The One With Sharon’s Inadvertent Hug

It’s a good day to reminisce, my friends. Ten years ago today the last episode of Friends aired to millions, and millions were wiping their tear-drenched faces. The Last One.

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SHE GOT OFF THE PLANE.

My love for Friends runs very deep. So deep that I recreated one of their promotional pictures at my wedding.

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That’s a great fucking picture. We’re on the left, by the way. I feel like that clarification is necessary.

During the live run of the series, and countless reruns over the last 10 years, I stand confidently by my sentiment that all life events can be traced to an episode of Friends. Oddly enough, even the most unlikely story lines from the series can happen in real life. Believe me, I KNOW. So in honor of this momentous occasion, it’s story telling time.

Many of you might be familiar with the season five episode, The One With Rachel’s Inadvertent Kiss. Quick rundown for those scratching their heads: Rachel goes on an interview at Ralph Lauren, and, on her way out, the male interviewer gives her a handshake while leaning toward the door, which Rachel mistakes for an invitation to kiss him on the cheek. She gets called back for another interviewing, thinking it was because of the kiss – hilarity ensues.

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But that doesn’t happen to people, this was one of those episode subplots that was far too silly to ever think it could be an actual thing. Right? RIGHT?!

A few months ago I went on an interview in Redwood City, an hour and 40 minutes from my apartment. It took me five freeways and a bridge to get there, but the downtown area was lovely and I had nothing to lose.

Upon my arrival to this sweet little start-up joint, I was greeted by this chic and tall young woman who was the person I had interviewed with over the phone. Awesome, we’re a little acquainted, so my sweat glands were at some ease. Her and I chat about the job, responsibilities, and each other. She’s incredibly chill and seemed like a great person. I met with one other, and then my time was up.

Feeling good, I met up with the chic gal again as she led me to the door. I had my professional notebook (you know, the uselessly padded kind) in my left hand as I opened the door with my right. Propping the door open with my right foot, I turned around to offer her a “hire me” handshake when I noticed her arm reach out, seeming to beg for a hug. Did the interview go that well? I don’t blame her, really, I gave some great anecdotes in there and managed to never laugh when the word “duties” was dropped in conversation (thanks, Chandler). I’d probably want to hug me, too.

As if it happened in slow motion, I went in for the hug. I couldn’t use my left hand since the professional pad of never used paper was there, but I gave her a decent wrap of my right arm. Once I realized she wasn’t hugging me back, I knew it.

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Crap.

I back away slowly, wondering where I misread the signals. I look to my right and notice her outstretched arm, the one I assumed was eager for a hug, was currently holding the door open. My brain started sparking, putting the situation together. This just happened to me. I hugged my interviewer. Must. Recover. So I did what I do in all awkward moments, I threw it out in the open and laid it all on the table.

Me: “Oh god, you were just being nice and normal and holding the door open for me.”

Cool, Chic Interviewer: “[nervous laughter]”

Me: “Wow, I thought it was odd you wanted a hug!”

CCI: “Oh, yea…[nervous laughter]”

Me: “I made it weird. It was me. Well, I guess if nothing else, now we’re sort of friends?”

CCI: “Haha…”

Me: “Alright, thank you again for your time. I’m going to go die now.”

As I left the building, all I could think of was Rachel’s Inadvertent Kiss, and that one of the stranger Friends story lines actually happened to me. This was real life. Thank God it wasn’t a kiss, but OHMYGOD I HUGGED HER. I could not stop laughing at the ridiculousness, and I had an hour and 40 minute drive home to think about what I’d just done.

As with Rachel Green’s story, I, too, was asked for another interview, and the cool, chic young woman thought my hug was pretty hilarious. But that’s where it stopped. I didn’t get further than that follow-up interview. Guess I should’ve thought more seriously about a follow-up boob graze to my initial hug. Rachel accidentally touched her interviewer’s crotch on her second interview, and she got the job. Total missed opportunity.

Regardless of the outcome, the importance of this story is that Friends continually breaks the barrier of television hilarity and real life embarrassment. Sure, they may have been six extremely attractive people with apartments their jobs never seemed to be able to cover and more time on their hands than normal, but their lives live on through our own – sometimes inadvertently.

Here’s to you, Friends!

