It’s the End of My Twenties And I Feel Fine

Today marks the start of my dirty thirties. I am 30 years old. Thirty. Three-zero. Fourth decade of life.

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Alright I went too far with that last one, because that’s some freaky shit right there.

What better time to revive my hilarious and not-award-winning blog? Exactly. Glad we’re on the same page again, readers. And by readers, I mean my mom. Hi mom.

It seems pretty standard for people to lose their shit when one of these milestone birthdays peer deep into their souls and cause them to stare in a mirror, crying about all the insane expectations we had when we were younger about where we’d be at 30. Hey, weren’t you supposed to be an astronaut and take a few spins around Mars like, five years ago? No? What a loser.

What I learned in my twenties was to scrap all your preconditioned ideas about what you’re supposed to be, where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed be, how you’re supposed to be, and why you’re supposed to be at a certain age. It’s just total bullshit to have those expectations because the best parts of life are the unexpected moments and people who rock your world without any formulated plans.

My boss, Ron Swanson, gave me the perfect gift to accompany this wisdom. Lagavulin 16 scotch whisky and a note that ended with OMNIA PARATUS: Ready for anything.

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In my now thirty years, I’d like to think one of my best qualities is being scrappy, an improv master, and all around make it work aficionado. Our teachers, parents, and coworkers will continuously tell us to ask as many questions as possible. No question is dumb, they said. I’m here to offer an amendment to this rule: take some time to think, let shit sink in, because you can probably answer the question yourself. Or just fucking Google it. Whatever means you choose, you are capable of being the answer, the solution, the method. Find your way, goddammit.

Here’s a list of 15 things I want to achieve this decade, no questions asked:

1. Visit my homeland, Ireland, and relish in all the pale glory.
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2. Watch more good television, and stop assuming Parks & Recreation is still going on.
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3. Start writing a best-selling novel that JK Rowling lauds as the best thing since Harry Potter.
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4. Start writing my biography that will become a feature film starring my celebrity twin, Emma Stone. Emma Watson will be my second choice, but only if she keeps the British accent.

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5. Work with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
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6. Become best friends with above.
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7. Be the “Freakshow” guest at Britney’s Piece of Me show and be whipped by a fucking goddess.
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8. Become best friends with above and begin concocting a plan to unite her and Justin in holy matrimony.
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9. Invent a flying car so we can do this future shit right already.
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10. Become an Avenger. I already have hardware in my back, Stan Lee. Come at me.
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11. Witness Leonardo DiCaprio win an Oscar.
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12. Be in the audience and watch my brothers HardNox perform on Saturday Night Live.
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13. Finally have that sleepover party with my BFF Miri (Jennifer Lawrence, for those out of the loop).
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14. Play Tina Fey in her lifetime movie about her beginnings and career. I’d be so good, you don’t even know.
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15. Experience 7 minutes in heaven with Ryan Gosling. My husband is fully supportive of this.
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This will be a piece of cake.

Unnnghh…cake.

I See What You Did There…

Of all the metaphors, puns, and endless ironies that can be put into action as a bookstore employee, I think this one is a must.

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Granted, I’m not about to sort through any of those books to find the one I want, because I am an American and I have shit to do. However, I WILL buy you a coffee and rest my hand firmly on your shoulder as a sign of good will and accomplishment.

But don’t think I won’t head over to the Fantasy section and hope to see a) Dumbledore, b) Legolas, or c) Tyrion-fucking-Lannister. I have high expectations for this bookstore.

Yes, Yes, Yes – YES. So Much YESSSSSSS.

Magic is fucking real, mothafuggers.

It sounds official: J.K. Rowling, the masterful mind behind Harry Potter, is bringing another magical story to the screen.

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For all you Potterheads out there, Rowling released an awesome accompanying book for the Potterverse in 2001 titled, Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. It’s author is Newt Scamander, but, really, it’s Rowling. Scamander is just another character now part of the Potterverse, which meeeeaaaaans…MORE MAGIC AND SHIT.

The timeline of this series will be 70-years before Harry’s time at Hogwarts, so neither a prequel or sequel – and that’s perfection.

Let’s take this time to celebrate, shall we?

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::tear:: Always, Snape.

Even Filch is pretty stoked.

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Oddly enough, that’s mild amusement for him. But even if it’s not, he can go fuck himself because I’m still upset with what he did in Game of Thrones.

Hermione nailed my reaction, but that’s because Hermione is the greatest witch of our time, and I love her.

So, yes, J.K. DO ALL OF THIS PLEASE. We want more, Pottermore.

