My 2014 Oscar Predictions: Either Way, the World Will Cry with Leo.

The nominees for the 86th Academy Awards were announced this morning by a very modern looking Thor.

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Oh, heyyyyyyy. I like your face, and what’s going on with it, and how it looks. Takeoffyourshirt.

Onto the real business, I’m about to give you the inside scoop about the main categories. And by inside scoop, I mean inside my head. This place is cah-raaaaazy.

Who will win, who should win, and how the win will go down. It’s all here, folks. OMG – my excitement!!! RAHHH!

Let’s begin.

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Who will win: 12 Years a Slave. It’s unfortunate I haven’t gotten around to seeing this movie yet, but I imagine it’s worth its weight in a golden statue.

Who should win: Gravity. This movie was one of the earlier releases listed, and it’s resonated with me long after my viewing. I saw this the day of my 10th backiversary (aka, 10 year mark since I had corrective back surgery from scoliosis), so it hit a sweet spot none of the others could/can. Right place, right time, right everything.

How the win will go down: Brad Pitt will introduce the movie with his African looking child, the Academy will be too prudish and ashamed of the numerous times they watched American Hustle, Her, and The Wolf of Wall Street just for the side boob, cooch shot, and ScarJo sexy talk. They’ll fear Alfonso Cuaron will say “syphilis” when he is actually telling George Clooney to “sit with us” because he opted for a more youthful table. A no-brainer mixture of great movie making and white guilt will propel the amazing Steve McQueen to the winners circle, especially since everyone still feels bad over Drive‘s snubs. McQueen’s glasses frames will become the new biggest trend in San Francisco.

 

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Who will win: Matthew McConaughey.

Who should win: Leo, of course. And I would freak. out.

How the win will go down: The world will hold its breath, waiting for the chance to hear Leo’s name finally called to accept an 8-inch naked man of gold. Cool Hand Matthew is called and everyone feels confused because McConaughey is excellent and has paved an incredible new path for himself, but…what about Leo? Salt is poured into the wound when everyone realizes Matthew was also in The Wolf of Wall Street, only appearing in scenes with Leo. The world begins to cry with Leo as he weep-texts Kate Winslet, “I should have never let go.”

Best alternate ending: Leo wins and the whole world cries with him. Either way this goes, the world will cry with Leo. I’M ROOTING FOR YOU, MAN.

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Who will win: Cate Blanchett. With Amy a close second.

Who should win: Sandra Bullock. This won’t happen, I’m just far too attached to this movie. Cate and Amy (we’re on first name basis, don’t you know?) are both spectacular in their roles, and I would love if either won. Especially Amy, who is a six-time nominee with no naked gold man to fondle at home.

How the win will go down: Gandalf is swept onto stage by Shadowfax and Legolas. The big G glides down from behind Legolas and approaches the microphone. He closes he eyes and lifts his staff in the air, wielding the knowledge of the winner into his mind as he proclaims, “CATE BLANCHETT.” Dressed in the hairs of angels, Cate drifts to the stage without a toe even touching the floor. She accepts the award looking into the camera, lips unmoving, but her voice loud and clear. Amy Adams mutters “precious,” and the world goes cloudy and still.

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Who will win: Jared Leto.

Who should win: Jared Leto. I haven’t seen the movie, but even I know this isn’t a contest. Too bad, I really liked you, Jonah Hill(‘s teeth).

How the win will go down: Jennifer Lawrence will present the award from the stairs, where she fell, even though she was entering from the back of the stage. She’s silly, these things happen. Since she’s just like you and me, she squeals out, “OMG Jared Leto!” and the ’90s teenager in all of us will die of heartache, internally screaming, “I WANT MY MTV!” Leto will then accept his award by piercing his eyes into our souls, and then his ponytail will grow upward and higher until it breaks through the roof. Leto will climb it, only to return 8 years later with another award winning performance.

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Who will win: Lupita Nyong’o. Because I doubt the Academy would award Jen two years in a row.

Who should win: Jennifer Lawrence. Never has crazy and manipulative looked so damn good.

How the win will go down: While Jennifer Lawrence breathes a clear sigh of relief, Lupita walks gloriously toward the stage and ascends the stairs without fail. During her acceptance speech, she uses words that are far to big and important for any average American to understand, because she’s a Yale grad, and then pushes her perfect shoulders back as a cape suddenly cascades down to the floor. She gracefully declines her signaled exit to stage left, and, instead, floats away over the audience and out of the theater. Seconds later, Twitter breaks from news that she saved a baby from a burning building, and looked fabulous doing it. All females shave their heads in pride and admiration.

