That One Time Papa Bear Got Caught Watching Porn.

It must be said, Disney really knows what they’re doing when it comes to sexual innuendoes. When you’re young and innocent, all the sexually charged tidbits in your favorite Disney movies go completely over your head. And yet, when you reach a certain age where you suddenly look at the screen and see an erect penis, you’re not totally appalled and missing your childhood as much as you’re absurdly impressed they had the balls (heh) to put out the vibe.

Sure, you can argue Disney is a giant monopoly full of old perverts. And you’re probably right. Based on Nala’s fuck-me eyes alone, there were a lot of tensions and circle jerks and orgies during the making of The Lion King. To be fair, they had just killed off Mufasa, so they deserved to have a good time and forget their worries. Hakuna matata. Nonetheless, at one point in your life, childhood nostalgia and adult acknowledgement intertwine and live happily ever after.

That being said, Papa Berenstain Bear needs to take a clue from Disney’s subtlety and brush it under the rug, because mister is OBVIOUS about his porn.


By the look of Papa’s face, and his slightly unbuttoned shirt, he saw just enough of what he needed.

It’s cool. His copy of Busty Bears in Trees┬ástill remains safe and unseen in his hidden honey stash.

Disney, You Sneaky Bastards.

I’m both incredibly impressed and slightly disturbed by this realization.


In my defense, I’ve only seen Hercules once. The Lion King, however, I’ve seen around ten thousand billion space years.

Well played, Disney. Well played.

Also, nice lookin’ out, Hercules. Hakuna Matata.


Because It’s My Birthday, Dammit.

Oh hey. Just another Tuesday.



So, it’s my birthday. I’m 28 and feelin’ great, it was totally worth the wait, but I still look like jailbait. And it’s just now dawning on me that I should’ve been a rap superstar.

In honor of turning 28 and, thus, being so much closer to the dirty thirty, I thought I’d borrow an idea from my good friend Vince, who made a list of all the things he’s learned for each year of his life (you should check out his blog, he’s a sassy bitch).

And so, here goes 28 things I’ve learned as I turn 28.

1. I prefer odd numbers.

2. Disney is both full of shit and the greatest thing in the world.

3. I do all my best thinking in the shower. Excluding the time I’m shaving my legs. Age doesn’t make the knees and ankles any easier.

4. I really love movies.

5. Rap music really does all sound the same.

6. Doing your own dishes feels oddly productive.

7. Sometimes, I really think I could be an actress. Amy, Tina – CALL ME.

8. Bangs (fringe, whatever) were the best thing I ever did to my unruly cowlicks.

9. If you travel to another country once, it’ll change your life.

10. Riches aren’t measured by the size of your wallet, but, sometimes, I wish my wallet was sooooo much bigger.

11. I can hardly stay up past midnight anymore.

12. I have a new appreciation of tights. Two words: LEG STUBBLE. See #3.

13. I will never stop loving Britney Spears.

14. Sometimes, I genuinely feel like punching people in the face. I usually settle with a passive aggressive elbow nudge, if anything.

15. I can’t walk and text at the same time.

16. I believe in magic (the kind from Harry Potter and what Sting was singing about).

17. I still yearn for ’90s and ’00s pop music. One Direction will suffice for now.


19. Friends can make any day better. Also, friends can make any day better.

20. Cardigans are legit, guys.

21. I’m now 10 years out of high school, and I still don’t miss it.

22. Wine is the new black. Did I type black? I meant everything.

23. Hangnails are my kryptonite.

24. I can basically style my hair any way I’d like, and that includes an afro. I SWEAR TO GOD.

25. I know Ryan Gosling is a human being, but unicorns started from horses. And Ryan Gosling.

26. Sometimes, I’ll think about how there’s no new Harry Potter books ever again, and I immediately feel sad.

27. My imagination is insaaaaaaane.

28. If you can’t make yourself laugh like an idiot, you’re doing it wrong.

I’ve got a good feeling about 28, and I’m going to celebrate the hell out of it with moderation and responsibility, goddammit.


Oh hey, cake.


If Real Life Were A Disney Movie.

I’d imagine my refrigerator would look something like this.


And they’d help me make breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday while singing joyful tunes and turning the sink into a majestic fountain – but only for the musical number. The salsa jar would obviously be Salma Hayek-inspired and the disturbingly large container of Philadelphia cream cheese would definitely be voiced by Will Smith and have a rap solo, ala Fresh Prince. All the eggs would stick together and the milk would always be nervous and surprised while the Sierra Mist bottle will be overly emotional. The Newman’s tomato sauce would say stuff like, “Ciao bella!” and have a ginormous crush on Salsa Salma.

But this is no Beauty and the Beast – they are not cursed. And they never run out of their condiment either, because this is my Disney fantasy and you can just shut the fuck up with your realism, goddammit.

Lessons Learned From Disney.

There’s so much Disney has taught me from a young age, it’s hard to keep track of it all.

Here are a few examples:

  • Magic exists.
  • Mice are basically tiny humans.
  • I should be able to sing with animals.
  • I will likely marry a prince no matter my socioeconomic status.
  • My best friend should probably be a talking animal, preferably one that can sit on my shoulder.
  • Lions are cuddly and in no way harmful.
  • My dinnerware should sing to me while serving me food.
  • Someone is always out to kill me, and they’re likely in my family.

Now I can add this one to the list.


Goddammit. This is a hard pill to swallow.

Thank you, Disney. Once again you are full of wisdom and sexual undertones.