5 Reasons Why Beyonce Literally SHUT IT DOWN at the Super Bowl.

In case you were making camp under a rock yesterday, the Super Bowl happened and that means a halftime show was lavishly presented.

Since my Niners lost, I’m going to make myself feel better by providing you with my five favorite moments from Beyonce’s fierce as fuck halftime show. Granted, my only non-favorite part was her ending it all with “Halo”. NO, Bey. You end your shit with uptempo craziness like the rest of your fierce as fuck show, dammit. But I digress.

Let’s not waste another second, Bey ain’t got time for that!

1. Bey entering with her hand on her hip not giving a fuck standing in front of a giant outline of herself, or what could possibly be an Arby’s sign.

The 33 Fiercest Moments From Beyoncé's Halftime Show

But then she was like, HOLD UP. Taco Bell, bitches. It’s about to get muy caliente!

 

2. Then the camera panned out and showed us two unnecessary faces. 

I assumed they were there for 3 reasons:

a) They were symbolic of Beyonce and her alter ego, Sasha Fierce.

b) They were Bey’s security as they anxiously awaited Bane’s inevitable entrance (which didn’t happen, sigh).

c) They were going to eat Beyonce during her finale to then create an all-powerful Beyonce that would rid the world of Jennifer Lopez. I’m really disappointed this one didn’t go down.

 

3. Beyonce likely whipping people’s eyes with her hair.

The 33 Fiercest Moments From Beyoncé's Halftime Show

 

4. DESTINY’S CHILD HAPPENED.

But more importantly, Michelle was launched out on stage in heels, totally calm and cool like it never even happened.

The 33 Fiercest Moments From Beyoncé's Halftime Show

 

5. THIS. This walk right here.

And that hair flip, even though her hair wasn’t anywhere near her face while she walked. IT DIDN’T MATTER DAMMIT.

 

Obviously, then the lights went out in the stadium because Beyonce LITERALLY SHUT SHIT DOWN.

 

Even though the 34 minute blackout was extremely uncomfortable to sit through listening to all the commentators basically saying, “There seems to be a black out, which means the lights aren’t on. I’ve informed the coaches” (THANK GOD FOR YOU), it’s got to be the highlight of Beyonce’s career knowing she shut the power down in half the stadium at the Super Bowl.

Hi Taylor Swift, It’s Singlehood – Let’s Be Friends?

Here’s a piece of news you could give a shit about: Taylor Swift is apparently not in a relationship, right this second.

Okay, maybe she’s with someone right this second – but I swear to God she wasn’t last night.

Anyway, this is my half-hearted plea – NAY, my challenge – for Taylor Swift to remain single for 2013. And I only say this because I imagine Taylor must have some kind of celebrity man-list that she keeps inside her guitar and now she’s plotting her next musical muse, like so.

It’s even her favorite shade of lipstick.

Here’s the thing, I really don’t think Taylor’s a bad person. She seems like a decent role model for the young ‘uns these days (am I 70-years old now?) and she’s got that cute girl, “it’s cool to wear dresses past your knees!” vibe going that I never had when I was in high school. No, I had Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and a whored up Jessica Simpson shoving their perfect fucking abs in my face. Fuck your perfect fucking abs, Britney! Wait…I don’t mean that. I love you, Brit. I miss you, come back to us. What was I talking about?

Taylor. You suffer from Relationship Relapse. You always, always seem to want a guy around to be in love with and curl your hair for.

This is my message to you.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone, but you know what’s more important than finding the right guy? Finding your right self. Oh yea…I’m going there.

What’s up with Taylor? What does Taylor like? What’s Taylor’s guilty pleasure television show? DO STUFF BY YOURSELF. Go see a movie, rent a movie, watch a television series at home with just a box of Oreos. It’s way too much fun, I tell ya. Sure, you feel kinda sick afterwards, but that’s what the giant jug of milk is for! Goes down smooth and does a body good.

Taylor, I’m going to confide something that you may not be aware of. It’s just for you and me, a fun gal secret. Ready? ‘Kay. Here goes.

There are other songs you can write other than break up songs.

FUCKIN A, right? Put away your Adele albums, it’s just not fair for you. Time to acquaint yourself with Destiny’s Child. Or just become friends with Beyonce. She knows what’s up.

Here’s a list of songs to get you started:

1. “Independent Women” – Destiny’s Child

2. “Man, I Feel Like A Woman” – Shania Twain

3. “Wannabe” – Spice Girls

4. “This One’s For The Girls” – Martina McBride

5. “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” – Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin (how can you go wrong?)

6. “I’m Every Woman” – Chaka Khan

7. “U.N.I.T.Y.” – Queen Latifah

8. “Bug-A-Boo” – Destiny’s Child

9. “So What” – Pink

10. “Single Ladies” – Beyonce (just all Beyonce songs, in general, really.)

So there you have it, Tay. Time to get out there on your own and live it up. Leave the boys alone, there’s plenty of them out there. Do you, whatever that may be (which I imagine is running in a meadow and making a headband out of daisies). Stop chasing famous penis and hang out with your girlfriends or your pal Justin Beiber, which is the same thing really. 

Regardless, I’m sure you’ll end up writing some kind of fun, catchy girl power song that I will want to hate but can’t help humming at work. So fuck you, in advance.

Buck up, Tay! Put your bright red lipstick back on and write about some self love. While you’re alone on a boat.

Ten bucks says her next album is called “Flying Ray.” Any takers?

The Golden Globes Are Already So Good This Year; Beyonce Is The Superbowl Halftime Show; and The Best Gangnam Mash Up Ever.

We have three topics to get through today, so let’s kick this bitch off right quick.

 

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Are Hosting The 70th Annual Golden Globes

Oh my God. OMG. OHMIGOD. Words cannot express how excited I am about this, so I’m just going to piss my pants and giggle like a stupid little schoolgirl with a bladder control problem.

HA! I totally have words – I have a blog, for fuck’s sake. How awesome is the best friendship of Tina and Amy? First off, according to the literary masterpiece of Bossypants, these two gal pals have known each other since their Chicago theater days. Before fame and fortune. Before SNL. They’re practically college best friends who’ve supported one another and worked together for decades. They got famous and hosted Weekend Update together. How great would it be to host Weekend Update with your BEST FRIEND? Oh wait, probably not as cool as starring in the hit movie Baby Mama with your BEST FRIEND. And now they get to host the motherfuckin’ Golden Globes together – AS BEST FRIENDS.

Amy, Tina – if you can hear me. Recruit me as your best friend. If you just give me a chance, I promise you’ll want to take vacations with me.

 

Beyonce Is Performing At The Superbowl

The internet once again wins at leaking very important information. Apparently, Beyonce will be our halftime entertainment at the Superbowl XLVII, but official word isn’t coming out until tomorrow. Or so the internet says.

I’m totally okay with Beyonce being the halftime entertainment, she’s a kickass live performer from what I’ve gotten out of watching TV and hearing my rich friends gloat about their concert experiences. I expect a lot of hair and giant fans blowing Bey’s hair. But she needs to stick to her upbeat songs, NO R&B BULLSHIT. This is fuckin’ football and people will be drinking beer – not wine, not Courvoisier. I also have a request for Bey:  Please bring out Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams for some Destiny’s Child mind-blowing, ’90s/’00s awesomeness. Performing “Survivor” with your best gal pals will empower my ovaries to punch everyone in the face. It’ll be a good time.

Also, Bey – I know you’re friends with Kanye but if you bring him with you, we’re all gonna be like:

image

 

Ghostbusters, Meet The Crazy Asian Influence of Gangnam Style

Jammin’ this all day.