair

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On my bucket list of things to touch.

 

In The Year 2000…

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“The future, Conan?” says (insert celebrity name here). This sketch was, literally, before its time – until it was actually the year 2000 and they just kept going with it – and became one of the most beloved. It was just…soooooooo silly. The camera panning work, the giggling – gimme it. All day.

 

Conan On The Streets

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Anytime Conan takes a camera with him and goes somewhere just to mess around, he’s in his zone – the Cone Zone. I would watch a show dedicated purely to Conan going to random places for 6-10 minute segments, and this show could last 4 hours. That would be 4 hours well spent. And I’d DVR them. AND I watch them again, later that night. Because my life is full and happy. But seriously, this shit is always gold, and it only deepens my love for Conan and my goal to meet him someday.

Congrats, Conan! Here’s to 20 more years of TeamCoco!

I’ll be watching you….

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Hump Day Honesty, From Conan O’Brien.

This might be the most truthful statement on the internet, right now.

Conan is also the greatest human in the world, so it really makes sense.

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NOTE: let us remember that Ryan Gosling is not a human, but a manicorn born out of the Milky Way. So my evaluation that Conan is, indeed, the greatest human being, stands uncontested.

10 Bar Signs To Get You Ready For St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m a huge fan of March 17th. See, I’m a freckle-faced pallid Irish white girl and St. Patrick’s Day is basically my time to shine. Literally…shine. I am PALE. It’s like I have two leg lamps attached to my hips. I don’t need a phone in the dark, I just roll up my sleeves and pants.

Thus, this time of the year makes me feel all warm and cozy because all the beautifully tanned and sun-kissed people of the world can kiss my white ass. Conan O’Brien’s of the world, rejoice! Because all Irish people are super white and slightly sick looking.

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GODDAMNIT.

Fuck you, Colin Farrell, and you’re ability to be Irish, tan, and smoking hot.

Okay, so Conan and I fulfill the Irish stereotype of being really white and possibly near death, but I’m proud of my freckles and my fair skin. If there is anything Hollywood has taught me, it’s thatĀ AussieĀ Nicole Kidman looks her best with bright red hair and no sun on her body. While I may not have the bright red hair, I have NO SUN ON MY BODY and I’m okay with that.

In honor of my people’s grand holiday coming up on Sunday (shout out to my good friend Megan, who’ll be celebrating her birthday on the 17th and turning 27 and getting SO old even though I’m a year older, but it’s just a technicality), I thought I’d get uber festive and share with you, my good readers (Hi Mom), some fantastic bar signs to get you good and excited for St. Patrick’s Day.

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Remember, it’s better to drink than drive, not drink then drive. Grammar, people.

 

Follow Your Failures.

Conan O’Brien is one of my favorite people that I’ve never met.

Like millions of others, I can claim to have been in the same room as him – and by room, I mean the giant theater at the Palms Resort in Las Vegas. I paid $75 from my part time wages to see Conan at his “Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On Television” tour, proudly displaying my Team Coco shirt. By myself. In the top most upper section. But anyone who wears an imitation knock off of the leather suit worn by Eddie Murphy in “Raw” deserves all my pennies.

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I have a feeling if Conan and I did meet, we’d feel incredibly awkward (stranger danger, hello) and crack far too many icebreaker jokes and puns that we’d somehow find ourselves immediately comfortable with one other. After all, we are of the same pale Irish kin. Although Ryan Gosling, Chris Hemsworth, and Johnny Depp are on my top five list, if presented with the opportunity to meet Conan, it wouldn’t just be a fangirl Facebook post of a snapshot photo (or a restraining order from an attempted dry hump) but a weighted moment in time. I’ve been laughing with this guy for nearly half my life, and there are some people who – without knowing them – you just know are of your kind.

He’s the super smart, incredibly funny guy who never lets an awkward moment go unseen. He’s an improv king who has a vast vocabulary and isn’t afraid to use it. He’s also the most pop culturally savvy almost-50 year old who could easily hang with the college scene while shooting the shit with the 30-40 year olds. He’s an everyman, and although he’s found his fame and fortune, he’s remained a regular guy. I don’t bundle him with the Goslings, Hemsworths, or Paltrows. He’s one of us, a normal dude who just so happens to have a television show.

So when Jay Leno took down the everyman, shit got real. I cried for Conan on that last Tonight Show, because he took one for the team. The uptight older guy pulled the rug out from under our Lego-building, wand-waving, hobbit-loving, pun-wielding, nerdtastic feet. But Conan brought to life that cliche about falling and getting back up – my favorite version in which came from Rocky Balboa:

“It ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.”

Conan got fucking rocked. If there was ever anyone who got screwed by the pooch in the entertainment industry, it’s him. But Conan said himself, not everyone gets exactly what they want.

And that’s what he told the lucky bastards at Dartmouth last year when he was asked be their 2011 Commencement guest speaker. I hate you, Dartmouth. Just needed to get that out of the way.

Conan gave one of the greatest speeches on planet earth with a surprisingly rich and inspirational message. He took his own shortcomings and told all those graduates that disappointments are inevitable, but not defining. I’ll let his words do the rest.

It’s okay to be afraid of failure, but don’t let failure cloud your head devaluing your full potential. Shit happens, and for all you know, failure was your greatest moment. Take it from Conan, he has reached new levels of comedy gold because he picked himself up and had to figure out something else to do with his talents. Boom.

PROFOUND REINVENTION MOTHAFUCKAS.