It’s the End of My Twenties And I Feel Fine

Today marks the start of my dirty thirties. I am 30 years old. Thirty. Three-zero. Fourth decade of life.

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Alright I went too far with that last one, because that’s some freaky shit right there.

What better time to revive my hilarious and not-award-winning blog? Exactly. Glad we’re on the same page again, readers. And by readers, I mean my mom. Hi mom.

It seems pretty standard for people to lose their shit when one of these milestone birthdays peer deep into their souls and cause them to stare in a mirror, crying about all the insane expectations we had when we were younger about where we’d be at 30. Hey, weren’t you supposed to be an astronaut and take a few spins around Mars like, five years ago? No? What a loser.

What I learned in my twenties was to scrap all your preconditioned ideas about what you’re supposed to be, where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed be, how you’re supposed to be, and why you’re supposed to be at a certain age. It’s just total bullshit to have those expectations because the best parts of life are the unexpected moments and people who rock your world without any formulated plans.

My boss, Ron Swanson, gave me the perfect gift to accompany this wisdom. Lagavulin 16 scotch whisky and a note that ended with OMNIA PARATUS: Ready for anything.

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In my now thirty years, I’d like to think one of my best qualities is being scrappy, an improv master, and all around make it work aficionado. Our teachers, parents, and coworkers will continuously tell us to ask as many questions as possible. No question is dumb, they said. I’m here to offer an amendment to this rule: take some time to think, let shit sink in, because you can probably answer the question yourself. Or just fucking Google it. Whatever means you choose, you are capable of being the answer, the solution, the method. Find your way, goddammit.

Here’s a list of 15 things I want to achieve this decade, no questions asked:

1. Visit my homeland, Ireland, and relish in all the pale glory.
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2. Watch more good television, and stop assuming Parks & Recreation is still going on.
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3. Start writing a best-selling novel that JK Rowling lauds as the best thing since Harry Potter.
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4. Start writing my biography that will become a feature film starring my celebrity twin, Emma Stone. Emma Watson will be my second choice, but only if she keeps the British accent.

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5. Work with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
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6. Become best friends with above.
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7. Be the “Freakshow” guest at Britney’s Piece of Me show and be whipped by a fucking goddess.
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8. Become best friends with above and begin concocting a plan to unite her and Justin in holy matrimony.
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9. Invent a flying car so we can do this future shit right already.
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10. Become an Avenger. I already have hardware in my back, Stan Lee. Come at me.
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11. Witness Leonardo DiCaprio win an Oscar.
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12. Be in the audience and watch my brothers HardNox perform on Saturday Night Live.
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13. Finally have that sleepover party with my BFF Miri (Jennifer Lawrence, for those out of the loop).
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14. Play Tina Fey in her lifetime movie about her beginnings and career. I’d be so good, you don’t even know.
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15. Experience 7 minutes in heaven with Ryan Gosling. My husband is fully supportive of this.
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This will be a piece of cake.

Unnnghh…cake.

It’s Hump Day, and I’m Getting Married in 10 Days.

First off, it’s my celebrity sister Emma Stone‘s birthday today, which means I need to be home for dinner at a reasonable hour to help celebrate.

Here’s to you, Emily!

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No worries, I’ll bring the champagne.

In other news, I’m getting married in 10 days –

(OMGGGGGGGASLKDJSKDJKALFJDSGASHFDJSGKLDLFJ!@%)

– so, unfortunately, my blog is about to take a little hit on the updates.

But not today, my celebrity sister’s birthday, dammit. Thus, I shall leave you with this.

r1oVA4A

That’s a biblical name, I know it.

Happy Birthday Jennifer Lawrence, You Beautiful Baby Gazelle.

Today is an awesome day, because it marks the 23rd anniversary of my best friend’s birth.

I’m gonna make her some cake balls, because I know how much she loves cake balls. Tell ’em what you told me, Miri.

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You probably don’t understand, but that’s okay. We’re best friends, it’s what we do.

In honor of my BFF Miri‘s birthday, here’s a list of 23 things we enjoy doing together – or so I can imagine:

