The Only Reason I Would Ever Want To Visit Australia.

Besides for Hugh Jackman and the beauty of it all, of course.

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Granted, a mad koala might be a legitimately dangerous thing for Aussies. But here in America, they’re thought of as cute, cuddly, and full of great puns.

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So all I’m thinking is there’s some disgruntled koala roaming the lands, more sad than angry, just hanging his head low and looking for a hug while muttering:

“I lost my temper, I should’ve just shared some dinner with Burt, and now he won’t even look at me. I can’t even eat a leaf right now. I’m upset, life is kinda rough. I hope these cars will understand. I’m just not myself today.”

SO FUCKING CUTE. I’d drop all my plans to go looking for that mad koala.

This Is Why I Will Never Live In Australia. Ever.

Brace yourselves. If you hate spiders or anything else that’s abominable to the earth and makes you scream like a 7-year old girl when trying to smash it with a shoe (but not a good shoe), 10 tissues, or a giant wad of toilet paper, then you would never survive as an Aussie.

Case in point, you might find one of these guys chillin’ on your back door.

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WHATTHEFUCK.

I think I just…I might have fainted briefly. And now I think it’s watching me and tucked under my desk.

Do Aussies deal with these kind of mutant beasts on a regular basis? Because if that’s the case, I might need to rethink the whole “Hey, I’d love to go to Australia before I die” thing. Unless that IS how I would end up dying. In Australia. Eaten by a giant mutant spider.

As a typical American, I have no choice but to assume living in the land from down under is terrifying, all the time. Am I wrong here? Their beaches, they look so…beautiful. And Hugh Jackman, he’s really hot and awesome. Plus, Finding Nemo is a great movie and they swam through a ton of shit just to get to Sydney. Is there a good enough silver lining? Time will tell.

But that SPIDER IS ATROCIOUS.