He Who Must Not Be Calculated.

Wait a tec. I could’ve sworn Harry killed him.

FUUUUUUUUUU – Clearly, the holder of this calculator is the new Chosen One and now has to enter his school’s Chamber of Secrets, find a basilisk fang, and stab this evil fucking TI-84 Plus (it’s a PLUS, makes it so much harder).

This is the one and only option. There is no other explanation for this cryptic message. None.

It’s going to take you 6 years to do this, man. But you’ll probably hook up with your best friend’s sister by the end of it all, so there’s some incentive. Good luck to you, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

Wait…back up. Totally crossing over.

Ahem. Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.

Expelliarmus, bitches.