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Happy Birthday Jennifer Lawrence, You Beautiful Baby Gazelle.

Today is an awesome day, because it marks the 23rd anniversary of my best friend’s birth.

I’m gonna make her some cake balls, because I know how much she loves cake balls. Tell ’em what you told me, Miri.

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You probably don’t understand, but that’s okay. We’re best friends, it’s what we do.

In honor of my BFF Miri‘s birthday, here’s a list of 23 things we enjoy doing together – or so I can imagine:

  1. Eating cake balls.
  2. Eating french fries.
  3. Being in our sweats.
  4. Side-braiding our hair (I’m the braider, Jen isn’t coordinated enough HAHAHA – she’s soooo silly!).
  5. Attempting our own makeup, only to draw funny faces on each other instead.
  6. Reenacting The Hunger Games as Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck set in Looney Tunes land.
  7. Eating an entire tub of ice cream without using a spoon, just tongues.
  8. Going into public restrooms and playing fart sounds.
  9. Watching all 8 Harry Potter films while eating Chinese food with wands instead of chopsticks.
  10. Counting all the freckles on my face, and connecting them with lines.
  11. Going to a pet store and playing with all the puppies, giving them names and voices.
  12. Trying on all the dresses in the nearest thrift store, each picking one for the other to buy.
  13. Wearing the dress from #12 while watching Mrs. Doubtfire.
  14. Friday dance parties set to Now That’s What I Call Music! 4 & 5.
  15. Role playing as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler from SNL’s Weekend Update. We switch off being Tina and Amy, to be fair.
  16. Designing poodle haircuts in our spare time.
  17. Stalking celebrities at parties Jen invites me to – usually ends with us getting drunk, giggling, and running away from everyone.
  18. Inviting over my sister, Emma Stone, to prank call Ryan Gosling – because she has his number.
  19. Walking through West Hollywood, photobombing all paparazzi shots of Robert Downey, Jr.
  20. Playing with Jen’s Oscar, where she presents it to me for my role as Yorin Asshil in “The Rich Beggar.” I trip every goddamn time.
  21. Toilet-papering Josh Hutcherson’s house every Wednesday at 5:27 PM.
  22. Hanging out with Elizabeth Banks, offering plot ideas for Pitch Perfect 2.
  23. Pondering the meaning of life over a bag of chips while watching Friends and talking like we’re Hermione Granger.

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Don’t you dare apologize, Miri – it’s your birthday! Take as many shots as you want. I’ll be there to hold your hair back later, just don’t do any rum – remember last time? Hahahahahaha!!1!

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I know.

Jennifer Aniston Said Something Awesome.

Before the weekend approaches, I feel the need to bestow among my readers some sound advice.

No, not “Always wipe twice, or pay the price.” We should all really have a handle on that one already.

Jen, why do you enlighten us?

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YES. Good lookin’ out, Jen.

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Because It’s My Birthday, Dammit.

Oh hey. Just another Tuesday.

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NOT.

So, it’s my birthday. I’m 28 and feelin’ great, it was totally worth the wait, but I still look like jailbait. And it’s just now dawning on me that I should’ve been a rap superstar.

In honor of turning 28 and, thus, being so much closer to the dirty thirty, I thought I’d borrow an idea from my good friend Vince, who made a list of all the things he’s learned for each year of his life (you should check out his blog, he’s a sassy bitch).

And so, here goes 28 things I’ve learned as I turn 28.

1. I prefer odd numbers.

2. Disney is both full of shit and the greatest thing in the world.

3. I do all my best thinking in the shower. Excluding the time I’m shaving my legs. Age doesn’t make the knees and ankles any easier.

4. I really love movies.

5. Rap music really does all sound the same.

6. Doing your own dishes feels oddly productive.

7. Sometimes, I really think I could be an actress. Amy, Tina – CALL ME.

8. Bangs (fringe, whatever) were the best thing I ever did to my unruly cowlicks.

9. If you travel to another country once, it’ll change your life.

10. Riches aren’t measured by the size of your wallet, but, sometimes, I wish my wallet was sooooo much bigger.

11. I can hardly stay up past midnight anymore.

12. I have a new appreciation of tights. Two words: LEG STUBBLE. See #3.

13. I will never stop loving Britney Spears.

14. Sometimes, I genuinely feel like punching people in the face. I usually settle with a passive aggressive elbow nudge, if anything.