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Leonardo DiCaprio Might Be The Greatest Name in Showbiz.

The title is merely a fact I just made up, but it’s accurate. Take a minute to absorb that sentence.

Moving on. This past weekend was one for the books.

  • Patriots advanced to the AFC Championship game (Bostonian hubby is thrilled, as am I) after a not so stellar start to the season.
  • Niners advanced to the NFC Championship game as they continue to defy the odds on the road and test the pigmentation of my hair.
  • Since I tend to keep myself business when terrified over a game, our apartment has never been cleaner. This is a huge win.
  • Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, once again, were funny and fabulous hosting the Golden Globes. If only they had been featured more.
  • My best friend Miri (you know her as Jennifer Lawrence) won her second Golden Globe at the crusty age of 23.
  • AMY POEHLER WON BEST ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION COMEDY. Then a horse grew a unicorn horn and became a better living thing.
  • Leo DiCaprio won Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical, even though he’s not nominated for anything else in the upcoming awards week, raising his chances at an Oscar nod. This is good for the world.

So many warm and fuzzies!

Speaking of getting warm and fuzzy, let’s revisit one of last night’s best jokes.

KFMnjol

To which Leo basically responded like –

leostrutoriginal

Because not only was it a joke, it was a pretty spot-on fact. Bravo, all around.

What really matters here is this: Leo’s Oscar winning chances have improved! See above picture for reaction.

In related Globes news, Jim Carrey is still fucking hilarious.

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ZINNNNNNNGAH! Thanks for coming, Jim. Really looking forward to some more Harry & Lloyd.

In closing, Lupita Nyong’o might be the most beautiful woman on the planet.

NBC's "71st Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I should really wear more capes.

Happy Birthday Jennifer Lawrence, You Beautiful Baby Gazelle.

Today is an awesome day, because it marks the 23rd anniversary of my best friend’s birth.

I’m gonna make her some cake balls, because I know how much she loves cake balls. Tell ’em what you told me, Miri.

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You probably don’t understand, but that’s okay. We’re best friends, it’s what we do.

In honor of my BFF Miri‘s birthday, here’s a list of 23 things we enjoy doing together – or so I can imagine:

  1. Eating cake balls.
  2. Eating french fries.
  3. Being in our sweats.
  4. Side-braiding our hair (I’m the braider, Jen isn’t coordinated enough HAHAHA – she’s soooo silly!).
  5. Attempting our own makeup, only to draw funny faces on each other instead.
  6. Reenacting The Hunger Games as Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck set in Looney Tunes land.
  7. Eating an entire tub of ice cream without using a spoon, just tongues.
  8. Going into public restrooms and playing fart sounds.
  9. Watching all 8 Harry Potter films while eating Chinese food with wands instead of chopsticks.
  10. Counting all the freckles on my face, and connecting them with lines.
  11. Going to a pet store and playing with all the puppies, giving them names and voices.
  12. Trying on all the dresses in the nearest thrift store, each picking one for the other to buy.
  13. Wearing the dress from #12 while watching Mrs. Doubtfire.
  14. Friday dance parties set to Now That’s What I Call Music! 4 & 5.
  15. Role playing as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler from SNL’s Weekend Update. We switch off being Tina and Amy, to be fair.
  16. Designing poodle haircuts in our spare time.
  17. Stalking celebrities at parties Jen invites me to – usually ends with us getting drunk, giggling, and running away from everyone.
  18. Inviting over my sister, Emma Stone, to prank call Ryan Gosling – because she has his number.
  19. Walking through West Hollywood, photobombing all paparazzi shots of Robert Downey, Jr.
  20. Playing with Jen’s Oscar, where she presents it to me for my role as Yorin Asshil in “The Rich Beggar.” I trip every goddamn time.
  21. Toilet-papering Josh Hutcherson’s house every Wednesday at 5:27 PM.
  22. Hanging out with Elizabeth Banks, offering plot ideas for Pitch Perfect 2.
  23. Pondering the meaning of life over a bag of chips while watching Friends and talking like we’re Hermione Granger.

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Don’t you dare apologize, Miri – it’s your birthday! Take as many shots as you want. I’ll be there to hold your hair back later, just don’t do any rum – remember last time? Hahahahahaha!!1!

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I know.

Emma Stone, My Celebrity Sister.

People often ask me, how can Jennifer Lawrence be your best friend and Emma Stone not?

SILLY PEASANTS.