  1. Eating cake balls.
  2. Eating french fries.
  3. Being in our sweats.
  4. Side-braiding our hair (I’m the braider, Jen isn’t coordinated enough HAHAHA – she’s soooo silly!).
  5. Attempting our own makeup, only to draw funny faces on each other instead.
  6. Reenacting The Hunger Games as Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck set in Looney Tunes land.
  7. Eating an entire tub of ice cream without using a spoon, just tongues.
  8. Going into public restrooms and playing fart sounds.
  9. Watching all 8 Harry Potter films while eating Chinese food with wands instead of chopsticks.
  10. Counting all the freckles on my face, and connecting them with lines.
  11. Going to a pet store and playing with all the puppies, giving them names and voices.
  12. Trying on all the dresses in the nearest thrift store, each picking one for the other to buy.
  13. Wearing the dress from #12 while watching Mrs. Doubtfire.
  14. Friday dance parties set to Now That’s What I Call Music! 4 & 5.
  15. Role playing as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler from SNL’s Weekend Update. We switch off being Tina and Amy, to be fair.
  16. Designing poodle haircuts in our spare time.
  17. Stalking celebrities at parties Jen invites me to – usually ends with us getting drunk, giggling, and running away from everyone.
  18. Inviting over my sister, Emma Stone, to prank call Ryan Gosling – because she has his number.
  19. Walking through West Hollywood, photobombing all paparazzi shots of Robert Downey, Jr.
  20. Playing with Jen’s Oscar, where she presents it to me for my role as Yorin Asshil in “The Rich Beggar.” I trip every goddamn time.
  21. Toilet-papering Josh Hutcherson’s house every Wednesday at 5:27 PM.
  22. Hanging out with Elizabeth Banks, offering plot ideas for Pitch Perfect 2.
  23. Pondering the meaning of life over a bag of chips while watching Friends and talking like we’re Hermione Granger.

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Don’t you dare apologize, Miri – it’s your birthday! Take as many shots as you want. I’ll be there to hold your hair back later, just don’t do any rum – remember last time? Hahahahahaha!!1!

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I know.

Emma Stone, My Celebrity Sister.

People often ask me, how can Jennifer Lawrence be your best friend and Emma Stone not?

SILLY PEASANTS.

It’s quite simple. Jen is my best friend, but Emma and I are fucking sisters. I swear to God, somewhere we share blood because the facts are just unavoidable.

Take, for instance, her new haircut that Refinery29 just posted.

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OMG MY HAIR IS LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW, TOOOO.

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I’m also very red in the face, goddamn pale fucking complexion. It’s alright, Emma. Let’s just blame great-Grammy, who I image is named Meryl.

Additionally, Emma and I can combine name forces to create one of the most badass and strangest actresses in Hollywood.

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This doesn’t actually mean anything in terms of our sisterhood, but fuck you, it’s cool.

Anyway, besides the fact that we seem to have the same teeth (I have no real photographic evidence of this, I just believe it as fact deep in my soul), we also had similar upbringings.

  • Her last name was anglicized when her family migrated to the States – SO WAS MINE.
  • She is of very white, European descent – SO AM I.
  • She attended an all-girls Catholic high school – SO DID I.
  • She is naturally a blonde – AS AM I. (Sort of, I was born dirty blonde, but age has made me more brunette. Give it a few years, Em. You’ll catch up with the genes.)
  • She has freckles – ME TOO.
  • She is (apparently) 5’6″ in height – I’M 5’7″ SO THAT’S BASICALLY THE SAME.
  • And greenish/blueish eyes – CHECK DAT.
  • In a relationship with someone who has an accent – YUP.
  • She is a huge fan of Conan O’Brien (her twitter handle is @stonenobrien, for fuck’s sake) – YES ME TOO.
  • Seems to have an obsession/actual friendship with Ryan Gosling – ONE OF THOSE, YES.

I mean, this information is kind of overwhelming. We clearly share some DNA strand, because no one else could possibly check all of that off except for me.

Thus, Emma (or shall I call her Emily? Since that’s her real name and what her family/friends call her, heretofore ME.) and I should be reconciled and share Thanksgivings and Christmases together, and any other major holiday we see fit.

Em, what say you?

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Exactly.

I Have A Thing For Jennifers & Emmas.

There is only one Amy, Tina, and Britney in my life. That much I know. It’s easy to keep those ones straight and love them unconditionally.

But for the rest of my list of lady loves, things tend to seem redundant. By that, I mean they’re literally all Jennifers or Emmas.

Ladies, just know that I love you each individually, for reasons special to you and me. Don’t let the envy consume you, there’s plenty Sharon to go ’round. I know this probably keeps you up at night, wondering which Jennifer or Emma I adore most, and you blank out during your award speeches forgetting to thank me – but I forgive you, because that’s what real life friends do.

Onward. First, the Jennifers.

Jennifer Lawrence

source: perezhilton.com

source: perezhilton.com

Obviously. My BFF also goes by Miri, if you didn’t know. Which you don’t, because you aren’t us. I can’t wait for more Catching Fire trailers to come out and see “Academy Award Winner” in front of Jen’s name. I will shit a gold brick and cry glitter.

Jennifer Garner

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Years ago, I watched Jen on a late night show and she brought pictures from her high school band days. I was totally in band, too, Jen. AND I ALSO PLAYED THE ALTO SAX – WHAT??! She’s married to a great Bostonian, Ben Affleck, and I’m gearing up to marry my own Bostonian, Mike Tomasik. Both of their last names end in “k”. So really, Jen and I go way back.

Jennifer Aniston

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The ridiculous love I feel for Jen Aniston is unmoving. I will defend her against anything. Go ahead, try me. COME AT ME, BRUH. She’s an old friend, or an older sister, or that really amazing young aunt you’ve always wanted. Whatever it may be, I love her as my own.

