B.O.O.B.

The older you get, the more you really appreciate the immature simpler things in life.

Like the way grocers line up boxes to make them spell silly stuff.

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This makes a lot of sense, actually. It’s wine, after all.

Wine + BooB = SOLD.

I was going to buy wine anyway, so no-brainer.

Home Depot Knows Kinky.

Home Depot’s slogan is “More saving. More doing.”

That has never been more accurate if you go to isle 15 for home good needs.

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I’m not sure what the savings are, but you can definitely guarantee the doing it part.

Just don’t offer any returns. Store credit, or GTFO.

The Only Isle That Matters.

“Um, yea, hi. I’m going through a rough time in my life right now, and need a serious do-over to get back on track. Do you suggest anything?”

“Go to isle 19. You’ll find everything you need there.”

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EVERYTHING.

Honest Campaigning.

This guy will try to make sure we all feel moderately adequate with our living.

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But don’t get your hopes up, much like with Sex and the City 2. Some things just go really badly.

Medical People Should Know Better.

Well, this is just mean.

AND fucking hilarious.

But mainly mean, even though I’m currently laughing.

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Can’t you just imagine someone coming into this office, seeking help for their OCD, and then they see this directory sign –

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It’s so mean. I can’t stop laughing.

Whatever, hell probably won’t be soo bad.

This Church Wants You To Come More Than Once A Year.

With Easter in just a few weeks, there’s no time like the present to do some serious self-reflection.

This church thinks so, too.

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Look, I don’t ask how often you part your Red Sea, so let’s keep this friendly. Okay? I just want some wine. And you’re really making the idea of the second coming of Christ really uncomfortable for me so stop it now.

Besides, the 7th commandment states, “Thou shalt not jerk and tell” – or something like that.

Words To Live By.

Aren’t the folks at Westboro Baptist Church just the worst?

Anytime they’re in the news, I’m just like –

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They’re always complaining about something, which really goes against everything that I cherish about faith. I believe Mark 2:13 says, “The glass is half full, Steve.” Or something like that. It’s nearly a direct quote from Jesus, that much I know.

So on this fine Friday during Lent, let’s all promise to be good to each other, smile more, judge less, and fart loudly in public. There’s nothing more joyful than hearing someone fart, am I right? I personally am not a loud farter – and prefer it that way, I am a LADY, damnit – but when I hear someone else do it, it’s like a unicorn walked into the room and it’s tickling me.

Yes, I’m 27 years old. Farts are funny as hell, get over it.

Also on the list of words to live by, observe.

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Somewhere in the heavens, God is slow clapping. Don’t be alarmed by the thunder.

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be This Guy.

That confidence, those shades, that sassy pose, those decorative hangy things, and that creative hanger bit with a real piece of fabulous, shiny material.

Hi. My name is Sharon. I don’t want to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m pretty fucking awesome and I hope to reach your level at some point in my life.

Because if I had to make a sign for anything, it’d probably look more like this:

Poetry Is Not Dead – At Least, Not In This Bathroom Stall.

I’m glad to learn that the art of haiku-ing still lives on.

And from a Cee Lo Green pop song, no less!

What have we learned from this fine, if not slightly vomit-inducing, public restroom display of poetry? That perhaps the right haiku could make you a millionaire with a #1 hit song? That you should always equip yourself with a Sharpie when using a public bathroom? That “haiku” should become the new form of television censorship for “fuck you”? (Get on this TBS/TNT)

Or, perhaps, it’s that haikus help stimulate regular bowel movements.

Regardless, I’m glad these disgusting stalls are keeping poetry alive. I’m sure Shakespeare started very similarly, carving sonnets into outhouse walls.

How do I love thee? Let me count my balls.

Yep, probably just like that.