Jennifer Aniston Said Something Awesome.

Before the weekend approaches, I feel the need to bestow among my readers some sound advice.

No, not “Always wipe twice, or pay the price.” We should all really have a handle on that one already.

Jen, why do you enlighten us?

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YES. Good lookin’ out, Jen.

Iloveyou.

I Have A Thing For Jennifers & Emmas.

There is only one Amy, Tina, and Britney in my life. That much I know. It’s easy to keep those ones straight and love them unconditionally.

But for the rest of my list of lady loves, things tend to seem redundant. By that, I mean they’re literally all Jennifers or Emmas.

Ladies, just know that I love you each individually, for reasons special to you and me. Don’t let the envy consume you, there’s plenty Sharon to go ’round. I know this probably keeps you up at night, wondering which Jennifer or Emma I adore most, and you blank out during your award speeches forgetting to thank me – but I forgive you, because that’s what real life friends do.

Onward. First, the Jennifers.

Jennifer Lawrence

source: perezhilton.com

source: perezhilton.com

Obviously. My BFF also goes by Miri, if you didn’t know. Which you don’t, because you aren’t us. I can’t wait for more Catching Fire trailers to come out and see “Academy Award Winner” in front of Jen’s name. I will shit a gold brick and cry glitter.

Jennifer Garner

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source: tumblr.com

Years ago, I watched Jen on a late night show and she brought pictures from her high school band days. I was totally in band, too, Jen. AND I ALSO PLAYED THE ALTO SAX – WHAT??! She’s married to a great Bostonian, Ben Affleck, and I’m gearing up to marry my own Bostonian, Mike Tomasik. Both of their last names end in “k”. So really, Jen and I go way back.

Jennifer Aniston

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source: tumblr.com

The ridiculous love I feel for Jen Aniston is unmoving. I will defend her against anything. Go ahead, try me. COME AT ME, BRUH. She’s an old friend, or an older sister, or that really amazing young aunt you’ve always wanted. Whatever it may be, I love her as my own.

Jennifer Coolidge

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

The actual weird fucking aunt I’ve always wanted. The one who gives life to holidays because you only go to those family parties to see her, how much she’ll drink, and all the crazy things that come out of her mouth. I just…I want to know her sooooo badly.

Jennifer Hudson

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

If I could have an older sister, I would really, really want it to be Jen. My high school experience would probably have been way better if Jen was there to tell me bitches ain’t shit. Even now, she would keep me in line and give me advice on clothes and food. Jen, sing me a song as I sit on your lap – mkay?

And now, the Emmas.

Emma Stone

source: ign.com

source: ign.com

My reflection. I’m pretty sure we must have shared a fetus somewhere in the past. Perhaps I was 3 years premature, or she was just 3 years late. Regardless, we probably share some DNA because our teeth are the exact same. ISWEARTOGOD. Plus, our voices mushed together make a normal pitched voice, with her baritone and my high-pitched, 4-year old tone. Peas in a fucking pod.

Emma Watson

source: perezhilton.com

source: perezhilton.com

Total. Girl crush. I want her to have all the success in the world because I want to be able to stare at her perfect face forever. I fully understand how creepy that sounds, but it’s also the truth. She’s just so goddamn pretty. Plus, she’s well spoken – duh, British. She’s pleasing to the eyes and ears. I’m just really grateful she’s living in this world. Period.

Emma Thompson

source: rpgifsforthemun.tumblr.com

source: rpgifsforthemun.tumblr.com

She could be my British mother if she wants. I have no qualms about it. See? I’m already using better language just from the thought. Doesn’t she seem like the kind of woman you’d love to go out and have a drink with? I want to get her good and drunk and tell me British stories. Emma Watson can be there to moderate, since they’re Potter pals.

Emma Geller-Green

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

DAMN STRAIGHT. She’s literally only on here because Jen Aniston sort of gave birth to her, and now the name Emma will always have a connection to Friends. So jealous.

Emmy Rossum

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

I cheated, fuck off. Close enough, though, right? Besides, this gorgeous woman deserves more attention in the world. She can be this beautiful songstress, and then flip the switch and be a badass on Shameless. She’s my style icon and I want to rip her hair off and sew it onto my head.

This Shrub Hates You & The World.

It looks like the shrubbery I planted outside of Angelina Jolie’s house has finally come into its own.

tree hates world

I call it the Jenniflower. What do you think of it, Jen, darling?

jen aniston

Goddamn right. No big. Heart you.

 

Happy Galentine’s Day! The 5 Best Femaleships in Hollywood.

It’s the day before Valentine’s Day, which means today the female race is prepping either for depression or excitement. I’m sure no matter what the emotion is, we’ll all read about it on Facebook with accompanying pictures of flowers, candies, or single-lady wine.