It’s quite simple. Jen is my best friend, but Emma and I are fucking sisters. I swear to God, somewhere we share blood because the facts are just unavoidable.

Take, for instance, her new haircut that Refinery29 just posted.

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OMG MY HAIR IS LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW, TOOOO.

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I’m also very red in the face, goddamn pale fucking complexion. It’s alright, Emma. Let’s just blame great-Grammy, who I image is named Meryl.

Additionally, Emma and I can combine name forces to create one of the most badass and strangest actresses in Hollywood.

9 Catherine Tramall

This doesn’t actually mean anything in terms of our sisterhood, but fuck you, it’s cool.

Anyway, besides the fact that we seem to have the same teeth (I have no real photographic evidence of this, I just believe it as fact deep in my soul), we also had similar upbringings.

  • Her last name was anglicized when her family migrated to the States – SO WAS MINE.
  • She is of very white, European descent – SO AM I.
  • She attended an all-girls Catholic high school – SO DID I.
  • She is naturally a blonde – AS AM I. (Sort of, I was born dirty blonde, but age has made me more brunette. Give it a few years, Em. You’ll catch up with the genes.)
  • She has freckles – ME TOO.
  • She is (apparently) 5’6″ in height – I’M 5’7″ SO THAT’S BASICALLY THE SAME.
  • And greenish/blueish eyes – CHECK DAT.
  • In a relationship with someone who has an accent – YUP.
  • She is a huge fan of Conan O’Brien (her twitter handle is @stonenobrien, for fuck’s sake) – YES ME TOO.
  • Seems to have an obsession/actual friendship with Ryan Gosling – ONE OF THOSE, YES.

I mean, this information is kind of overwhelming. We clearly share some DNA strand, because no one else could possibly check all of that off except for me.

Thus, Emma (or shall I call her Emily? Since that’s her real name and what her family/friends call her, heretofore ME.) and I should be reconciled and share Thanksgivings and Christmases together, and any other major holiday we see fit.

Em, what say you?

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Exactly.

My BFF’s Movie Just Got A Full Length Trailer.

It’s pretty much public knowledge that Jennifer Lawrence and I are best buds. And by public knowledge, I mean I’ve stated it here on my blog and written a bunch of awesome crap about my unconditional love for her. Nothing creepy, really.

SHAKASLAAAMMMMMM.

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Jen and the Hunger Games crew unveiled the full length trailer for Catching Fire, the movie adaptation for the second book of the Hunger Games trilogy. Cue me shitting my pants.

It must be said, because this is really important for you to keep living your life with contentment, I think Catching Fire is the best book of the series. So much happens, and it’s all sooooooo good. There’s much to be said regarding the impact this series has made, but the best part comes in twofold: 1) author Susan Collins’ commentary on socioeconomics, reality television, and government control (OMGSOMUCH), and 2) Jennifer Lawrence is the shit.

Donald Sutherland had some fabulous words to say about the depth of this series, go ahead and peep an old blog I wrote about it here. DO IT OR I’LL BE SO SAD.

Enough of this chitter-chatter. Watch, and then change your shorts, like me.

I Have A Thing For Jennifers & Emmas.

There is only one Amy, Tina, and Britney in my life. That much I know. It’s easy to keep those ones straight and love them unconditionally.

But for the rest of my list of lady loves, things tend to seem redundant. By that, I mean they’re literally all Jennifers or Emmas.

Ladies, just know that I love you each individually, for reasons special to you and me. Don’t let the envy consume you, there’s plenty Sharon to go ’round. I know this probably keeps you up at night, wondering which Jennifer or Emma I adore most, and you blank out during your award speeches forgetting to thank me – but I forgive you, because that’s what real life friends do.

Onward. First, the Jennifers.

Jennifer Lawrence

source: perezhilton.com

source: perezhilton.com

Obviously. My BFF also goes by Miri, if you didn’t know. Which you don’t, because you aren’t us. I can’t wait for more Catching Fire trailers to come out and see “Academy Award Winner” in front of Jen’s name. I will shit a gold brick and cry glitter.

Jennifer Garner

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source: tumblr.com

Years ago, I watched Jen on a late night show and she brought pictures from her high school band days. I was totally in band, too, Jen. AND I ALSO PLAYED THE ALTO SAX – WHAT??! She’s married to a great Bostonian, Ben Affleck, and I’m gearing up to marry my own Bostonian, Mike Tomasik. Both of their last names end in “k”. So really, Jen and I go way back.

