Only in Europe.

Last year for my birthday, I made a list of things I’ve learned, one for every year I’ve blessed this planet with my presence. (You’re welcome.) It would be far too ridiculous to add a 29th thing to that list, so, instead, I’m going to post an inappropriate joke about life.

Thanks to the land of Germany for this bit of honest advertising. Translated, of course. I’m American, after all. Shit ain’t funny when I can’t read it.

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Mean. Clever. Ominous. German.

Well, how else is a funeral service supposed to gain business? Do funeral places usually advertise? Do they get competitive or roam hospitals and senior homes to network? I need to stop asking questions.

Watch for their next ad posted above a cigarette wall, probably titled, “Breathe deep.”

In opposite news, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ME!!!

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Fuck off, thirty. It ain’t your time yet.

Happy Birthday, Britney Spears! My Top 10 Favorite Music Videos from the Holy Spearit.

December is a holy month for so many reasons. First, there’s Jesus. He was born of a virgin, died for our sins, came back from the dead, and became the second most famous person in the universe.

Of course, the single most famous person in the world was also born in the month of December, and today is her birthday.

BRITNEY SPEARS.

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This should come as no surprise to my readers, as I made my blogmission of undying love to the Holy Spearit a while back. Refresher.

In honor of God’s great achievement in entertainment history, present, and future (I’m talking about Britney, ya’ll), I’m listing off my 10 favorite Brit-Brit music videos. I warn you, this was really fucking hard for me to determine, because I pretty much love every goddamn video this woman has released. But, sometimes in life you have to make some hard decisions. SOOOOOMMEETTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMESS.

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Thanks to this video, I’ve never been able to approach a pier the same ever again. (“Where are all the dancers in white? Something is wrong.”)

Now, if you disagree with my rankings, or think I’ve left out a contender (let’s face it, that’s going to happen – WHY DID I ONLY PICK TEN?), I hope you won’t hold it against me. Making this list drove me crazy, as if it was just me against the music. But I made this blog because I was born to make you happy, and it’s toxic, I know. Regardless if you think I’m a criminal for missing any, I’m just trying to work, bitch.

That came to me far too easy. LET’S DO THIS.

10. “Do Somethin'”

This song and video are wildly underrated, and underplayed. Back when I was a dance teacher, I used to spin this baby on repeat in my classes. PUMP UP MAH JAM. Plus, look at how much fun she is having! Gotta love Playfulney.

 

9. “Work Bitch”

Let’s be real, we were all wondering what Britney would do next and how she would present herself. Her answer? Whips, leashes, exploding mannequins, and a mothafuckin’ Vegas residency. THAT is how you promote an album, ladies and gents. Plus, she is smokin’ hot, and giving me the motivation to get a goddamn promotion.

 

8. “Circus”

I hate making this list, because amazing videos like “Circus” end up in a spot like #8. I love this video, I love the sparks, I love Ringleaderney, I love the top hat, I love the lighting, and I love her in that coat. Plus, chair dance Britney strikes again! I’m beginning to think the main ingredients in her perfumes are peaches and glitter.

 

7. “Slave 4 U”

It could be snowing outside and this video would still never fail to make me yank off my scarf and fan myself. This is one of those costume design conversations that probably went something like:

“Hey, what do you think of putting this pink lacy thong over pants?”

“That’s ridiculous and will never work.”

“It’s for Britney to wear.”

“Yes, that’s a gold mine.”

 

6. “Oops!…I Did It Again”

When I first heard the title of this song, I thought it was a joke. Now? Legendary. Should’ve won so many VMAs. Remember when this (and almost all of Brit’s videos) were part of the “Making the Video” MTV show, back when MTV fulfilled its name? This was an excellent episode. The camera fell on Britney during the “star” scene. Never forget.

 

5. “Everytime”

Pardon me while I go cry. This video was such an immense break from Brit’s dance-packed material, and the concept is incredibly heavy. This is ranked #5 based solely on my emotional attachment to Britney, and how difficult it must’ve been to put herself in this deep scenario. Gah. LOOK! A baby. Feel better?

 

4. “…Baby One More Time”

I mean, COME ON. In all honesty, this should probably be ranked higher based on the fact that this is iconic, and it was also the last video shown on the greatest MTV program of all time, TRL. I’m pretty sure male attendance at Catholic high schools skyrocketed after this premiere. See? GODNEY.

 

3. “Me Against the Music”

Britney. Madonna. Britney AND Madonna. Amazing choreography, awesome dancers, great song. For me, this is a no-brainer. I could watch it all day.

 

2. “(You Drive Me) Crazy”

Although I tried to learn all of Brit’s dance moves via tape recording (didn’t you hate it when Carson Daly would only drop a snippet of a TRL video and not the whole thing? STFU.), this was the video that really did me in – I knew this dance from top to bottom. I even performed a little bit from the chorus at my wedding reception. And, hey! There’s even something for the guys in this video – check out that cleavage during the chair routine. Not gonna lie. I did, too. CHESTNEY.

