Only in Europe.

Last year for my birthday, I made a list of things I’ve learned, one for every year I’ve blessed this planet with my presence. (You’re welcome.) It would be far too ridiculous to add a 29th thing to that list, so, instead, I’m going to post an inappropriate joke about life.

Thanks to the land of Germany for this bit of honest advertising. Translated, of course. I’m American, after all. Shit ain’t funny when I can’t read it.

xTqzKYO

Mean. Clever. Ominous. German.

Well, how else is a funeral service supposed to gain business? Do funeral places usually advertise? Do they get competitive or roam hospitals and senior homes to network? I need to stop asking questions.

Watch for their next ad posted above a cigarette wall, probably titled, “Breathe deep.”

In opposite news, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ME!!!

f183e014_1260941625771-1

Fuck off, thirty. It ain’t your time yet.

An East Bay Concert Experience vs a SF Concert Experience.

I saw the Backstreet Boys in concert last night, and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Pure fucking joy. A sold out crowd singing a bunch of ’90s songs, very loudly, together. I’m a dedicated BSB fan, so you bet your ass I knew the new shit, too.

But I realized, after the fact, that the only people I knew who also attended, or might’ve attended, the show were all East Bay local folks, like myself. Which is a little odd, considering how concert-happy they are in SF.

It made me think, what’s the difference between a concert experience in San Francisco versus the one I had last night in the East Bay?

Allow me to express my thoughts via so many gifs.

SAN FRANCISCO

A refined excitement; they’re just as enthusiastic as East Bayers, except they’re totally stoned and drunk. Pretty sure there’s a banjo requirement to perform in SF, or, at the very least, an agreement to throw in dubstep for an ample substitution.

SF concert-goers may look something like –

82460301

Coachella-06

320swyu40407

tumblr_mg4cyv12YS1rugtvpo1_500

 

EAST BAY

Balls-out, teenage excitement; we can’t believe we’re old enough to drink beer AND watch boy bands. Fuck your Golden Gate Park, we have Mt. Diablo, it’s on literally fire because it’s summertime in the East Bay, and HOLY SHIT, BACKSTREET’S BACK.

East Bay concert-goers may look something like –

tumblr_mcmlduD1xT1qihztbo1_400

happy-dance

KjYP5tP

37201-Carlton-dancing-gif-I2pZ

This concludes today’s lesson on geo-cultural juxtaposition.

(goes back to listening to her BSB Spotify list)

Because It’s My Birthday, Dammit.

Oh hey. Just another Tuesday.

photo

NOT.

So, it’s my birthday. I’m 28 and feelin’ great, it was totally worth the wait, but I still look like jailbait. And it’s just now dawning on me that I should’ve been a rap superstar.

In honor of turning 28 and, thus, being so much closer to the dirty thirty, I thought I’d borrow an idea from my good friend Vince, who made a list of all the things he’s learned for each year of his life (you should check out his blog, he’s a sassy bitch).

And so, here goes 28 things I’ve learned as I turn 28.

1. I prefer odd numbers.

2. Disney is both full of shit and the greatest thing in the world.

3. I do all my best thinking in the shower. Excluding the time I’m shaving my legs. Age doesn’t make the knees and ankles any easier.

4. I really love movies.

5. Rap music really does all sound the same.

6. Doing your own dishes feels oddly productive.

7. Sometimes, I really think I could be an actress. Amy, Tina – CALL ME.

8. Bangs (fringe, whatever) were the best thing I ever did to my unruly cowlicks.

9. If you travel to another country once, it’ll change your life.

10. Riches aren’t measured by the size of your wallet, but, sometimes, I wish my wallet was sooooo much bigger.

11. I can hardly stay up past midnight anymore.

12. I have a new appreciation of tights. Two words: LEG STUBBLE. See #3.

13. I will never stop loving Britney Spears.

14. Sometimes, I genuinely feel like punching people in the face. I usually settle with a passive aggressive elbow nudge, if anything.

15. I can’t walk and text at the same time.

16. I believe in magic (the kind from Harry Potter and what Sting was singing about).

17. I still yearn for ’90s and ’00s pop music. One Direction will suffice for now.

18. THE KARDASHIANS MUST BE STOPPED.

19. Friends can make any day better. Also, friends can make any day better.

20. Cardigans are legit, guys.

21. I’m now 10 years out of high school, and I still don’t miss it.

22. Wine is the new black. Did I type black? I meant everything.

23. Hangnails are my kryptonite.

24. I can basically style my hair any way I’d like, and that includes an afro. I SWEAR TO GOD.

25. I know Ryan Gosling is a human being, but unicorns started from horses. And Ryan Gosling.

26. Sometimes, I’ll think about how there’s no new Harry Potter books ever again, and I immediately feel sad.

27. My imagination is insaaaaaaane.

28. If you can’t make yourself laugh like an idiot, you’re doing it wrong.

I’ve got a good feeling about 28, and I’m going to celebrate the hell out of it with moderation and responsibility, goddammit.

STOP EYEING ME THIRTY.

Oh hey, cake.

a29d98e5

The Final Countdown To The Return Of Arrested Development.

Dreams, they do come true.

After years of hoping and no touching, it’s finally been announced that Arrested Development is truly, really, honestly coming back on May 26th. Netflix, you goddamn magical techwhores, I’ve never been more proud to give you $7.99/month.

BHANRK6CEAE7LmM

IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL.

I’ve never loved the color orange as much as I do right this second. It’s fucking glorious, isn’t it? The tagline itself made me pee a little.

In case you aren’t grasping the full scope of my excitement over this best news ever, allow me to elaborate.

lucille-buth-excited

i.chzbgr

snl-so-freakin-excited

The San Francisco 49ers Are Playing in the Super Bowl on Sunday & I Might Have a Heart Attack.

You GUYS.

Joy is exploding from me because it’s all really sinking in. The 49ers are in the Super Bowl, and they might win. I hope they win. IWOULDDIE.

But for now, I’m just going to take a moment to litter my blog with the ‘splosions of excitement that are trying to burst out of my every pore.

So a little of this.

And this.

To be fair, I’m not sure what emotions are being displayed here but it doesn’t fucking matter because Ryan Gosling is in a fucking tank top goddammit.

This, too.

This is weird and horrifying, but it’s literally a perfect animation of how I feel right now. Someone gets me out there.

However, if I’m being completely honest with myself, all of the above are totally false (except Ryan, who is always absurdly right) and THIS…this is how I truly feel.

I’m terrified.

But I’m excited.

I’M SO CONFUSED.

It’s a really, really great problem to have, though.

GO NINERS.