So let’s hold off preparing for the onslaught of attention seekers and take some time to celebrate us ladies! I don’t give a shit if you have a boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, booty call, nobody, or an animal lover (just don’t EVER tell me), today is about breasties before testies, ovaries before brovaries, uteruses before duderuses.

In light of the best day ever, I’m counting down the five greatest female friendships in Hollywoodland, according to yours truly. That’s me! (Because it’s the only opinion that matters on this blog.)

LET’S KICK IT.

5. Oprah Winfrey & Gayle King

image source: people.com

I mean, duh. They aren’t number one because these two ladies are such a mainstay over the past five billion years that it’s just not fair to the rest of the famous females to give them the top spot. But rest assured, there’s always a reserved space for Oprah and her King.

4. Tiffani Thiessen & Jennie Garth

image source: usmagazine.com

Can you believe Kelly Kapowski/Valerie Malone and Kelly Taylor are real life BFFs?? This is a match made in ’90s heaven! The Kellys may have been mortal enemies on 90210, but they’ve been gal pals since Kelly 1 started on set with Kelly 2. They just make me feel so old and wonderful, my childhood is just squealing with glee inside!

3. Nicole Kidman & Naomi Watts

image source: theworldofcelebrity.com

THESE TWO. They’re like Winnie the Pooh and Piglet, but only in height. N-squared met and best-friended each other before becoming two of the most talented and refined actresses in the fucking world. My GAWD – can you imagine being a gigantic acting heavyweight with your BFF? I bet they play Barbies together using their award statues they’ve racked up between them.

2. Jennifer Aniston & Courtney Cox

image source: huffingtonpost.com

This best friendship is literally a dream come true. The fact that Rachel Green and Monica Geller are real life BFFs simply makes life better and unicorns exist. They both went through very public divorces/breakups and are still individually hugely successful. They’re just like, Ohh heyyyy, we’re hangin’ out in Cabo being massively talented old co-stars together and still humungous celebrities of television and movies. NO BIG DEAL. And you know what they say: friends who vacation together, stay together. Unless you’re Taylor Swift.

1. Amy Poehler & Tina Fey

image source: tressugar.com

LET’S BE A TRIPOD GODDAMMIT. Was it really much of a surprise I’d have them at the top spot? Knope. ‘Nuff said.

image source: tumblr.com

10 Reasons Why I Need To Be Friends With Bradley Cooper.

I have had an epiphany.

Usually, all one needs to do is meet Kevin Bacon in order to know every celebrity on the planet. But there are a lot of celebrities in this world, many of whom I don’t exactly care to rub elbows with. So think of Kevin Bacon as the celebrity lottery guy and you have 10 famous folks in your head that you’d really, REALLY want to meet, but because he knows everyone you might get stuck with Angelina Jolie, and she’ll force you to bottle your blood and lick her Malaysian child before you’re able to shake her hand.

So in an effort to avoid the likes of Angelina Jolie, it’s recently come to my attention – after an unashamedly long time spent Googling celebrity names – that Bradley Cooper is my ticket to meeting all the famous people I’d want to split a lunch tab with (as long as lunch is at Subway).

Let me first start off by saying, it’s Bradley Cooper, so I’m pretty fucking excited about this prospect.

Second, do you think he’d let me call him Coop? Like in The OC? Maybe? Probably not.

Let’s kick this list off, shall we?

1. Ryan Gosling

I don’t know why I’m not between them right now.

2. Wet Hot American Summer cast

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All of them. I would know ALL OF THEM. Amy Poehler (which would lead to a best friendship with Rashida Jones and Tina Fey, of course), Paul Rudd, Ken Marino, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Ian Black, Molly Shannon – the list goes on! I’d be killing so many birds with one Coop.

3. These guys.

This picture happened and I don’t know why I’m not being held sideways by them. REDO.

4. Jennifer Aniston

They used to date (Whaaaaaaaaa?) but now they’re friends and I must be their third. My cheek would totally fit here, pressed on the other side of Coop’s face.

5. Ryan Gosling

That’s right. TWICE.

6. Jennifer Lawrence

If you have to ask, then you don’t know me at all and weren’t aware that I’m actively stalking her (on the internet) until we become best friends.

7. No Shirt Party with Leo DiCaprio

JESUS CHRIST. It’s pretty obvious in this picture that Leo is disappointed I’m not there.

8. Ben Affleck AND Emma Stone

Are you fucking kidding me? Bradley Cooper – CALL ME.

9. Robert Downey Jr.

LET ME IN TO YOUR CLUB.

10. Ryan Gosling

I understand they didn’t take this picture together but it doesn’t fucking matter. And yes, THRICE.

So it’s pretty clear that Bradley Cooper is the new Kevin Bacon of my life, and I hope we bump into each other on the outskirts of town and are like, “Oh hey, cool shoes!” and he’s like, “Aren’t you that magnificently gifted blogger?” And then we become friends and trade off hosting game nights with ALL OF THE ABOVE.

And everything will be stripping games. For the men. Because, feminism.