Jennifer Aniston

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source: tumblr.com

The ridiculous love I feel for Jen Aniston is unmoving. I will defend her against anything. Go ahead, try me. COME AT ME, BRUH. She’s an old friend, or an older sister, or that really amazing young aunt you’ve always wanted. Whatever it may be, I love her as my own.

Jennifer Coolidge

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

The actual weird fucking aunt I’ve always wanted. The one who gives life to holidays because you only go to those family parties to see her, how much she’ll drink, and all the crazy things that come out of her mouth. I just…I want to know her sooooo badly.

Jennifer Hudson

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

If I could have an older sister, I would really, really want it to be Jen. My high school experience would probably have been way better if Jen was there to tell me bitches ain’t shit. Even now, she would keep me in line and give me advice on clothes and food. Jen, sing me a song as I sit on your lap – mkay?

And now, the Emmas.

Emma Stone

source: ign.com

source: ign.com

My reflection. I’m pretty sure we must have shared a fetus somewhere in the past. Perhaps I was 3 years premature, or she was just 3 years late. Regardless, we probably share some DNA because our teeth are the exact same. ISWEARTOGOD. Plus, our voices mushed together make a normal pitched voice, with her baritone and my high-pitched, 4-year old tone. Peas in a fucking pod.

Emma Watson

source: perezhilton.com

source: perezhilton.com

Total. Girl crush. I want her to have all the success in the world because I want to be able to stare at her perfect face forever. I fully understand how creepy that sounds, but it’s also the truth. She’s just so goddamn pretty. Plus, she’s well spoken – duh, British. She’s pleasing to the eyes and ears. I’m just really grateful she’s living in this world. Period.

Emma Thompson

source: rpgifsforthemun.tumblr.com

source: rpgifsforthemun.tumblr.com

She could be my British mother if she wants. I have no qualms about it. See? I’m already using better language just from the thought. Doesn’t she seem like the kind of woman you’d love to go out and have a drink with? I want to get her good and drunk and tell me British stories. Emma Watson can be there to moderate, since they’re Potter pals.

Emma Geller-Green

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

DAMN STRAIGHT. She’s literally only on here because Jen Aniston sort of gave birth to her, and now the name Emma will always have a connection to Friends. So jealous.

Emmy Rossum

source: tumblr.com

source: tumblr.com

I cheated, fuck off. Close enough, though, right? Besides, this gorgeous woman deserves more attention in the world. She can be this beautiful songstress, and then flip the switch and be a badass on Shameless. She’s my style icon and I want to rip her hair off and sew it onto my head.

So My Best Friend Totally Won An Oscar Last Night.

Hypothetical best friend, but that’s just a silly technicality based off the fact that we haven’t met.

Regardless, Jennifer Lawrence (who I like to call Miri, because we’re tight like that…in my head) won the Oscar last night for Best Actress and I screamed like a little girl.

jen lawrence oscar

The best part was my mom said to me after the show, “You called it! The Academy must read your blog.” To which I replied:

Bahahaha

That’s sweet, Ma, and you’re probably right. VICTORY IS SWEET.

But not as sweet as this fall.

jen lawrence falls

Of course she fell, it’s soooooo Jen to fall. I would know, we’re best friends. And how nice was Hugh Jackman to rush in and try to help her? She had no idea there was a piece of hot Aussie ass extending his man hand out to try and assist her. It’s only the biggest moment in her career in the biggest dress of all time.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

Miri sure knows how to recover though, am I right?

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Let’s recap the rest of her embarrassing and perfect moments from last night.

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NO I CAN’T EVEN.

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Never change, Jen.

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Just cheers-ing her Oscar with her fellow winners, which includes Daniel Fucking-Day-Lewis, possibly the greatest living actor right now. NO BIG. HA HA HA!

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Then, as Jen is giving a legendary post-Oscar interview, Jack Nicholson interrupts and tells her she’s fantastic and perfect and amazing and all things I already knew because we’re best friends.

RANDOM MIRI FACT: Did you know Jen/Miri hates the club scene because she “doesn’t have the stomach to get really wasted. Four drinks, and I’m barfing.” WE ARE THE SAME PERSON. (see About Me section or ask Mike.)

Basically, to sum up last night’s Oscars:

jen lawrence yea

Yep, nailed it.

Oscar Sunday: Give It To Jennifer Lawrence, Goddammit.

I’m still smiling like an idiot from last night’s back-to-back episodes of Parks & Recreation, featuring the greatest television wedding of all time.

My emotions can best be summed up by this visual aid.

