A Lesson in Bad Parenting

This picture doesn’t require much messaging, except for what the internet already did to it.

Observe.

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So, what’s the over-under on who said it, mom or dad?

My money is on mom, because her arms are crossed and over it.

Don’t worry, kid. In about 18 years, you can leave for college and never come back.

When I Attempt To Look Under The Hood Of My Car.

Somehow, I always believe that every time I pop the hood up, it will be different, and I’ll know what the fuck I’m looking at – as if magical mechanics dust will blow up at my face as I lift the hood and all will be illuminated.

But then I just stand there.

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And part of me thinks, What the hell are doing standing in front of a running car, you fucking idiot?

We Should All Strive To Be More Asian.

There’s a reason Asians are so goddamn intelligent and successful and good at math.

This here is for all my crasian friends. Because, sometimes, stereotypes are true.

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“You get helmet when you get ‘A’.”

Look at that hand, steady as a fucking rock.

Lessons Learned From Disney.

There’s so much Disney has taught me from a young age, it’s hard to keep track of it all.

Here are a few examples:

  • Magic exists.
  • Mice are basically tiny humans.
  • I should be able to sing with animals.
  • I will likely marry a prince no matter my socioeconomic status.
  • My best friend should probably be a talking animal, preferably one that can sit on my shoulder.
  • Lions are cuddly and in no way harmful.
  • My dinnerware should sing to me while serving me food.
  • Someone is always out to kill me, and they’re likely in my family.

Now I can add this one to the list.

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Goddammit. This is a hard pill to swallow.

Thank you, Disney. Once again you are full of wisdom and sexual undertones.

Lori Beth Denberg Says You’re Making Her Uncomfortable.

Like all children of the 90’s, I watched and believed everything¬†Nickelodeon¬†told me. Of course, this was back when Nick was prime real estate and all their shows were great. There wasn’t any half hour where you’d be like, “Let’s see what else is on.” NO. Nick in the 90’s was pure gold and I’m pretty sure it’s decent into crappy television is why the world goes to war. But I digress.

All That was the SNL for 90’s kids. It was where current SNL member Kenan Thompson came from and where Amanda Bynes should’ve stayed, as a little girl who read me letters from her bedroom. So that sounds creepy now that I just thought about it, but it’s okay because I’m a girl and these inklings are allowed. Besides, “Ask Ashley” was awesome.

The other sweet, sweet part of All That was the glory of Lori Beth Denberg and her uncanny ability to give advice on the most serious of topics. Like so.

Indeed. INDEED. Also, love your Mr. Feeny shirt and vest combo. It’s very becoming and super authoritative. The 90’s were full of buttoned up layers and pit stains. It’s lovely that the style has come screaming back.

Onto another topic of relevance, New Year’s resolutions! I don’t have one, do you? Maybe mine will be to come up with a New Year’s resolution, but I’m not going to pressure myself too much. Perhaps in July it’ll come to me.

Most often, this time of the year people are pushing themselves to lose pounds and get in shape. You might be looking into gym memberships, or maybe you’re trying to actually USE your gym membership. Either way, there are other ways to lose that spare tire and feel good about yourself. Here’s one now!

All you need is some exercise and self-loathing! It’s the one-two punch to creating an awesome and better looking YOU.

Lastly, these fountains were made by the devil.

That’s all.