 

2. “Toxic”

Yes, you read that correctly. There’s two #2’s. I could not decide how to cut one of these beauties, so I cheated and allowed a tie. You have to admit, this is a really great tie. The “Toxic” video is perfect for the song. It’s an awesome marriage between visual dreams and audio nirvana. And who would’ve thought Miss Spears looked so great as a redhead? I would be much more inclined to fly often if Brit was a stewardess. SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

 

1. “Stronger”

This is my ultimate Britney video obsession. She just kicks so much ass in this, and she looks amaaaaaaaazing. As someone who danced for nearly 20 years, I have the upmost respect for this video, but she also completely slays the choreography and emotion of the song. Great pop song, even better pop video. It’s just Britney dancing, pure and simple. Plus, she made talking to a chair cool before Clint Eastwood ever did.

 

Honorable Mentions: “Born to Make You Happy,” “If U Seek Amy,” “I Wanna Go.”

 

 

Happy Birthday, Leslie Knope / Amy Poehler! I Hope You Win All The Emmys.

It’s time to stop being productive (or surfing for great tumblrs), and give thanks for a few minutes.

Today is Amy Poehler’s birthday, along with her televised alter ego, Leslie Knope. Two of the greatest people on the planet.

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God, you gifted S.O.B. (it’s an expression! DON’T LIGHTNING BOLT ME.), thank you for bestowing upon us such a wonderful little firecracker.

Let’s observe her wonder.

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Yes. Yes, you abso-fuckin-lutely are, Amy.

Because It’s My Birthday, Dammit.

Oh hey. Just another Tuesday.

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NOT.

So, it’s my birthday. I’m 28 and feelin’ great, it was totally worth the wait, but I still look like jailbait. And it’s just now dawning on me that I should’ve been a rap superstar.

In honor of turning 28 and, thus, being so much closer to the dirty thirty, I thought I’d borrow an idea from my good friend Vince, who made a list of all the things he’s learned for each year of his life (you should check out his blog, he’s a sassy bitch).

And so, here goes 28 things I’ve learned as I turn 28.

1. I prefer odd numbers.

2. Disney is both full of shit and the greatest thing in the world.

3. I do all my best thinking in the shower. Excluding the time I’m shaving my legs. Age doesn’t make the knees and ankles any easier.

4. I really love movies.

5. Rap music really does all sound the same.

6. Doing your own dishes feels oddly productive.

7. Sometimes, I really think I could be an actress. Amy, Tina – CALL ME.

8. Bangs (fringe, whatever) were the best thing I ever did to my unruly cowlicks.

9. If you travel to another country once, it’ll change your life.

10. Riches aren’t measured by the size of your wallet, but, sometimes, I wish my wallet was sooooo much bigger.

11. I can hardly stay up past midnight anymore.

12. I have a new appreciation of tights. Two words: LEG STUBBLE. See #3.

13. I will never stop loving Britney Spears.

14. Sometimes, I genuinely feel like punching people in the face. I usually settle with a passive aggressive elbow nudge, if anything.

15. I can’t walk and text at the same time.

16. I believe in magic (the kind from Harry Potter and what Sting was singing about).

17. I still yearn for ’90s and ’00s pop music. One Direction will suffice for now.

18. THE KARDASHIANS MUST BE STOPPED.

19. Friends can make any day better. Also, friends can make any day better.

20. Cardigans are legit, guys.

21. I’m now 10 years out of high school, and I still don’t miss it.

22. Wine is the new black. Did I type black? I meant everything.

23. Hangnails are my kryptonite.

24. I can basically style my hair any way I’d like, and that includes an afro. I SWEAR TO GOD.

25. I know Ryan Gosling is a human being, but unicorns started from horses. And Ryan Gosling.

26. Sometimes, I’ll think about how there’s no new Harry Potter books ever again, and I immediately feel sad.

27. My imagination is insaaaaaaane.

28. If you can’t make yourself laugh like an idiot, you’re doing it wrong.

I’ve got a good feeling about 28, and I’m going to celebrate the hell out of it with moderation and responsibility, goddammit.

STOP EYEING ME THIRTY.

Oh hey, cake.

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Happy 32nd Birthday, Ryan Gosling – Human Unicorn.

It’s a very important day.

Today we celebrate the birth of Ryan Gosling – the human unicorn. The perfect specimen. A one-of-a-kind golden gift that God is so proud of He’s probably popped open a bottle of champagne and is on glass three by now. Well done, big guy. WELL. DONE.

That’s a stupid fucking question.

In honor of this great day, which I’m sure will end up becoming an international holiday at some point, let’s take a look at some of Ryan’s most recent best moments:

Ryan in a white shirt.

Ryan in a magazine.

Ryan at the airport.

Resort Ryan.

Ryan at the airport again.

Ryan playing an instrument.

Ryan in a doorway.

Ryan on a chair.

Ryan in black and white.

Ryan proving that he can make a pajama top work on the red carpet.

Ryan rubbing his eye.

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Ryan as a pancake.

Ryan breaking up a fight.

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Ryan with his dog.

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Ryan being good with kids.

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