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So while I’m floating on this cloud of fucking SPLENDOR, I’d like to make a last ditch plea to the Academy Awards – since I’m sure they’re all avid readers of my little blog here.

Firstly, the Oscars are on Sunday.

Kristen-Wiig-Will-Ferrell-Golden-Globes

Secondly, give Jennifer Lawrence a golden naked man statue. In 2012, she was amazing in Silver Linings Playbook, she starred in The Hunger Games and kicked so much ass, and she managed to basically be the greatest human being on Earth (tied with Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Jennifer Aniston, and Emma Stone – naturally). Ryan Gosling remains in a world of his own. Unicorns aren’t human, after all. C’mon.

Right now, the Best Actress category seems like a three-way race between Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Chastain, and Emmanuelle Riva. So how do each stack up?

Jessica Chastain starred in Zero Dark Thirty, a movie that is sadly being thrown to the wayside by the Oscars. Chastain might be the only shot this movie has at some golden recognition, but I don’t think this ginger firecracker was the best thing about the movie. She proved her intelligence, but this story was never about her life as much as it was about her work, so the emotional depth of her character Maya was total shit. Jason Bourne had a fuller life when he couldn’t even remember it. Thus, the real star of the show is Kathryn Bigelow, who directed ZD30 and did a helluva job of it. The last act where the Navy Seals go on their mission was the epitome of shitting-your-pants excitement. No background score needed, just heavy breathing, whispers, and the worse anxiety of my fucking life. So if anyone should get some kudos from this film, it should be Bigelow. But the Oscars are awful and didn’t nominate her. Here’s hoping ZD30 scores an editing win or something. Pitiful.

Emmanuelle Riva starred in Amour, which I haven’t seen but I hear it’s suuuuuuper depressing. She one half of an old couple and they’re dying together so and it’s like the French version of The Notebook but with only the old people. I’m sure it will destroy all feeling of good in you. Riva just won the BAFTA (basically the British Oscars) for Best Actress, but that’s about it. Her only other heart string to pull is the fact that she’s incredibly old and will turn 86 on Oscar night. GODDAMN YOU RIVA. You make such a strong case. Amour will definitely win the Best Foreign Picture category, so perhaps voters will be settled enough with that. Regardless, I’m looking forward to seeing this movie at some point, but I’ll wait until I feel that maybe love isn’t real so it won’t tear me down and lose all hope in humanity.

Jennifer Lawrence. She won the Golden Globe for Best Comedy Actress and the SAG Award for Best Actress. I’m pretty sure she single-handedly brought Robert DeNiro out of his acting funk, and, for this, she must be rewarded. The girl knows how to act but not how to give acceptance speeches, which means hers are the best and I hope to GAWD that she wins the Oscar. She won’t even know what to do with herself, she’ll probably say the words “poop” and “rash” among an audience of Daniel Day Lewis. Perfection.

So, please, Oscar – give it up for my unofficial friend Miri. You know you want to, just imagine the possibilities.

j Law haute couture   J Law red carpet

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jennifer-lawrence-golden-girls-acceptance-speech-funny   j Law GG post

May the odds be ever in her favor.

10 Reasons Why I Need To Be Friends With Bradley Cooper.

I have had an epiphany.

Usually, all one needs to do is meet Kevin Bacon in order to know every celebrity on the planet. But there are a lot of celebrities in this world, many of whom I don’t exactly care to rub elbows with. So think of Kevin Bacon as the celebrity lottery guy and you have 10 famous folks in your head that you’d really, REALLY want to meet, but because he knows everyone you might get stuck with Angelina Jolie, and she’ll force you to bottle your blood and lick her Malaysian child before you’re able to shake her hand.

So in an effort to avoid the likes of Angelina Jolie, it’s recently come to my attention – after an unashamedly long time spent Googling celebrity names – that Bradley Cooper is my ticket to meeting all the famous people I’d want to split a lunch tab with (as long as lunch is at Subway).

Let me first start off by saying, it’s Bradley Cooper, so I’m pretty fucking excited about this prospect.

Second, do you think he’d let me call him Coop? Like in The OC? Maybe? Probably not.

Let’s kick this list off, shall we?

1. Ryan Gosling

I don’t know why I’m not between them right now.

2. Wet Hot American Summer cast

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All of them. I would know ALL OF THEM. Amy Poehler (which would lead to a best friendship with Rashida Jones and Tina Fey, of course), Paul Rudd, Ken Marino, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Ian Black, Molly Shannon – the list goes on! I’d be killing so many birds with one Coop.