15. I can’t walk and text at the same time.

16. I believe in magic (the kind from Harry Potter and what Sting was singing about).

17. I still yearn for ’90s and ’00s pop music. One Direction will suffice for now.

18. THE KARDASHIANS MUST BE STOPPED.

19. Friends can make any day better. Also, friends can make any day better.

20. Cardigans are legit, guys.

21. I’m now 10 years out of high school, and I still don’t miss it.

22. Wine is the new black. Did I type black? I meant everything.

23. Hangnails are my kryptonite.

24. I can basically style my hair any way I’d like, and that includes an afro. I SWEAR TO GOD.

25. I know Ryan Gosling is a human being, but unicorns started from horses. And Ryan Gosling.

26. Sometimes, I’ll think about how there’s no new Harry Potter books ever again, and I immediately feel sad.

27. My imagination is insaaaaaaane.

28. If you can’t make yourself laugh like an idiot, you’re doing it wrong.

I’ve got a good feeling about 28, and I’m going to celebrate the hell out of it with moderation and responsibility, goddammit.

STOP EYEING ME THIRTY.

Oh hey, cake.

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Top 5 Bromances of All Time

Is there anything better than a strong male bond? Some of you might say, “Duh! GURLFRAAANDS!” but that’s just a given. There have always been ladies loves for us to feast our eyes and emotions on. Such outlets as Sex and the City, Golden Girls, Friends, Laverne and Shirley, Lucy and Ethel, and the more recent Bridesmaids have given the women of the world something to cling to – mainly, that it’s chicks before dicks. Ovaries before brovaries. Breasties before testies. We all know the great girlfriend bonds out there, but what about the great bromances? What are the greatest male bonds that might even make a guy shed a proud tear or two? Let’s discuss.

Before jumping into the list, let me fill you in on the requirements for this very important, extremely well thought out ranking system. First, the duo can’t be real brothers (and by real, I mean in their fictional worlds). That’s just not fair. Sorry Mario and Luigi. Second, it’s pretty much my opinion on things (with some help from my other half, Mike) so let me know if I missed a real good one. Or just shut up and enjoy.

5. Zack Morris & Samuel “Screech” Powers

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This was the real odd couple of bromances. Here’s this hot, blond, up-to-no-good Zack Morris, dream of all high school dreams, whose best friend for life was this super smart, yet incredibly thick-headed geeky Screech Powers. THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. But thanks to the magic of Bayside High School and their totally awesome hangout The Max, we get to see Zack and Screech go through high school and the ups and downs of their bromance. Remember when Zack forgets Screech’s birthday and his robot Kevin helps him patrol the halls only to put his BFF Zack and the rest of the gang in detention because he’s bitter and sad? Or the time when Zack convinces Screech to cut school to go skiing (Zack & Slater pushed a Teacher’s strike into motion) before he participates in the big Academic Bowl but then Screech gets the flu so Zack feels terrible and visits him in the hospital to try to learn everything Screech knows so he can take his place. AWWWWWW, right?!  What great television!!! Zack and Screech always make up – of course. But this bromance was usually a bit one sided, with Zack roping Screech into more trouble than the other way around. However, what makes this bromance so good? Nooooo, not just Zack Morris. It’s the fact that the pretty boy and the geek always seem to stick together, despite what most high school stereotypes might suggest. Kids, it IS possible for the hottest guy in school to be best buds with the nerdiest guy in school! Now doesn’t that just make you so happy?!

4. Han Solo & Chewbacca

How great are these two? If you thought Zack and Screech were an unlikely pair, then get a load of these guys. Nothing says bromance like understanding your own language. What the fuck was Chewie going on about? No clue, but Han always knew what the big guy was urrrrrrr-ahhrrr-arrrrrgghhhnn-ing about, and that’s all we need to know that this is one helluva bromance. Know how Han and Chewie met? Han was supposed to kill the big hairy Wookie but took pity on him and refused, thus Solo was court-martialed from his position as Imperial Lieutenant. THAT’S LOVE! From then on, Chewie left his family behind to be Han’s co-pilot, and they kicked a ton of ass together in that galaxy far, far away. What’s even better about their friendship is the fact that they never expected anything more than each others loyalty. The moment Han refused to kill Chewie back in his Imperial days, they were BFFs – no questions asked. And nothing is better than knowing your BFF has your back no matter what. Especially when said BFF is, like, 8 feet tall. BOOM.