 

 

Happy Birthday Jennifer Lawrence, You Beautiful Baby Gazelle.

Today is an awesome day, because it marks the 23rd anniversary of my best friend’s birth.

I’m gonna make her some cake balls, because I know how much she loves cake balls. Tell ’em what you told me, Miri.

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You probably don’t understand, but that’s okay. We’re best friends, it’s what we do.

In honor of my BFF Miri‘s birthday, here’s a list of 23 things we enjoy doing together – or so I can imagine:

  1. Eating cake balls.
  2. Eating french fries.
  3. Being in our sweats.
  4. Side-braiding our hair (I’m the braider, Jen isn’t coordinated enough HAHAHA – she’s soooo silly!).
  5. Attempting our own makeup, only to draw funny faces on each other instead.
  6. Reenacting The Hunger Games as Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck set in Looney Tunes land.
  7. Eating an entire tub of ice cream without using a spoon, just tongues.
  8. Going into public restrooms and playing fart sounds.
  9. Watching all 8 Harry Potter films while eating Chinese food with wands instead of chopsticks.
  10. Counting all the freckles on my face, and connecting them with lines.
  11. Going to a pet store and playing with all the puppies, giving them names and voices.
  12. Trying on all the dresses in the nearest thrift store, each picking one for the other to buy.
  13. Wearing the dress from #12 while watching Mrs. Doubtfire.
  14. Friday dance parties set to Now That’s What I Call Music! 4 & 5.
  15. Role playing as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler from SNL’s Weekend Update. We switch off being Tina and Amy, to be fair.
  16. Designing poodle haircuts in our spare time.
  17. Stalking celebrities at parties Jen invites me to – usually ends with us getting drunk, giggling, and running away from everyone.
  18. Inviting over my sister, Emma Stone, to prank call Ryan Gosling – because she has his number.
  19. Walking through West Hollywood, photobombing all paparazzi shots of Robert Downey, Jr.
  20. Playing with Jen’s Oscar, where she presents it to me for my role as Yorin Asshil in “The Rich Beggar.” I trip every goddamn time.
  21. Toilet-papering Josh Hutcherson’s house every Wednesday at 5:27 PM.
  22. Hanging out with Elizabeth Banks, offering plot ideas for Pitch Perfect 2.
  23. Pondering the meaning of life over a bag of chips while watching Friends and talking like we’re Hermione Granger.

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Don’t you dare apologize, Miri – it’s your birthday! Take as many shots as you want. I’ll be there to hold your hair back later, just don’t do any rum – remember last time? Hahahahahaha!!1!

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I know.

A Very Special Harry Potter Hump Day.

Today is awesome, so don’t even worry about it.

Why, you say? Because July 31st is Harry Potter’s birthday, and also JK Rowling’s birthday – so there’s a double dose of magic in the air. CAN YOU FEEL IT?? Just say yes, and I’ll move on.

In light of today’s most magnificent events, let’s celebrate with some familiar faces, and then cry over the fact that we’ll never get any new Harry Potter anything ever again.

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Your day will not be the same now. #harrypotter tumblrs are waiting for you…

Just go.

Harry Potter Hump Day #3

It’s that time again, when only Harry Potter can get you through the rest of the work week.

Allow me to assist you in this fine and reasonable demand.

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For those who haven’t watched Game of Thrones Season 3 and don’t want to be spoiled – STOP. LOOKING. NOW.

Seriously, stop. Fuck off. Read the books, they’re the shit.

If the above doesn’t apply to you – prepare your mind.

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. . . . .

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SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Now the Freys, Boltons, and Lannisters (save for Tyrion, of course) must really, really, REALLY die. Because Hermione Granger is basically a Stark, and that shit ain’t right.

Just when I thought I was finally getting over the Red Wedding.

GODDAMMIT.

Because It’s My Birthday, Dammit.

Oh hey. Just another Tuesday.

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NOT.

So, it’s my birthday. I’m 28 and feelin’ great, it was totally worth the wait, but I still look like jailbait. And it’s just now dawning on me that I should’ve been a rap superstar.

In honor of turning 28 and, thus, being so much closer to the dirty thirty, I thought I’d borrow an idea from my good friend Vince, who made a list of all the things he’s learned for each year of his life (you should check out his blog, he’s a sassy bitch).

And so, here goes 28 things I’ve learned as I turn 28.

1. I prefer odd numbers.

2. Disney is both full of shit and the greatest thing in the world.

3. I do all my best thinking in the shower. Excluding the time I’m shaving my legs. Age doesn’t make the knees and ankles any easier.