Jennifer Coolidge

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source: tumblr.com

The actual weird fucking aunt I’ve always wanted. The one who gives life to holidays because you only go to those family parties to see her, how much she’ll drink, and all the crazy things that come out of her mouth. I just…I want to know her sooooo badly.

Jennifer Hudson

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

If I could have an older sister, I would really, really want it to be Jen. My high school experience would probably have been way better if Jen was there to tell me bitches ain’t shit. Even now, she would keep me in line and give me advice on clothes and food. Jen, sing me a song as I sit on your lap – mkay?

And now, the Emmas.

Emma Stone

source: ign.com

source: ign.com

My reflection. I’m pretty sure we must have shared a fetus somewhere in the past. Perhaps I was 3 years premature, or she was just 3 years late. Regardless, we probably share some DNA because our teeth are the exact same. ISWEARTOGOD. Plus, our voices mushed together make a normal pitched voice, with her baritone and my high-pitched, 4-year old tone. Peas in a fucking pod.

Emma Watson

source: perezhilton.com

source: perezhilton.com

Total. Girl crush. I want her to have all the success in the world because I want to be able to stare at her perfect face forever. I fully understand how creepy that sounds, but it’s also the truth. She’s just so goddamn pretty. Plus, she’s well spoken – duh, British. She’s pleasing to the eyes and ears. I’m just really grateful she’s living in this world. Period.

Emma Thompson

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source: rpgifsforthemun.tumblr.com

She could be my British mother if she wants. I have no qualms about it. See? I’m already using better language just from the thought. Doesn’t she seem like the kind of woman you’d love to go out and have a drink with? I want to get her good and drunk and tell me British stories. Emma Watson can be there to moderate, since they’re Potter pals.

Emma Geller-Green

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source: tumblr.com

DAMN STRAIGHT. She’s literally only on here because Jen Aniston sort of gave birth to her, and now the name Emma will always have a connection to Friends. So jealous.

Emmy Rossum

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

I cheated, fuck off. Close enough, though, right? Besides, this gorgeous woman deserves more attention in the world. She can be this beautiful songstress, and then flip the switch and be a badass on Shameless. She’s my style icon and I want to rip her hair off and sew it onto my head.

10 Reasons Why I Need To Be Friends With Bradley Cooper.

I have had an epiphany.

Usually, all one needs to do is meet Kevin Bacon in order to know every celebrity on the planet. But there are a lot of celebrities in this world, many of whom I don’t exactly care to rub elbows with. So think of Kevin Bacon as the celebrity lottery guy and you have 10 famous folks in your head that you’d really, REALLY want to meet, but because he knows everyone you might get stuck with Angelina Jolie, and she’ll force you to bottle your blood and lick her Malaysian child before you’re able to shake her hand.

So in an effort to avoid the likes of Angelina Jolie, it’s recently come to my attention – after an unashamedly long time spent Googling celebrity names – that Bradley Cooper is my ticket to meeting all the famous people I’d want to split a lunch tab with (as long as lunch is at Subway).

Let me first start off by saying, it’s Bradley Cooper, so I’m pretty fucking excited about this prospect.

Second, do you think he’d let me call him Coop? Like in The OC? Maybe? Probably not.

Let’s kick this list off, shall we?

1. Ryan Gosling

I don’t know why I’m not between them right now.

2. Wet Hot American Summer cast

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All of them. I would know ALL OF THEM. Amy Poehler (which would lead to a best friendship with Rashida Jones and Tina Fey, of course), Paul Rudd, Ken Marino, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Ian Black, Molly Shannon – the list goes on! I’d be killing so many birds with one Coop.

3. These guys.

This picture happened and I don’t know why I’m not being held sideways by them. REDO.

4. Jennifer Aniston

They used to date (Whaaaaaaaaa?) but now they’re friends and I must be their third. My cheek would totally fit here, pressed on the other side of Coop’s face.

5. Ryan Gosling

That’s right. TWICE.

6. Jennifer Lawrence

If you have to ask, then you don’t know me at all and weren’t aware that I’m actively stalking her (on the internet) until we become best friends.

7. No Shirt Party with Leo DiCaprio

JESUS CHRIST. It’s pretty obvious in this picture that Leo is disappointed I’m not there.

8. Ben Affleck AND Emma Stone

Are you fucking kidding me? Bradley Cooper – CALL ME.

9. Robert Downey Jr.

LET ME IN TO YOUR CLUB.

10. Ryan Gosling

I understand they didn’t take this picture together but it doesn’t fucking matter. And yes, THRICE.

So it’s pretty clear that Bradley Cooper is the new Kevin Bacon of my life, and I hope we bump into each other on the outskirts of town and are like, “Oh hey, cool shoes!” and he’s like, “Aren’t you that magnificently gifted blogger?” And then we become friends and trade off hosting game nights with ALL OF THE ABOVE.

And everything will be stripping games. For the men. Because, feminism.