Well Played, American Eagle.

Or so I pray to God, because this has to be a joke.

Recently, the PR folks at American Eagle put out a marketing ploy that gave the internet a heart attack. Everyone has come to the realization that this is some kind of April Fool’s joke, but go ahead and make that decision for yourself.

Introducing, the Skinny Skinny Jean.

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HAHAHAHA. Good one, AE. You’re fucking with us, right? Right? DEAR GOD RIGHT???

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Isn’t it sad that for a split second, we all think this could actually be a real thing? AE even has some marketing video for it where people are doing normal things while “wearing” the spray on jean.

I want to know how exactly they suggest people use the bathroom, the best practices for applying it “in there”, whether it’s safe for sensitive skin (if Neutrogena came out with a line, I’d trust it), and just what their shaving directions would be. Is it like Revlon’s ColorStay lipcolor and no amount of wiping will take that shit off? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Considering the fact that there’s so much hideous bullshit in the fashion world (I dare you to check out my posts on meggings and these sandal boots made by Satan himself), this Skinny Skinny spray on ploy is sadly not that far off. People literally want the skinniest jean out there and it makes me cry tears of anger and bloodthirsty venom. Women used to draw seams on the back of their legs to make it look like they were wearing pantyhose – remember? Let’s move forward, world, not backwards.

So I don’t know if I should shake the hands of AE’s marketing execs for making a mockery of the whole “people will buy anything – ANYTHING – to be seen as cool” or if I should punch them all square in the fucking RIGHT EYE for the most godawful fashion idea since metallic meggings.

Anything that makes the mullet look good should be fed to a hungry, angry, horny great white shark.

Shoe Pants Are A Real Thing.

Are you SOOOOOOOO lazy? Then shoe pants might be your next investment and you’re probably gonna die alone, too.

But if you’re a normal person who doesn’t mind putting on your shoes separate from pulling on your pants, then brace yourself. Because OH DEAR GOD.

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Boot-Pants

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Shoes + Pants = PANTS ATTACHED TO SHOES AS ONE THING.

Pants and socks are acceptable. Onesies are functional and practical, they even offer a little garage door for your bum. But THIS – go fuck yourself, fashion.

What I’d really like to see is any of these people go to a department store and try on some shoes. Oh wait, YOU CAN’T. Because you’re a fucking idiot and wore shoe pants.

How do you sit in shoe pants? There can’t be any give in the ass region. See how none of these people are fully sitting? They’re just on the edge of the seat – or in Heidi Klum’s case, waking up on a bench from a long night out and holding in her pee – because they physically cannot sit down, or else their ass will be on complete display for being a fucking idiot and wearing shoe pants.

Seriously, these are not functional. And how DARE you Converse! I trusted you, Chuck. Go home, you’re clearly drunk.

Everyone just go home and think about what the world has come to. Forget world peace, shoe pants needs the U.N.’s attention so we can all throw them in a giant pit and bomb the fuck out of them. Unless we’re all too lazy to put our pants and shoes on separately to walk out the door.

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