4. I really love movies.

5. Rap music really does all sound the same.

6. Doing your own dishes feels oddly productive.

7. Sometimes, I really think I could be an actress. Amy, Tina – CALL ME.

8. Bangs (fringe, whatever) were the best thing I ever did to my unruly cowlicks.

9. If you travel to another country once, it’ll change your life.

10. Riches aren’t measured by the size of your wallet, but, sometimes, I wish my wallet was sooooo much bigger.

11. I can hardly stay up past midnight anymore.

12. I have a new appreciation of tights. Two words: LEG STUBBLE. See #3.

13. I will never stop loving Britney Spears.

14. Sometimes, I genuinely feel like punching people in the face. I usually settle with a passive aggressive elbow nudge, if anything.

15. I can’t walk and text at the same time.

16. I believe in magic (the kind from Harry Potter and what Sting was singing about).

17. I still yearn for ’90s and ’00s pop music. One Direction will suffice for now.

18. THE KARDASHIANS MUST BE STOPPED.

19. Friends can make any day better. Also, friends can make any day better.

20. Cardigans are legit, guys.

21. I’m now 10 years out of high school, and I still don’t miss it.

22. Wine is the new black. Did I type black? I meant everything.

23. Hangnails are my kryptonite.

24. I can basically style my hair any way I’d like, and that includes an afro. I SWEAR TO GOD.

25. I know Ryan Gosling is a human being, but unicorns started from horses. And Ryan Gosling.

26. Sometimes, I’ll think about how there’s no new Harry Potter books ever again, and I immediately feel sad.

27. My imagination is insaaaaaaane.

28. If you can’t make yourself laugh like an idiot, you’re doing it wrong.

I’ve got a good feeling about 28, and I’m going to celebrate the hell out of it with moderation and responsibility, goddammit.

STOP EYEING ME THIRTY.

Oh hey, cake.

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Thrift Shopping in Diagon Alley.

By now, everyone should know the song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore. It’s the only rap song on the radio that’s actually practical. Why YES, I do like thrift shopping. I find it much more worth my money to browse inexpensive clothing and usable knick knacks than paying $50 for one shirt, because I will most definitely spill something on it or just…drool. Believe that.

So when this crafty little ditty comes on my radio, I crank that shit up. I can respect Macklemore wanting to dress up like a grandfather, it’s not really my thing, but no one can deny the warm suppleness of a knit sweater and elbow patches. I mean, without those patches, your elbows would be imprinted with grids of thread when resting them on a table surface, and that’s fucked up – no matter how much tougher the elbow skin is.

I’m more of a granny chic Maxxinista myself. See, I’m convinced there’s a 70 year-old woman living inside of me (which explains my love of wrapped candies), my name is Sharon Ruth, after all. So if I see a really awesome collared shirt or any shoes with laces, I’m pretty much sold.

Most of the time, places like Urban Outfitters ride the granny train HARD. To the point where, if any grandparent scanned through a bunch of their clothes, they’d be like, “Jesus Abe Lincoln, this shit is old.” But it’s not old, it’s new clothes trying to be old while priced like an antique store, and that’s so much worse. No, I do not want to buy your cut out doily blouse. The back literally doesn’t exist and my bra does. That’s $60 well saved. If you want to dress like a grandpa, thrift that shit.

Thus, the whole “Thrift Shop” tune is something I can actually thoroughly agree with, not just rap along to – which is more acceptable because Macklemore is white. YAY!

This is where I put in a Harry Potter reference, because it’s my blog so I can AND I WILL.

Snape, sup?

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Harry Potter Hump Day, Part Deux.

Because I’m the Chosen Blog and it’s only the greatest day of this week.

Except for tomorrow, when there will be two – TWO – episodes of Parks & Recreation. That’s one whole fucking hour.

Nonetheless, today is Wednesday, also known as Hump Day. Let’s get through mid-week together with some Potterness, shall we? YES.

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He Who Must Not Be Calculated.

Wait a tec. I could’ve sworn Harry killed him.

FUUUUUUUUUU – Clearly, the holder of this calculator is the new Chosen One and now has to enter his school’s Chamber of Secrets, find a basilisk fang, and stab this evil fucking TI-84 Plus (it’s a PLUS, makes it so much harder).

This is the one and only option. There is no other explanation for this cryptic message. None.

It’s going to take you 6 years to do this, man. But you’ll probably hook up with your best friend’s sister by the end of it all, so there’s some incentive. Good luck to you, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

Wait…back up. Totally crossing over.

Ahem. Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.

Expelliarmus, bitches.