3. These guys.

This picture happened and I don’t know why I’m not being held sideways by them. REDO.

4. Jennifer Aniston

They used to date (Whaaaaaaaaa?) but now they’re friends and I must be their third. My cheek would totally fit here, pressed on the other side of Coop’s face.

5. Ryan Gosling

That’s right. TWICE.

6. Jennifer Lawrence

If you have to ask, then you don’t know me at all and weren’t aware that I’m actively stalking her (on the internet) until we become best friends.

7. No Shirt Party with Leo DiCaprio

JESUS CHRIST. It’s pretty obvious in this picture that Leo is disappointed I’m not there.

8. Ben Affleck AND Emma Stone

Are you fucking kidding me? Bradley Cooper – CALL ME.

9. Robert Downey Jr.

LET ME IN TO YOUR CLUB.

10. Ryan Gosling

I understand they didn’t take this picture together but it doesn’t fucking matter. And yes, THRICE.

So it’s pretty clear that Bradley Cooper is the new Kevin Bacon of my life, and I hope we bump into each other on the outskirts of town and are like, “Oh hey, cool shoes!” and he’s like, “Aren’t you that magnificently gifted blogger?” And then we become friends and trade off hosting game nights with ALL OF THE ABOVE.

And everything will be stripping games. For the men. Because, feminism.

A Love Letter to Jennifer Lawrence, My Hypothetical New Friend.

Oh hey, Jen. Jenny. Jennifer. J Law. Which do you prefer? Maybe just J? Or perhaps we could get totally random and I could call you Miriam, then Miri for short? It would be sooo silly and end up being this inside joke that only you and I get. I think you’d love that, because you’ve got a few screws loose, and I dig that about you.

It comes as no surprise that I’m still abnormally invested in gaining some kind of friendship with Jennifer Lawrence (and Emma Stone, but she will get her own blog post at some point. The three of us would be amazing together, never fight, only eat ice cream, and watch bad television). Back in September 2012, I wrote a blog about how invaluable Miss Lawrence is to all of us, especially since the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes are flying off the life wagon.

Now with J Law riding the success of the magnificent gem that is Silver Linings Playbook and, thus, parading through shit-tons of interviews and acceptance speeches, it’s become even more evident how perfect we are for each other. It’s clear that a friendship between us would make both our lives so much greater, and peace would begin spreading through the world as unicorns, once again, feel safe to roam the earth. Fireworks, people. That’s what I’m saying.

I’m not exactly in the market for more friends, I’ve got a handful of amazing pals and a really great guy, so I’m pretty well stacked. But sometimes there are people you’re struck by and you think, “Wow, I would totally risk a restraining order to become friends with that person.”

Jennifer, you’re totally that person for me – and by the grace of Google, if you find this blog post, I firmly believe you’d appreciate that restraining order bit. I mean, I’m kind of joking, but I just feel really sure that you’d like me, because if your voice is the combination of Fergie and Jesus (see above), then mine is the combo of will.i.am and God. So, basically, I sound like an autotuned Morgan Freeman.

First of all, we have a lot in common. For instance.

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Ditto, Miri. We can go to McDonald’s, buy ten orders of large french fries, and then try eating them with only our elbows. This would probably only last for about 15 seconds because, let’s face it, those french fries smell too fucking good and we’ll need all ten fingers.

Secondly, even though I’m about five years older than you, I believe the way you react in all your fancy shmancy awards show red carpets and wins is exactly the way I would. You don’t know what the hell you’re doing and you say amazingly weird things that only reinforces the fact – yes, FACT – that we’d be friends forever. I’d love to introduce you to my husband’s handsome single brother who’s around your age. We could be neighbors and have movie marathons and reread Harry Potter every year. So good.

See, you thanked MTV in your SAG acceptance speech last night (OMG CONGRATS! I definitely screamed for you because I thought Jessica Chastain had it all locked up. I desperately want you to win an Oscar now), and, once again, you shot a friendship arrow right through my fucking heart. Stop teasing me, Jenny. Let’s just have lunch already and begin our happily ever after.

Anyway, you’re pretty awesome and I’m rooting for you because, by doing so, I feel like I’m rooting for a friend. I actually mean that seriously, because you seem legitimately great and I envy your stylists, makeup crew, and publicist for being able to hang out with you all the time.

So if you ever need a friend – let’s assume for the purpose of this post that you do – I’d be cool with dat.

Call me.

PS: I have two older brothers, too! WHAT ARE THE ODDS? (don’t answer that, I’m sure they’re high.)