3. Martin Riggs & Roger Murtaugh

They’re not too old for this shit, goddammit! This is my favorite cop duo of all time. Whoever thought of bringing Mel Gibson and Danny Glover together to make Riggs & Murtaugh was a genius because you can feel their chemistry radiating off the screen. Between the police station shenanigans from 2 and 4, the rooftop scene from Lethal Weapon, and the opening sequence from 3 (“Grab the cat!”), the two go together like salt and pepper. Murtaugh’s panicky, I-just-want-to-retire demeanor is so perfectly matched up with Riggs’ spontaneous, I’m-going-to-cut-the-blue-wire-off-a-hunch persona. I also love the fact that those two fuck up a lot, but still get the job done in the end. Plus, we get to see the Murtaugh family – who are awesome – and how much respect Riggs has for them all. And Riggs usually has this fantastically quaffed hair in the majority of the films that plays out so silly with Murtaugh’s tightly kept ‘do. What’s not to love with these two? They’ll never be too old to me.

2. Joey & Chandler

If there was ever a more perfect love story of grown men being best friends, it’s Joey and Chandler from Friends. It was a genius idea on behalf of the writers to continually treat Joey and Chandler like a married couple, though they’re both as straight as the day is long. They have so many discussions that mirror married couples’ plights, and it just makes my insides feel good. I was beside myself when Joey moved out of their apartment during his Days of Our Lives stint. Wah! Rain window!!! But that led to one of the greatest reunions on television (Eddie, anyone?). When two grown men start jumping up and down, dancing together, and then hugging it out – my heart just gets soooooo happy! The sign of a true bromance is when the guys adopt a chick and a duck, thus caring for them as though they are their actual children. Even towards the very end of the series when Monica and Chandler dream of a house in the outskirts of the city, Chandler says aloud, “Of course, we’d have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.” And that folks, is the epitome of best friendship.

1. Cory Matthews & Shawn Hunter

Of all the television shows I grew up watching, this is the ultimate friendship – the ultimate bromance. Cory and Shawn have basically known each other since the beginning of time. Right off the bat, we know they’re BFFs and they’ve been BFFs for a long time. Here’s two kids who grow up with each other without ever letting the other go. Cory has a stable, loving family (ERIC IS THE GREATEST, am I right?) while Shawn comes from a broken home – a trailer home, to be exact. Cory has always been the closet thing to family Shawn has ever had, and because of this they are just the best together. Both are total slackers in school, mainly concentrating all their efforts on sports, girls, and annoying the shit out of Mr. Feeny. Cory is neurotic, Shawn is super chill. Together, they are a wonderfully hilarious duo. They have their fights, of course (what bromance doesn’t? We have to know they love each other, people!), but they’re always able to patch things up no matter how messy it gets. The real clincher, however, is when Cory and Topanga get married. There’s poor Shawn, feeling like he’s losing his bromance, and then Cory getting all panicky (SOOO Cory!). Shawn hangs up his Best Man title, only to return mid-wedding, forcing the spotlight on Cory and Shawn rather than Cory and Topanga. OMGGGGGGG ::tear:: Topanga gets it, she let’s them have their moment. But the best part was Shawn’s Best Man speech:

“Cory and I have been best friends all our lives. And, um, this wedding’s been kinda hard for me because I know – no matter how much we may avoid talking about it – Cory and I aren’t gonna be best friends forever. Things are changing between us. Things have always been changing. We’ve had to deal with life … and death … and Feeny. But no matter what we faced, we always faced it together. So, then how can we possibly be upset with each other on his wedding day? Well, it’s because deep down I think Cory and I both know that we’re not gonna be best friends anymore. And that’s the way it should be. So, this is to Topanga: Cory’s wife … and new best friend.”

AND I’M DYINGGGGGG.

The end. Best bromance of all time.

Honorable mentions:  Aragorn & Legolas, Rocky Balboa & Apollo Creed, John McClane & Allen, Ben Affleck & Matt Damon, Tom Brady & Bill Belichick.

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